Montana-Mania

It's been awhile now since the whole Hannah Montana thing has been out of hand. Yesterday we received a Wal-Mart sales circular that not only validated this opinion, but re-enforced it and propelled the fad to absolute RIDICULOUS proportions.

An entire 4-page sales advert of Hannah Montana shit. Nothing else. Just Hannah Montana merchandise. Hannah Montana has taken over the largest super store in the United States. How did she do it?

I've seen a few of the "Hannah Montana" shows on the Disney channel. Don't ask me why. But they weren't too bad for entertainment geared to pre-teens. Miley Cyrus is a cute gal and it's unique that she's the daughter of a country singer who had a couple of big hits in the early 90s. There's nothing altogether special about the music or even Cyrus' voice, but it's no better or worse than the stuff Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara made their fortunes with.

I just don't know. You'd probably have to ask someone who's about 30 years younger than I am if you really want to know how she has risen to such prominence.

It could be worse. At least it's not Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails...although, come to think of it, they might make for some very entertaining fare (as long as it's not on VH1).

Hannah's harmless. That's the key. Parents don't feel like they're letting the kids watch something inappropriate. I don't suppose they are.

The only thing that's inappropriate, as I see it, is the mondo-marketing blitz that Disney has rollin', all aimed directly at children who are of an age where it's normal for them to carry on and on and on until they get what they want (especially when it's at the "Everyday Low Wal-Mart Price"). Stuff is gonna get bought, that's understood. Lots of JUNK (Hannah Montana Sticker Card Pack, only $1.97) as well as some items that could very well prove useful (Hannah Montana Slumber Tote w/Sleeping Bag, only $19.96).

I was too young to remember the product onslaught from the first wave of Beatle-mania, but I imagine it was something like this (in fact, it was worse, from what I've read, with hotels selling one square inch strips of linen taken directly from the beds that the Fab Four slept on). And I'm not going to get all high-and-mighty by saying, "Well, that was THE BEATLES! They actually had talent!" (even if that happens to be the truth).

But anyhoo, here's a list of just a few of the great, essential items you can find at Wal-Mart. Just look for the ever-expanding "Hannah Montana aisle", located just to the right of the Bibles and inspirational books:

~~Hannah Montana Gift Bag
~~Hannah Montana Comforter
~~Hannah Montana Cake of 24-Ct. Cupcake Cake
~~Hannah Montana Napkins
~~Hannah Montana Toothbrush
~~Hannah Montana Girls Guitar Bag
~~Hannah Montana Denim Capris
~~Hannah Montana 4-Pack Socks
~~Hannah Montana 3-Pack Underwear (I think I'll get me a pair of those. Just kidding)
~~Hannah Montana Glasses Frames
~~Hannah Montana Pop Star Electric Guitar
~~Hannah Montana Denim Handbag
~~Hannah Montana Paper Dinner Plates
~~Hannah Montana Watch


In the words of a classic Bruce Springsteen song:
"Some day we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny"

Actually it's pretty damn funny NOW.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Wal-Mart circular will be of some use, though. The front cover is pretty much a glossy poster of Hannah (with the recognizable Wal-Mart logo at the header). I'm going to cut it out and pin it the wall next to my 13 year old son's bed.

He DESPISES Hannah Montana (I did mention that he was my SON, and not a daughter, right?).

I can't wait to see his reaction! This is gonna be FUNNY!

Simba Limba Fur-Kid

Simba. Simba Limba. Simba Limba Lou. Simba Limba Louie. Limba. Louie.

Our pomeranian, Simba, was given his name by my son, who was, no doubt, influenced by how much his mane resembled that of the "Lion King"'s chief character. Then it went through an odd metamorphosis, and I admit, it was all my doing.

But it didn't stop there. My wife, for reasons unbeknownst to me, began to call him Fur-Kid. Which soon became Furry. Which, in turn, became Fur-Fur. She uses all of these interchangably with each other as well as with the Simba mutation.

I most often refer to him as "the dog".

When he was given to us about 7 years ago I was against the idea of having a dog. It wasn't so much that dogs were too much trouble to keep...but a lot of love gets invested in a pet, and more often than not they begin to be considered as "one of the family".

With all the love that these critters get showered with it is only natural that their masters grow attached to them to a great degree. It is a strong bond, not quite as strong as family ties, but up there in that realm.

So, the death of a pet is a traumatic experience of sorts. If you've ever had a pet...as a child, or maybe later in your life...then you know what I'm talking about. It's heartbreaking when you lose one.

That's why I didn't want a pet. I dread the thought of going through with that again. Once was enough.

The intention was to give our son a pet dog to call his own. And Limba is HIS dog, for all intents and purposes. However, he became very attached to my wife, as she had more time to spend with him than my son, who was off doing something new every time you turned around to look for him. She would not say that Fur-Kid is "her dog"...but she's the one that he pines for when they are gone.

As for me...I resisted becoming attached to Louie for a long time. Years, though he slowly but surely grew in my affections. Now I'm sure I would be in tears if he were to die on us. Not only that, but I think it would be even harder for me to see the way it would affect my wife and son. I do not look forward to that day, I can assure you.

Simba hasn't died on us. But he has been sick for a couple of weeks now. Pretty bad sick, I would say. Two different vets have given us two different diagnoses. Pancreatitis (I think it's called) was one opinion. I don't even know what the other vet said. They took some of his blood for analysis so I imagine we'll know more tomorrow or the next day.

Seeing him like this makes me realize how important he has become to me and my family. He is a very good dog, though he gets loud and rowdy when visitors show up. He's very protective of the wife and son. And he's a cute little fellar.

I have a feeling that, when he does pass away (hopefully several years from now), I will have changed my mind about the drawbacks of having a pet. That memories of him will bring back good thoughts instead of sorrow that would cause me to never want to have a pet again (although, for different reasons, I won't want another).

It's just like Bill Shakespeare said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

Today he seems to be feeling a little bit better, so hopefully that "lost" part won't come into play any time soon.

Neil Young: "Greendale"

Neil Young has made some great albums. A few classics, even.

He has also made some shitty ones. Real stinkers

"Greendale" is firmly entrenched in the latter category.

Peter Gabriel: "Peter Gabriel" (second album)

I always thought it was cool how Peter Gabriel chose to name all 4 of his first solo albums after himself. No specific titles, not even a numerical designation, such as “Peter Gabriel 1”, “Peter Gabriel 2”, and so on. Just his name in a recognizable font in the upper left corner of the album jacket (“Security” was given a name only because David Geffen insisted on it, but you won’t see the title on the original album artwork---just the name, which is like a logo). Besides the music, the only difference between the four was the aforementioned cover art and the record labels (Atco, Atlantic, Mercury and Geffen in that order). Almost as if each album was a new edition of a magazine…same title, different contents.

The second album (designated as “Scratch” by the label) is probably the weakest of these initial four . It would be easy to say this is a “transitional” album and blame it’s weaknesses on that. It is a transitional album, but then again all of his albums have been transitional in many ways…the first being a (successful) attempt to break free of his “Genesis styling”. The third, perhaps a (successful) effort to rise above the negative reviews the second one received. And the fourth being a conscious attempt to move past the “progressive” tag, into new, previously uncharted (by ANYONE) territory . Again, successfully, I might add.

So what makes “Scratch” the least successful of them all? It’s not the musicianship, which is very solid throughout. It’s not Gabriel’s vocals, which always impress. And it’s not the production, even though it is thin by today’s standards (actually, it was kind of thin as judged by the standards of it’s day, but it was almost as if that was the way he planned it…I can’t really explain why…it’s just the impression I always had).

So that leaves us only one thing for which we can find fault in the record: the songs.

Not that they are all substandard…indeed, none of them could be considered “substandard”, in my opinion. Gabriel has not released an album with anything that wasn’t worth listening to. But “Flotsam & Jetsam”, “Perspective” “D.I.Y.”, “Animal Magic” and “A Wonderful Day in a One Way World” come close. And that’s almost half of the album right there. Decent playing and a few good lyrics amongst that lot, but none of them rises to the standard I expect.

A few do rise above that level but don’t quite reach the goal: “White Shadow”, “On the Air”, and “Mother of Violence” straddle the line between good and great. The latter, especially, has some lyrics that are quite profound

The cream of this crop are “Indigo”, “Exposure” and “Home, Sweet Home”. “Indigo” is a melancholy examination of a relationship gone bad. Robert Fripp (who produced this album) makes his presence known in “Exposure”, an almost minimalist piece that sports only two lines …“Exposure” repeated throughout and “Space is what I need, it’s what I feed on”. And that may be the key to “Scratch”. The production sounds thin because there IS so much space left alone throughout the album. It’s relatively uncluttered when compared to the rest of PG’s oeuvre (side note…Robert Fripp recorded the song and released it on an album called “Exposure” not too long after this one came out. It’s actually a very good version, possibly better than Gabriel’s. The album itself is good, too.). As for “Home, Sweet Home”, I give it the 2 thumbs up because it’s just so funny. It’s the dark-humored tale of a man who is forced by an unplanned pregnancy to marry. His wife’s dissatisfaction with the relationship, in a turn that can only be described as “extreme”, kills herself, jumping out of the window with their baby in tow. The insurance money comes in, but he thinks of it as “dirty”, so he goes to the casino planning to lose it all. But he wins, so he takes the money and buys a nice home iu the country (“with an antique carved oak door”. Ha!). A nice bit of wicked fun to close out a serious album.

All in all, Peter Gabriel’s second record is a good one. Fans who weren’t disillusioned by his decision to record as a solo artist (and the resulting album that was nothing at all like Genesis) will enjoy it. That said, it is only essential to the completist. Of which, I suspect, most Peter Gabriel fans are.

"The Bucket List"

Very, very good movie. Hilarious but still poignant. Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are at the top of their game. I suggest seeing it in a theater as opposed to waiting for it to come out on DVD. The visuals during the last half of the movie are stunning. Director Rob Reiner has done an excellent job here. He's come a long way since "Meathead".

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Steve Hackett: "Watcher of the Skies: Genesis Revisited"

I kinda feel bad about saying I listened to this. Usually I won't post an album here unless I've heard all of it, or maybe all of it except for a song or two (especially when said songs are big hits or personal favorites that are permanently etched in my brain).


But I skipped through about half of this. Listened to 30 seconds or so of each song in the second half and then hit the "skip" button.

Because it's wretched.

Basically, in case you didn't know, this album is ex-Genesis guitarist Steve Hackett's re-workings of some of the better Genesis tunes of the 70s. It sounds like a good concept, but no, it's a terrible disappointment.

Oh, it has strengths...the audio quality is stellar. Hackett's playing is sublime, showing more technique and prowess picked up since his days with the band. The title track, "Watcher of the Skies" is awesome.

I guess they placed it at the beginning of the album so listeners would maybe hang around just to see if anything else is as good.

Nothing is.

I could cite a few issues I have with "Watcher of the Skies: Genesis Revisited", but I only want to focus on one: the vocal stylings on "Dance on a Volacano" and "The Fountain of Salmacis". Both songs feature a deep, low register spoken word instead of actual singing. It sounds more like a death metal grumble, only with better enunciation so you can understand the words. It will make you long for the original. Even the most hardcore Phil Collins hater would beg to get him back in the vocal chair after hearing this awful take on "Volcano".

The supporting cast is stellar, including Tony Levin, Bill Bruford and and John Wetton. But it only goes to show that you can have great musicians and great songs but still wind up with a crappy record.

If it had not been Hackett I would have shrugged this project off as a bad Genesis tribute album. I expected more from him.

kill time, waste space, two birds with one stone

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A: Pizza Hut Ranch...but that's the only ranch I like. If I'm not at Pizza Hut I'll settle for Italian.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A: I guess I'll say Sonic because it's the only one in town and those Java Chillers are killer good.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A: Probably Rudolpho's mexican in Cushing.


Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A: It all depends upon the service. I wouldn't want to try and average it out.


Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A: Pizza

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A: Italian sausage, pepperoni, black olive, green pepper, lots of cheese and extra sauce, pretty much your typical Supreme minus the mushrooms.


Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A: Butter and grape jelly

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A: Right now it's the front page photo logo from my blog "The Time Killer". My screen saver is photographs of Sigur Ros.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A: 3

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A: right

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A: Like ticks, you mean? :)

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A: A set of stereo speakers I was retiring...it's not so much that they were actually too heavy, but hoisting them on top of the dead refrigerator in the garage (their new home) was back breaking.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A: No, actually.

BULLSHITOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A: Hell no. I wouldn't be able to sleep at all the night before.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A: Bill Gates

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A: I just can't seem to make ANY color work for me.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A: A bug or two, though I imagine in some countries they are considered quite the edible delicacy.

Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A: When I was a kid I got my dad out of bed soon after a bad extension cord started a fire beneath it. So maybe. I was pretty young though, so it may have been a dream.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A: I think so. This developmentally disabled guy I worked for got my attention just as a car was about to run into me.

CASHOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A: Under a few conditions. The guy cannot be a candidate for uglyperson.com. He cannot have cracked, bleeding lips. He must agree to leave and never come back after the kiss (kisses, if the offer is a Benji per kiss). He must also understand that he will not be experiencing the joys of my tongue and that if he attempts to demonstrate the joys of his own tongue I will personally cut it out of his mouth. The transaction will take place in the presence of only three people...myself, the guy I'm gonna have to kiss, and the guy who's paying the piper. Two if the guy who wants my kisses so bad is the same guy who is shelling out the dough. In other words: NO ONE ELSE MUST KNOW. If this stipulation, a paramount one, is breached I will have the right to terminate the existence of all parties involved (myself excluded). And finally, if someone else offers me considerably more money for the same favor, I will laugh at your paltry hundred dollar bill. However, the new client must be aware that all the conditions placed upon the original transaction will remain in place with no significant deviations.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A: Hell, no. I worked too hard mastering the D chord (and it's countless variations) to take anything less than $200,001 for one of 'em.
Just kidding. It would take at least a couple million...It's not as if I play the guitar much these days, but 200 grand is chump change.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A: I think I could restrain my creative impulses for that amount. Especially in light of the fact that you can count the number of people who read it on one hand (and MY hand at that).

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A: Depends on the magazine, I guess. The last time I posed nude it was for some Car & Driver type affair, and I'll never do that again. Christianity Today, perhaps.
JUST KIDDING, FOLKS!!! (It's only a magazine, folks...it's not as if I were going to portray pre-Fall Adam in the new Rod Parsley Illustrated Seed Faith Promise Keeper Worship Study Bible [annotated by internationally recognized Bible scholars including Benny Hinn, Morris Cerullo, John Hagee, Paula White, Creflo Dollar, Paul Crouch plus many more]. I was asked to do it by Parsley's people but it offended my tender sensibilities. They begged me to be a part of the project, so eventually I wound up accepting the role of one of the lepers Jesus heals. The photo shoot is next week and they tell me the time spent with the make-up artists will be the toughest part of the job, but at least I won't have to be naked. I will, however, reconsider depending on who they find to play Eve).

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A: Funeral costs are much higher than that, so no.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A: Why don't you make that same offer to our military personnel in Iraq? They don't have the luxury of the choice. And they deserve more than that for being ordered to do just that when, under any other circumstances, their answer to the question would be the same as mine: no.

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: Nothing. Not even lint.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: I thought it was going to be the worst movie ever made, but I laughed my ass off when I saw it. It even made me laugh a couple of times after that when I saw bits and pieces of it on TV. So, yeah, it's a good movie.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: Shitty carpet.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: it's much more hygienic to stand when you're pissing in the shower. And if you sit, how are you going to get your ass cheeks really clean? (Ha!n Betcha never thought of that, did ya?)

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: Probably not. unless they were rich, generous, female, extremely attractive and clinically diagnosed as sex addicts with no boyfriends.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. One. It gets the job done.

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: It was a few months ago. Meeker cop says I didn't completely come to a halt at the town's one and only 4-way stop. I tend to doubt his assessment, as he was right there in plain view...I'm sure I saw him, so why wouldn't I stop? I'm just as paranoid of cops as the next guy. But, alas, he did pull me over. I got off with less than a warning, for some inexplicable reason. I think he was probably looking for drugs. I guess it's a good thing for me that he didn't ask to look in my left sock.
Just kidding?

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: A spirit rider.

Lastology

Q: Last Friend you talked to?
A: I talked to Aubrey via IM Messenger just an hour ago.

Q: Last person who called you?
A: My wife.

Q: Last Person you hugged?
A: My motto is "Drugs, not hugs".

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: The last one.

Q: Season?
A: The season of the witch.


CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: I can't say that I am, actually. Does that mean there's something wrong with me?

Q: Mood?
A. Pre-anxiety contentment.

Q: Listening to?
A: What else? Sigur Ros. Right now it's the "()" album but just before it I was listening to a CD of various downloads I got from their website. I need to check back there and see if there are any new ones.

Q: watching?
A: Letters appear on a screen in tandem with my fingers pressing buttons with corresponding letters printed on them.

Q: Worrying about?
A: I admit it...I'm a tad worried about our dog. He's been pretty sickly the last couple of days...and this is EXACTLY why I swore I'd never have another pet before we got him. Not that it was my choice...but you know how you get attached to the cute bastards.

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: The bathroom.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: Spend my money when I get it.

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: "Rush Hour 3"...I fell asleep halfway into it, which means either it wasn't much of a movie or that I was a lot more tired than I thought I was when I began watching it. I hate Chris Tucker, though.

Q: Do you smile often?
A. Only when I'm alone.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I'm not "un-friendly". I'm just not really in the market for new friends just now.

Bose on-ear Headphones

I did something last week that I thought I'd never do...

I spent $200 for a set of headphones. Bose on-ear headphones, to be exact.

Now, that's a big wad of cash to drop for something for which I have never, in the past, paid anything more than $50. But I heard them at a listening station in a Target store some months ago and I was sold. I knew then and there that I wanted.these Bose suckers. The sound quality is just so far ahead of any I've ever heard (of those made for home use as opposed to studio headphones). The bottom end, which most inexpensive models simply can't reproduce, is satisfactorily prominent with these. For that matter, the entire spectrum of sound is reproduced exceptionally well on this model.

I know that Bose offers a model that is a little better than these, the noise canceling model they advertise on television. Those were designed almost exclusively for people who ride in airplanes a lot, though it is little wonder that they would also be very well suited for any listening situation. They're about a hundred dollars more than the ones I've just purchased. I'd like to have a pair of those but two things go against it:

1.) 200 bucks is more than enough to spend on headphones, especially when you consider:

2.) The extent of hearing loss that I deal with means I'm lucky to hear what I hear in the 200 dollar model...I somehow doubt that I would even notice the difference between the two. Maybe I'm wrong...if that is the case, please refer back to #1.

It has been said many, many times that when you upgrade your stereo system you will certainly hear things in music that you never heard before. I've found this to be true, but especially so with this set of Bose headphones. I listened to Sigur Ros' "( )" album last night and there was all kind of nuance in those songs that I had missed. I thought I had mined those soundscapes thoroughly well, but surprises were abundant and I doubt I would have ever heard them without these new phones...

...which means that the two hundred smackers was money well-spent. I came to that conclusion before I heard the Sigur Ros disc, but that's the one that brought it home to me. The SR "Heima" performance DVD sounds great, too.

So, to wrap it all up...if you love music enough to part with a couple hundred bucks on an item that can be purchased at Wal-Mart for 1/8th of the cost (albeit remarkably inferior in quality), you will be impressed with these Bose headphones. There are a couple of models they offer in this price range...the tri-port model seems to have a fairly comparable sound quality for about 40-50 dollars cheaper. But for over-all comfort and fidelity I think it's worth the extra money to go with the on-ear model.

Unless, of course, you've got $300 to invest...at which point I'd say "Do what you gotta do."

[Update 5/25/10: The set of Bose headphones I bought at this time lasted a little over a year before breaking down. Most likely this happened because I used them so often. I bought another pair a couple of months later, when I could afford it. That says a lot, IMO, about how pleased I was/am with the sound quality of these phones.]

Red House Painters: "Songs For a Blue Guitar"

A good friend from the RS.com Castaways board mentioned that he had wanted to listen to Red House Painters' "Songs for a Blue Guitar" but that he couldn't find his copy. And thus I felt compelled to respond in this fashion:
Glenn, if it turns out you've acually lost your copy of "Songs for a Blue Guitar" just let me know and I'll give a package to the local mail carrier and instruct him to get the process started in which it will find it's way over many state lines, eventually turning up at your doorstep and into your CD player where, within the first ten minutes of it's duration you will have sobbed a melancholy tear with "Have You Forgotten" and then rocked out slowly but effectively to the repetitive strains of "Make Like Paper".

As you proceed into the album you will no doubt be impressed with Mr. Kozelek's fine guitar playing and introspective lyrics, not to mention that honey-soaked voice. You may well be put in mind of Nick Drake on a couple of songs, at which point you'll smile and consider that there could be lots worse legendary icons he could sound like INSTEAD of Drake...that guy from Quiet Riot for instance.

Maybe you like cover versions, maybe not...either way you might still like "All Mixed Up" (though I don't) or maybe even the YES classic "Long Distance Runaround" (which I do like, in spite of or maybe because of how radically he's re-done it). But beware after this point...be on the lookout for one of the worst covers Mark's ever done, the sprawling, laughable "Silly Love Songs" (in which "Love Will Tear Us Apart" is, at one point, suggested in the music though not the lyrics). If your CD player has a remote you will save the trouble of having to get up and push the "next track" button. If not, you would still do well to hit that button, despite the effort expended.

You could just shut the thing off when you get to that point, but then you'd miss the album's beautiful closing number, "Another Song for a Blue Guitar".

But I forget...you have likely only misplaced your copy and I'm sure that all I've said here is old news to you.

But did you know THIS? "Songs For a Blue Guitar" is not really a Red House Painters record? There may be one of the RHP guys playing on the album (I think it's the drummer) but most of the musicians were people that MK invited to play on this, which was supposed to be his first solo album. 4AD had not been happy with the stuff (hard to imagine, though I guess it does veer away from any resemblance to "the 4AD sound") so Mark left after fulfilling his contract with the release of "Retrospective" (with it's second disc of outtakes, demos, etc...Glenn, if you don't have that one, let me know. It's not really a "must-have" but there are a couple of nice things on it, including a great outtake of "Uncle Joe", an acoustic guitar version of "Mistress" and a couple of unreleased songs).

So, anyway, with the 4AD contract terminated, with Kozelek and Ivo parting on more-or-less amicable terms, "Songs For a Blue Guitar" was offered to several labels. It eventually wound up on a subsidiary of Island called Supreme Records. At this point, starting out anew, Kozelek made the decision to use the Red House Painters name instead of his own. His reasoning was sound---it probably wouldn't be a good idea to attempt a solo break-out at such a transitional period. Best to just see how things went.

But they went badly. The bigger label didn't give the kind of promotional support needed to expose the material to a new audience. Even if it had it wouldn't have made too much difference because the parent label (Island) was bought out, folded into a major conglomerate (I think it was WEA) and the whole thing practically slipped off the map. Kozelek had an RHP album completed by the time all this shit hit the fan ("Old Ramon") but they held it back, not wanting to drop it into the cesspool that their record deal had turned into.

"Old Ramon", as I'm sure you know, was released a few years ago when they landed a decent deal (I can't even tell you, off the top of my head, what the label was). But by that time MK had already put out one solo CD (ep, actually, "Rock 'n' Roll Singer") with another soon to follow ("What's Next to the Moon"). The RHP stuff was very good, but didn't exactly stray too far from their signature sound.

The solo material, though, was a different story. For the most part entirely acoustic (singer/guitar), it showed Kozelek's strengths in an entirely re-cast setting. The John Denver influence came to the forefront (a strange combination, John Denver's early musical stylings with the testosterone fueled lyrics of AC/DC's late front man, Bon Scott). He went on to release two very good live albums in this style, and somewhere in between all that he formed what may well be the crowning glory of all he's ever done, Sun Kil Moon.

I never would have thought I would like SKM more than RHP. The first few times I listened to their debut album, "Ghosts of the Great Highway", I was less than impressed. But persistance definately paid off with this one. It grew on me in a big way until eventually I found myself in that conundrum where I had to break down and admit that he'd outdone just about everything else in his career.

...It would appear that I've entered into territory that is not only trivial history, but is also the kind of trivial history that anyone who even halfway likes this music is already well aware of. And so I apologize for the rambling and will proceed.

"Rush Hour 3"

If asked, I would gladly write a review of "Rush Hour 3". I might even write one even if I wasn't asked (which would be the more likely scenario).

But I won't. I fell asleep about halfway into this third installment of the wildly popular Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker vehicle. I closed my eyes for a moment and the next thing I knew the end credits were rolling. The blooper reel was just beginning, so I roused myself sufficiently enough to enjoy it (gotta love blooper reels).

But the movie was, IMO, a dull affair. The first couple of "Rush Hour"s had their charms. The second was particularly good, so I had reason to hope that the 3rd would be atypical of the downward trend in quality normally inherent in sequels. But this one (at least the first half of it) just didn't have what it takes...to keep me awake, that is.

Maybe I was just tired. That could have been it. There's always the chance that it was a slow starter, and perhaps I should give it the benefit of the doubt. But I don't like self-referential jokes and I don't much care for Chris Tucker. He plays this character in what can only be described as an outdated stereotypical model of "the hip Afro-American cop". He's a 21st century model of "little black Sambo". No doubt he's playing it up for the yucks...it's not as if Don Cheadle would be appropriate for the role. I have to wonder, though, if that schtick is worth overhauling for 3 movies...

I don't think I'll watch it again, maybe pump myself up with a few cans of Monster and try once more. I should have just passed it by for another "non-sequel" movie...

...but right now there are just too few new release DVDs that look to be worth investing a couple of hours into.

New songs.

A couple of new songs are up on my MySpace music page. These are pieces I put together on the Acid 7.0. I think they turned out pretty well. I don't know when I'll have other stuff up there, but this link ought to be good enough to last a couple of months for the stuff that's on there now.

Enjoy...
click HERE for new tunes

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed, always. Haven't you heard of the CLOSET MONSTER?

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
No. I paid good money for that motel room. I'm not leaving with anything less that the TV.

3. Have you ever stolen a street sign?
One night., wanting to adorn all of my walls with those trendy decorative street signs, I stole all if the STOP signs on what turned out to be a busy intersection in Nichols Hills. I will burn in hell for my deed and it's consequences.

4. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room before?
No, I have never made my own bed in a motel room before.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Only when I run out of toilet paper.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
No, I cut out photographs from the obituaries, put 'em in my wallet and then I go around town lying, fishing for sympathy.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
It doesn't matter...a big teddy bear or a swarm of spelling bees, it's all the same to me.

8. What was the last thing you shaved?
My tongue.

9. Last movie you saw in theaters?
The last movie I saw actually did play "in theaters" before being released on DVD. I didn't, however, see it in a theater, but from the relative comfort of my broken down sofa. It was "Bug" and I thank God I didn't pay the "theater price" to see this worthless piece of crap. Truly, it was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who point and laugh at me, telling their kids that, if they ever grow up to be like me, they'll never amount to anything.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Sheets?

12. Do you count your steps when you walk?
Only until I reach 1,000,000, then I ask myself why I'm counting my steps and come to the conclusion that I'm a obsessive-compulsive.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Does the fireplace count?

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
You betcha. I do, however, look like a fool when doing it.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
No, but I do like to munch on Magic Markers. The smell will get you high, you know.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
72. I've been busy.

17. How many pairs of tennis/athletic shoes do you own?
2 and a half.

18. What is your "Song of the week"?
anything by Porter Wagoner.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
I hope so. I'll have to give my wife's panties back to her if it's not..

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
Hell no. I learned long ago that animals can't talk. How gullible do you think I am?

21. What’s your least favorite movie?
There's no way I could dig deep enough into the cesspool of crappy movies I've seen to drag out the one that might be my "least favorite movie".

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
In Barnes and Nobles' bank account.

23. What do you drink with dinner?
Bacon drippings.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
A hungry dog's mouth.

25. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
The edible kind. Preferably tasty as well.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Seriously, I rarely watch a movie more than once, maybe twice. There are exceptions. One of them being "Scooby Doo on Monster Hill"

27. Who do you miss right now?
The guy I once saw in a mirror aboiut 13 years ago.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I was a boy scout until I lost my Bear pin, then I said "fuck it".

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Again, you mean?

30. When is the last time you wrote to someone in a letter?
I write letters all the time. I never send them, thougn.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yeah. I turn it into wine. But the car doesn't run on the stuff, so it's a miracle I rarely perform.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Yes, and I used it to get into the Policeman's Ball. There's no admittance without a ticket, you know.

33. Ran out of gas?
No...flatulence has always been a problem.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?:
Lard.

35. Best thing for breakfast?
I can't even remember the last time I ate breakfast.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
My ritual...in bed by 10:00, lights out and headphones pumping music into my head at abouit 11:00, passing out somewhere between 11:30-12:00. Wild life, baby.

37. Are you lazy?
Me New Year's resolution was to be more of a slob and spend each day in a haze of laziness. So far, so good.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween?
I don't remember...I'm sure it was something that didn't require an expensive costume.

39. Can you eat with chopsticks?
As long as the food is something I can stab.

40. How many languages can you speak?
Does Pig Latin count? It does? Olay...one.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
At last, a question I don't mind answering without all the smart-ass hoop-de-dooo. The only magazine subscription I have right now is to ARTnews. I couldn't afford to renew my subscription to Esquire, so that one's stopped coming, even though I liked getting it. I may re-new it when things turn around, at which point I will probably subscribe to several more, including ArtForum, Art In America, Paste, Mojo (although I'm not sure about that one...it's a great magazine but boy, O boy is it high dollar), maybe one of the science fiction pulps (Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine, Analog or The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction...probably that last one if it's still in publication)...we'll just have to see when the time comes...I don't want to go overboard, but I do like magazines a lot.

42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
Lincoln Logs burn a lot easier, and give off a pleasing woody odor, while the legos really smell bad as they melt.

43. Are you stubborn?
I have been told that I am as stubborn as a mule. I'm not exactly sure what that means.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
In what way? In bed? On the gold course? In a medieval jousting bout? In a spelling bee? The question is too vague for me to hazzard an answer.

45. Ever watch soap operas?
I have enough trouble keeping up with all the intricacies of my own life...why would I want to keep up with the story lines of soap operas?

46. Afraid of heights?
Only the ones that are over 10 feet.

47. Sing in the car?
Not anymore. My stereo's busted. Now I just talk to myself and scream insults at other motorists.

48. Dance in the shower?
I don't know if you'd call it a "dance"...

49. Dance in the car?
Ha ha..

50. Ever used a gun?
Yes. They are the best way to kill another human being.

51. What's the last thing you cooked?
I suppose microwaving counts? I cooked one of those delicious Hungry Man pork barbeque TV dinners. It was much better than I thought it would be. I made the decision that I would buy many more of them in the future.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
They are. Extremely cheesy. But I don't resent them for it anymore, and who knows but that I'll acquire a taste for them soon.

53. Is Christmas stressful?
Not for me. I stay home alone. Stress free, that's how I like it.

54. Ever eat a pierogie?
I may have. Tell me what a pierogie is and I'll let you know.

5. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Pies are for losers.
Just kidding.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Mick Jagger.

7. Do you believe in ghosts?
No. Anyone who would want to come back here after they die is a fool.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
Once every 6 months. It doesn't seem to be doing any good.

60. Wear slippers?
On my ears.

61. Wear a bath robe?
In the shower.

62. What do you wear to bed?
Armani suit.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

63. First concert?
Do I have to tell? I do? Oh, Lord am I emberassed. It was the little River Band with Jay Ferguson opening. I am so ashamed. Really.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
Dollar General.

65. Nike or Adidas?
Cheap-ass Wal-Mart brand.

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
A healthy, satisfying mix of the two.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Sunflower seeds are the more interactive nut. I gotta go with them.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
Should I have?

69. Ever take dance lessons?
I had a babysitter once, when I was very young, who taught me how to do the Horizontal Bop. It was the only dance lesson I've ever needed or wanted.

70. Is there a profession you picture your spouse doing?
Gang Boss.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
No, but I bet I could curl YOURS. !

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
It's old news...I would have won but I felt sorry for the other guy and tossed it to him. No lie..

73. Where do you work?
Cyberspace Massage Parlor.

74. Own any record albums?
I have a Daniel Amos promotional disc and a copy of the Beatles' "Hey Jude" on vinyl. Down to 2 from at least 1,000 I had before the advent of CD technology..

75. Own a record player?
If I owned a record player I would most likely have more than 2 records. Probably. Maybe not.

76. Regularly burn incense?
Only when there is the chance that it will rub upo against flammable drapes or curtains and set the house on fire. It's even better when it's somebody else's house.

77. What color do you wear the most?
Caucasion.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
I only want to see Sigur Ros. Maybe Mark Kozelek if he came through town, but I would drive across a few state lines to see Sigur Ros again.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
Sigur Ros.

80.Hot tea or cold tea?
Tea is for losers.
Just kidding.

81.Tea or coffee?
A gallon jug of coffee will do the trick every time.

82.Favorite kind of cookie?
The kind that makes me forget I'm afraid of heights.

83.Can you swim well?
For short periods of time.

84.Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
Huh?

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

85. Are you patient?
No...I haven't been in the hospital in a long time.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ. That way you only have to beat up one guy when he insists on being paid.

87.Ever won a contest?
Yes. MySpace held a contest to see who was the oldest bozo to fill out so many of these questionairres in the span of a year. I won the grand prize: free membership to the MySpace website.

88. ever have plastic surgery?
Plastic forks and knives.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
It depends on what you eat them on. Black olives are best on pizza. Green olives are better on ice cream.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
No, I have more enjoyable, productive methods of killing time.
...Okay, maybe not "productive".
I could use a new sweater.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
The coldest one..

92. Do you want to get married?
Yes...I'm thinking of hooking up with the Mormons so I can get-r-done.

93. If married, how long have you been married?
Long enough to have forgotten what it was like to be single.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

94. Who was your HS crush?
I better not say. The wife may be reading this and the mention of her name, quite rightfully, causes her to become sullen and violent.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
Sort of. I cry and throw a fit, but I still don't get my way. Then I cry and throw a fit some more. I like the fit throwing better than the crying. But I imagine the crying is more therapeutic.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

96. Do you have kids?
Yes. I have raised goats since the early '80s and at this point I have about 30 kids.

97. Do you want kids?
No. 30 is enough.

98. What're your favorite colors?
Yes.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? (see #27)

100. Who do you wanna see right now?
Frodo.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
No.

more or less a diary entry

After llunch today I got a hankering for some ice cream, so I went to Sonic with the intention of maybe getting a cookies and cream blast or something like that. Instead I decided to try one of their “Java Chillers”. I got the hazelnut one. If you don’t already know, let me tell you….those things are DELICIOUS!!! If I’d known they were that good I would be drinking them regularly by now.

In other important news my musical mood the last several days has been for modern jazz. Just about any jazz, actually, except for that bland “smooth jazz” (the stuff they play on XM 71, Watercolors. It’s not that I always avoid such fluff…there are times when it’s just what I’m after, but those are rare occasions and haven’t come around in a long while.

I make it a point to check the receiver for song title and artist for most of what I listen to, but I don’t remember too many of them, as there is just too muchy to keep up with. I’ve come to appreciate John Scofield and Brad Mehldau from listening to XM 72, Beyond Jazz. XM 70, Real Jazz, has exposed me to so many styles of the music that I have a better idea of what I like and what doesn’t really do it for me. For instance, I don’t really like latin flavored jazz and I’m not particularly fond of the real old-timey New Orleans & Dixieland stuff. I prefer what I’d consider the “Blue Note: style---small combos with lots of improvisation.

When I haven’t been playing jazz lately I’ve listened to classical on the XM Classics channel. Sometimes they get a bit too obscure for me but it’s usually all good.

Plus a couple of hours of death metal today…seriously. There’s nothing quite like the transitional culture shock that you get when a Mozart string quartet is followed immediately by Cannibal Corpse.

Obviously I’ve utilized my XM to a great extent, as I am prone to do. It’s not just because I want to get my money’s worth ort of the $13 they take out of my account every month. I just live the variety. The down side is that I find myself channel hopping much in the same wy that I would with a television. It’s really a better experience when you stay on one particulat channel for awhile, but the temptation is strong to find out what’s playing on the others, and that’s when the surfing begins.

I DID, however, lkisten to a couple of CDs this week.

I’ve had a very thorough Pearl Jam collection for some time now, thanks to my brother. But for some inexplicable reason I have just never really been able to “get into their music”. I’ve enjoyed a stray PJ song now and then, but I can’t help but think that they’re a lot better than I give them credit for being. So I busted out “Binaural”, as it was one that I’d given short shrift to when it first came out. It had to be better than I initially thought it was.

And it was. It didn’t blow me away…it wasn’t some grand revelation of how I’d been ignoring such a marvelous band. I didn’t find myself asking, “What have I been waiting for?” But it was good. It did make me want to listen to more and re-evaluate my opinion of their music. Which I shall do, just as soon as I get out of this jazz mood.

Also, I listened to the Rolling Stones live album, “Get Yer Ya-Yas Out”. I’m pretty sure this one was recorded in 1970…I know it was right after “Let It Bleed” and before “Sticky Fingers”.

It is one sloppy mofo of a record. Truth be told, I have never believed the Stones were capable of much as a live band. At least, if they are, you’d think the would release the better stuff on their live albums. Yet, in my opinion, each and every one of them have been at best mediocre (this one) and at worst just downright unlistenable (“Still Life”).

They butcher the two Chuck Berry songs they cover here (“Carol”, “Little Queenie”). Both of them are churned out at such a lumbering tempo that they lose every ounce of energy they might have had, with Mick slurring and wailing the words on top of the whole mess. “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” sounds like a halfway decent garage band. “Stray Cat Blues” is re-arranged to the point of being practically unrecognizable…not as if that’s a bad thing in every case, but it is in this one. “Love in Vain” actually turns out pretty good, marred only by Jagger’s wailing towards the end. The only real “keeper” on this record is “Midnight Rambler”. It has so much more energy than the original “Let It Bleed” version. Jagger’s attitude seems to fit the song better in this rough live version, as opposed to the hushed tones of the earlier one. It could just be that I subconsciously cut it slack since it was the version on the “Hot Rocks” album, which was my introduction to the group. But I don’t think that’s the case.

Anyhoo, the Windows Media Player is stocked with more Autechre than you can shake a stick at (all of it, actually) plus scads of other weirdness (Diamanda Galas, Bongwater, Porter Wagoner…ha) as well as everything I know of by Sigur Ros. This is what I listen to when I work at the computer, which is to say that it’s aboiut the only thing non-jazz music I’ve exposed myself to in over a week.

"The Miller Effect"

As the insult became obvious, I walked back to the main city. My stomach was making gurgling noises. Every sound I heard that night became music. Even the ringing in my ears seemed to have a melody. It all seemed appropriate – at least, it seemed better than the silence that usually infested my brain.

“Hell, anyone can write science-fiction,” she said on first perusing my spiral notebook.

“But you don’t understand,” I replied. “This ISN’T science-fiction. It’s autobiographical poetry.”

She gave me a most bizarre look, which I accepted gratefully, knowing full well that I was probably the most “normal” person she’d slept with all night.

“Poetry.” Se said, as if she’d just discovered a speck of shit lodged between her teeth.

Sensing, in her countenance, an unreasonable hatred of all things poetic, I quickly tried to change the subject.

“Did you read that copy of ‘Tropic of Cancer’ that I gave you this morning?”

“Oh, my God! I did! First I was outraged. Then I thought I was gonna puke. And THEN I had one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had in my life!”

I didn’t quite understand how the book had moved her to that third stage, but I kept my laughter to myself and tried to maintain a dignified composure.

I made a valiant attempt: “Don’t you see any similarity between my work and Henry Miller’s best?”

She was snide.

Travels 29March96

Leaving the sprawling, electric wonder world of Yale, Oklahoma on the second sojourn to Stroud in as many days. Turning our backs on the nameless, faceless multitudes who have called Yale “home” for more years than some can remember.

Heading south on Norfolk road we pass what I’m told is the LEGENDARY McKinney butchering plant, ie. SLAUGHTERHOUSE. The last stop on many a bovine trek. Yesterday, returning home on this same road, we saw a rack of freshly killed and skinned cattle hanging limply, upside down, right outside McKinney’s front entrance. Thankfully we hadn’t partaken of much beef that afternoon, so our consciences weren’t TOO badly shaken.

I didn’t realize when I began this travelogue what a bumpy motherfucker of a road this is.

A Wal-Mart film developing van speeds by our side, most likely loaded down with photographs and memories already developed. Or they could be on their way to the dark room.

The sky is an overcast grey. The kind of clouds that dare you to say “It’s gonna rain.” These clouds would be just as content to make a liar out of you as they would to bless us with some water.

Slow elderly lady in red Oldsmobile doesn’t appear to have even noticed the line of cars passing her by. Her eyes are locked on the road in front of her, afraid to even glance in her rear or side-view mirrors.

Road Kill Alert: 1 large skunk, minimal bleeding. It must have been killed several hours ago, as there is no noticeable stench.

Two out of three cows to the left could care less about the traffic. They’re hungry and the grass is just beginning to turn green from a sun that hasn’t shown itself much this year.

The wife doesn’t seem to enjoy the jazz I’ve got playing on the stereo. “Find something without a trumpet,” she suggests. I inform her that the solo she’s hearing is on a saxophone. People who don’t know the difference between trumpets and saxophones must surely have no capacity to appreciate jazz music. Not that it’s any big deal.

The baby in the back has been crying practically non-stop since we left the house, and we’re within a mile of our destination. He doesn’t like to be restricted in his car seat. I guess he’s pretty pissed off, and if you hand him a toy, in an attempt to comfort him, he will only throw it back at you.

Now we’re here. Stroud’s Tanger Outlet Mall, home of the Book Warehouse. That’s where I’ll, be if I’m needed. Just have ‘em page me.

JOHNNY BRAVO'S Sunshine and Happiness Review

JOHNNY BRAVO, 1994...left to right: J Casey, M. Hardwick, R. Hayes, M. Christian
I have been asked by a close personal friend (and former Johnny Bravo vocalist) Mike “Redd” Christian to present this amusing bit of nostalgia, a relic from days when times were higher and burdens were lighter, when friends congregated to make magic memories, most of which have been forgotten (through no fault of our own). So now, without further ado, here is…

JOHNNY BRAVO’S Sunshine and Happiness review
Vol. 1, No. 1 March 1994

Hello everyone!
The manuscript you’re reading is the first issue of “JOHNNY BRAVO’S Sunsshine (sp) and Happiness review”. It is, more or less, the ”official” Johnny Bravo newsletter, which will be sent to those on our mailing list and/or made available to anyone interested in our band, JOHNNY BRAVO.
Through this humble, badly typed medium we will be keeping our friends informed and up-to-date concerning shows, future projects, things we’re working on now, and any other relevant information…trivial or otherwise.

A lot has happened since the four of us first got together late last November. We’ve played 4 shows at Shawnee’s Owl Shoppe, as well as performances at Tulio’s and the Liquid Lounge, both is Norman. We want to thank Bobby Sneed for giving us the oppurtunity (sp) to do the Tulio’s show. Also, a great big hug and kiss to Ty Kamm, Barry Zimmerman and the guys of KLIPSPRINGER for the Liquid Lounge date. Fast, but hardly least, thanks to THE BREADBOX’s Steve Petree for the Owl Shoppe dated.

Our guitarist, Mike Hardwick, has been busy recording and mixing material for THE BREADBOX, who have been hard at work themselves, writing and performing, among other places, at the Satellite Twin Theater (formerly “Rome”) in Norman. Their new material sounds fresh!

JOHNNY BRAVO is currently searching far and wide for a new place to rehearse. If anyone out there has any suggestions or knows of a cheap (or free!!) place where we could practice, we would be forever in your debt. The ideal place would be fairly large and in an area where loud music would not invite the wrath of landlords or policemen.

The only show we have scheduled, as of this writing, is Tuesday, March 22 at the Owl Shoppe, 6 E. Main, in Shawnee OK. Realizing that Tuesday is not typically a night when people usually get out to see a band, there IS a reason we’re playing this show. We hope that ALL of our friends will come out and support us that night. The encouragement of a large audience would be so helpful, so invite your friends and anyone who may not have heard JOHNNY BRAVO yet.

The band’s song list has been set for some time now, and these are the songs we’ve been doing (in no particular order):
1) the sleeping rose 2) kick you around 3) days without a cure 4) sunshine 5) scripts ripped 6) losing my mind 7) why you? 8) complicated 9) nothing 10) Mozart (was his hero)
We’ve been busy writing songs lately, and have come up with 4 new originals. Two of them haven’t been given titles yet. “Maternal Instinct” is probably the heaviest thing we’ve done (musically that is), and the acoustic “become” is the lightest. We should be debuting at least a couple of these songs at the March 22nd show, so there’s another good reason to come out that night. We’re very happy with these new songs and we think you’ll be surprised.

Since this newsletter is to be included with our promotional package, let us take this oppurtunity (sp) to say “howdy to the club owners, promoters, managers, and other :music industry insiders”. We hope to be seeing a lot of you in the near future.

If you have any questions, want to be put on our r mailing list, of (sp) would like a current update on JOHNNY BRAVO’s itinerary , please feel free to call James Arthur Casey at (***) ***-****/ Or, if you prefer, you can write to us at JOHNNY BRAVO, c/o J.A. Casey, *** Ken Del Drive, #41, Shawnee Oklahoma, 74801.

Thanks, thanks, a million thanks to everyone who has come out to see us. Your support has helped us in more ways than you can know. Sorry about the miserable typing!
Until next time…

JOHNNY BRAVO


Note…Unfortunately, despite the best of intentions, there was no next time. I am inclined, however, to think that the world would have been a better place had JOHNNY BRAVO continued.)

12 Step Apocalypse

1.)
It’s a little known fact but the streets of London are absolutely clogged with shadows. These aren’t typical shadows. These shadows have voices. And holes where their eyes should be.

2)
About miles into our trip to Heaven I asked my partner, Teddy, what his favorite song was.

“:Why, that would be ‘She Believes in Me’ by Kenny Rogers….of course,” he said. “Isn’t that EVERYONE’S favorite song?”

3)
One more mile to heaven.

“Do you believe in magic?” It was his turn to ask a stupid question.

“Man, that is a stupid question,” I said. “What kind of magic? White magic? Black magic? Stage magic? Be more specific.”

“You know…MAGIC. The stuff in a young girl’s eye. The kind that makes a man believe in love.

“Oh, I see now.” I finally grasped his mediocre point. “If you‘re referring to that SPECIAL magic betwixt two young lovers on a shopping spree, I’d have to say, I don’t know. I never really thought about it, to be honest. Pass that bottle over here.”

4)
Upon consumption of several lager brews Teddy begins to make more sense than he usually does. I think it’s because, when he’s drunk., he forgets all of that astrological mumbo-jumbo he’s come to accept as gospel truth. His semi-occultic religion loses all importance to him when he’s intoxicated, and he frequently forgets he’s a Virgo and insists he’s a Leo.

Leo the Lion. A cruel, inhumane feline motherfucker. Oh, I could count all the times I’d like to take a hard rock and crush the mighty Kin’s skull into a bloody pulp. Silly lion, believes no one loves him, so he takes Jungle Law into his own paws and creates wildlife mayhem of mammoth proportions. All of this, of course, symbolic of the Astrological mumbo-jumbo Teddy’s grown to believe is the God’s honest truth.

5)
Heaven was just across the horizon, and lemme tell ya, the line at the gate was one long son-of-a-bitch. Me and Teddy figured we had plenty of time to kill, so we took a seat behind a sad looking, effeminate young man who kept belching and complaining:

“Damn it! Every time I belch I taste that bitter-acidic shit that comes back from my stomach! Not just every once in a while…EVERY TIME! I think I’d rather die than have to taste that stuff again!”

Teddy whispered in my ear, “That, my friend, is one unreasonable chap.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “:But the fact is, he’s an innocent man.”

“Oh, yes. Without a doubt about that,” said Ted. “If there WERE any doubt about that, well, I think I would gladly give up my place AND yours in this line to a priest who deserved it more.”

Bigmouth strikes again.

Wouldn’t you know it? Father Joel, of the Stocksdale parish, walks up to us and says, “No one is innocent. Nay, not a one.”

“Well I’ll be a son-of-a-bitch,” said Teddy, as we both dropped through a trap door beneath us and fell, spiraling uncontrollably, down to the fiery pits of hell.

“You and your big mouth!” I got that much out just before the plunge, when I realized that I was destined to be a 21st century Dante,

6)
When we hit the ground, the hard unyielding tarmac of Hades, we walked around for a while and checked out some of the oddities.

In one area there legions of Peter, Paul & Mary impersonators, all of them singing “Blowing in the Wind”. One of the Mary Travers look-alikes said, “Is there anything you condemned folks would like to hear?”

Teddy, in his unmistakable imbecilic fashion, said, “’Puff the Magic Dragon'”.

At the mere utterance of those four dreadful words the whole joint started jumping and all the folk singers fell into the soup, screaming and praying to Bob Dylan for forgiveness.

7)
Bon Scott, late of Australian supergroup AC/DC, once said “Hell Ain’t a Bad Place to Be.” But I swear to God he wasn’t there that day when the giant holographic image of Bob Dylan appeared in the flaming red sky to judge all the people who had ever covered any of his songs. Roger McGuinn was sweatin’ bullets. Joan Baez fainted and could not be revived by any means.

Fortunately for everyone concerned, Zimmerman just happened to be in a good mood, and his mood had just recently been leavened by a pitcher of Coors Light. Judgement Day turned into one hell of a party in hell.

8)
The greatest rock and roll band ever assembled took the stage next to a pyrotechnic light show that dazzled and amazed every damned soul in the joint. The crowd cheered and, in an obvious attempt to mollify Big Bob, launched into a killer rendition of “Like a Rolling Stone”.

Jim Morrison never sounded better. He was glowing with pride, having beaten Elvis Presley for the lead singer slot when the auditions were held the weekend before.

As you can imagine, Jimi’s solo before the bridge was a smash, but the real insanity came when the Captain and Tennille dropped in to sing the line about giving the bums a dime in your prime.

Everyone in the band was quite pissed off because of the fact that Cappy and his bombshell mistress WEREN’T DEAD YET. It was a common understanding amongst the members of Hell’s Union that LIVING musicians were not qualified to work in the fiery pits under any circumstances.

Jim Morrison saved the day, though, as he belted out a stream of profanity aimed directly at Toni Tennille. Laced with sexual innuendo, this outburst had the desired effect of sending the “LIVES OF THE PARTY” screaming and skee-daddling north bound.

9)
The band wrapped the concert up with what may well have been the best version of “Sympathy for the Devil” ever performed. All it lacked was the original singer to put it over the top (“Ah, dontcha worry, mates,” Brian Jones quipped. “He won’t be long.”).

It was then that things began to get REALLY wild. The cocaine flowed like a big white powder river up everyone’s noses. Teddy decided that an orgy was in the offing so we walked due north about 300 yards.

“YOU’RE IN HELL!!!” a demon shouted at us.

The specter’s observation got me to thinking…Hell, hell, hell, hell. So many conceptions of what hell is supposed to be. All those fire and brimstone preachers trying to scare their flocks with visions of an ever-lasting flame…could that be the way it really is? Indescribable pain and having to suffer forever? That’s some hardcore punishment there, bro.

But lemme tell ya…being condemned to listen to the Grateful Dead for eternity may be a hard way to go but it surely isn’t as awful as the hell those Charismatic folks believe in. So let’s load up the van, pack a sack and truck on to the show, right?

10)
“Old man!” I shouted. “Is there someplace I could get a Reuben sandwich or maybe some spinach casserole?”

11)
All of this happened last night, you know. Teddy’s been dead now for the last three years. Three years is a lifetime when it’s cold out, but it’s a fucking oven out there today so I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself.

Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. Don’t I know the truth of that statement. What good does it so me, though? I still have to take the pills every night.

12)
Everyone’s crying in my beer. It’s been going on for so long that there’s no beer in my stein to cry in. All that’s left is maybe a pint of hazy tear-water.

They come from all over the globe to tell me their stories, trying to make me feel sorry for them. But I’ve got problems of my own, so I tell them to “fuck off” and I slit a few throats, problem solved.

But seriously, my mind is being ravaged by a severe thunderstorm. It has nothing whatsoever to do with love. It’s a REAL STORM, my friends, with hail, high winds and a stunning array of thunder and lightning.

All that banging around up there has taken me back in time to the first time ever I saw your face, kissed your lips, lay with you and all that other heebee-jeebee nonsense that leads to a pornographic display of mammoth proportions. And all it does is get me horny. I lay in bed writhing, like I’m in hell again. It lingers and lingers and refuses to go away unless a silly love song comes on the radio.

It’s okay, though, because I’m listening to the Adult Contemporary station and they play nothing but stale love songs 25 hours a day. I’ll never feel lust again.

The SJC El Paso Band Trip Fiasco: 25 years later

(The following is an actual letter sent to the President of Seminole Junior College [Seminole, Oklahoma] concerning a legendary band trip to El Paso that occurred in 1982.).

TO: President Elmer Tanner
FROM: Jim Cook and Bob Trammell
DATE: December 3, 1982
RE: Behavior of Students During Band Trip to El Paso

Following an investigation of the allegations of some band members that male and female students showered together, slept together, and that many band members drank alcoholic beverages in their motel rooms and on the college bus, we present the following report.

On Thursday December 2 and Friday December 3, 1982, we interviewed 13 students and the band director concerning the allegations of improper behavior. It is our opinion that three this occurred about which there is no doubt: (1) There was consumption of alcoholic beverages on the college bus on the way to El Paso and in the motel rooms of students during the one night at Carlsbad, New Mexico and the two nights at El Paso.; (2) Students did not stay in their assigned rooms. Several students admitted to being in mixed company in motel rooms until 3:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. in the morning; (3) The supervision excersised (sp) on this trip was lax. No disciplinary action took place when students were drinking on the college bus, no action was taken against any student who became intoxicated or unruly, no bed checks were made and no curfews set for students..

Based on all of the testimony we have heard, we believe te following actions should be taken:

1 Mr. R----------, band trip supervisor, should be reprimanded for not keeping a closer eye on the activities of his band members.

2 A policy statement concerning College Sponsored Trips such as the one attacehed should be approved and placed in the Student Handbook. (I have chosen not to include this rather boring section of the document).

3 The SJC Band should be placed on disciplinary probation fror the Spring 1983 semester. Such probation would mean that any improper behavior which violated the policy on College Sponsored Trips would result in the band being barred from ANY overnight trips for the remainder of the semester.

++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, 25 years have passed since that legendary journey to El Paso, the main intent being to march in the Sun Bowl parade. Obviously OUR intent was to have as much fun as possible, which I daresay is exactly what we did. It was an unforgettable trip and no doubt, had we not carried on the way we did, it would have been forgotten by now.: the one highlight of a boring Jr. College education quelled by good manners and strict supervision.

I was one of the 13 students these administration fuddy-duddys interviewed. I maintained then, to all my friends, and I maintain now that I did not snitch. I was not one of the students who let the cat out of the bag. I always had a pretty good idea which ones DID, but I also had a suspicion that they were in the minority, and that the boom was lowered on the band because some people just didn’t like Mr. R-------, the director. They used this as an excuse to push him closer to the early retirement they desired for him. Don’t ask me why, but I will tell you this…if it were the mighty Trojan basketball team, doing the exact same things we did, nothing would have been said. I don’t know that for a fact, but I’d bet serious money on it.

So, while my memory is still strong enough to remember a good amount of details about the fiasco (the stuff I didn’t tell the administrators about, that is), I would like to set the record straight insomuch as I am able, touching on each of the three points that caused so much consternation in the faculty of this vaunted institution of learning:

1 Re: consumption of alcoholic beverages on the College bus and in the motel rooms. Hell yes, there was some serious drinking going on. We weren’t in Jr. High school, we were in Jr. College. What the fuck did they expect? This is one point that I am almost 100% sure that the band was being singled out where the athletic team would have gotten away with it. Maybe the jocks were better at hiding it, but it would seem to me that anyone in college with an urge to drink will find that urge at it’s strongest on a bus trip out of state and in the motel rooms the night before the game. We made a short visit to Mexico the day before we left and a few of the guys bought some cheap tequila. You didn’t expect them to wait until they got home to open up those bottles of authentic Mexican hooch, did you? Of course not. I tell you, there were a couple of girls who were so sloshed that they had to be held down or they would have allowed themselves to be impregnated by a multitude of the fellers. Who said there was no supervision? We held ‘em down, didn’t we? Mr. R------had more important matters to attend to. And I’ll never forget the rank stench of tequila that permeated the bus on the way back to Oklahoma. To this day I cannot abide that smell. For the record, if recollection serves, I only had about a 6-pack of Budweiser myself. Not that 3.2 swill you have to settle for here, though. The good stuff. And I never got “fall-down drunk”, either…which is why I can recall so much of this.

2 Re: Students not staying in assigned rooms and being in mixed company until the wee hours of the morn. I was married to my first wife then, and she wasn’t in the band…seeing as how I was more or less a faithful husband, no sexual shenanigans were undertaken by yours truly. Not that there weren’t a couple of fine looking women I wouldn’t have minded sleeping with, hardy har har. Note that the document dampens down the situation by referring to it as “students admitting to being in mixed company in motel rooms”…is that ALL they admitted to? I can tell you what they were apparently unwilling to admit: they were fucking like bunny rabbits. In some cases weird, kinky & freaky shit was going on. For instance, JL, JM & KC were assigned to a room. JL & JM had girlfriends in the band who were there (temporary girlfriends is more like it). The first night in Carlsbad these two guys decided they were up for a good screwing. The only logistically possible way for them and their gals to get it on was to do it in the room where the three guys were booked. As to why all 4 decided to the deed AT THE SAME TIME (albeit in separate beds) is beyond my ability to reason out. Other than it sounds like it might be fun (tee hee). But that’s what they did. Which is funny enough, but what takes the cake is that they locked KC, their other Bunkie, in the closet while they did it! He just sat in there listening to the festivities. It is commonly believed, by all involved that, KC is the first, and one of the very few, who snitched when the inquisition came around.

3 Re: “Lax” supervision, no disciplinary action, no bedchecks & no curfews. We were all old enough to join the military, fight and die for our country, old enough to cast one vote in a Presidential election…Bed checks??? Curfews??? What the fuck? We did the job we went there to do---we promoted the College (in addition to marching in the parade, our jazz band also represented the college, quite well I might add, at a college mixer). None of our “:indiscretions” were of a public nature ie. We didn’t exactly give the Jr. College a black eye. Nothing would have come of it had not some bastard with a bone to pick spilled his guts to an administrator. Even then, the college could have sat on it. Had they done so there would have been no article in the college newspaper, the college would not have suffered the bad publicity it did as a result. The band would have probably have received a stern lecture from the director (who we all loved and respected) and we would have been allowed to go to the other out-of-state events we were scheduled to attend. A couple more chances to promote the college thrown out like baby with bath water because some prude suit decided we should act like pre-teens. Mr. R------- did the right thing. He gave us freedom to enjoy ourselves, he didn’t feel the need to treat us as children (with bed checks, for Christ’s sake), and most importantly, he didn’t let it get out of hand and spill out into the public. It is almost a sure bet that the only ones who knew about the goings on of the Seminole Jr. College band before the snitch ratted ‘em out were the members of the Seminole Jr. College Band and them alone. So what was the BFD? We didn’t have to answer to our parents, we were all over 18, why were we expected to answer to President Tanner?

FUCK PRESIDENT TANNER!

Ha! 25 years later, I finally speak my mind. Damn sure should have done it back then. So what if I would have been expelled? That place wasn’t worth attending anyway without the band and Mr. R--------.


TO: President Elmer Tanner
FROM: Jim Cook and Bob Trammell
DATE: December 3, 1982
RE: Behavior of Students During Band Trip to El Paso

Following an investigation of the allegations of some band members that male and female students showered together, slept together, and that many band members drank alcoholic beverages in their motel rooms and on the college bus, we present the following report.

On Thursday December 2 and Friday December 3, 1982, we interviewed 13 students and the band director concerning the allegations of improper behavior. It is our opinion that three this occurred about which there is no doubt: (1) There was consumption of alcoholic beverages on the college bus on the way to El Paso and in the motel rooms of students during the one night at Carlsbad, New Mexico and the two nights at El Paso.; (2) Students did not stay in their assigned rooms. Several students admitted to being in mixed company in motel rooms until 3:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. in the morning; (3) The supervision excersised (sp) on this trip was lax. No disciplinary action took place when students were drinking on the college bus, no action was taken against any student who became intoxicated or unruly, no bed checks were made and no curfews set for students..

Based on all of the testimony we have heard, we believe te following actions should be taken:

1. Mr. R----------, band trip supervisor, should be reprimanded for not keeping a closer eye on the activities of his band members.

2. A policy statement concerning College Sponsored Trips such as the one attacehed should be approved and placed in the Student Handbook. (I have chosen not to include this rather boring section of the document).

3. The SJC Band should be placed on disciplinary probation for the Spring 1983 semester. Such probation would mean that any improper behavior which violated the policy on College Sponsored Trips would result in the band being barred from ANY overnight tri[s for the remainder of the semester.

++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, 25 years have passed since that legendary journey to El Paso, the main intent being to march in the Sun Bowl parade. Obviously OUR intent was to have as much fun as possible, which I daresay we did. It was an unforgettable trip and no doubt, had we not carried on the way we did, it would have been forgotten by now.: the one highlight of a boring Jr. College education quelled by good manners and strict supervision.

I was one of the 13 students these administration fuddy-duddys interviewed. I maintained then, to all my friends, and I maintain now that I did not snitch. I was not one of the students who let the cat out of the bag. I always had a pretty good idea which ones DID, but I also had a suspicion that they were in the minority, and that the boom was lowered on the band because some people just didn't like the director. They used this as an excuse to push him closer to the early retirement they desired for him. Don’t ask me why, but I will tell you this…if it were the mighty Trojan basketball team, doing the exact same things we did, nothing would have been said. I don’t know that for a fact, but I’d bet serious money on it.

So, while my memory is still strong enough to remember a good amount of details about the fiasco (the stuff I didn’t tell the administrators about, that is), I would like to set the record straight insomuch as I am able, touching on each of the three points that caused so much consternation in the faculty of this vaunted institution of learning:

1. Re: consumption of alcoholic beverages on the College bus and in the motel rooms. Hell yes, there was some serious drinking going on. We weren’t in Jr. High school, we were in Jr. College. What the fuck did they expect? This is one point that I am almost 100% sure that the band was being singled out where the athletic team got away with it. Maybe the jocks were better at hiding it, but it would seem to me that anyone in college with a urge to drink will find that urge at it’s strongest on a bus trip out of state and in the motel rooms the night before the game. We made a short visit to Mexico the day before we left and a few of the guys bought some cheap tequila. You did'nt expect them to wait until they got home to open up those bottles of authentic Mexican hooch, did you? Of course not. I tell you, there were a couple of girls who were so sloshed that they had to be held down or they would have allowed themselves to be impregnated by a multitude of the fellers. Who said there was no supervision? We held ‘em down, didn’t we? And I’ll never forget the rank smell of tequila that permeated the bus on the way back to Oklahoma. To this day I cannot abide that smell. For the record, if recollection serves, I only had about a 6-pack of Budweiser myself. Not that 3.2 swill you have to settle for here, though. The good stuff. And I never got “fall-down drunk”, either…which is why I can recall so much of this.

2. Re: Students not staying in assigned rooms and being in mixed company until the wee hours of the morn. I was married to my first wife then, and she wasn’t in the band…seeing as how I was more or less a faithful husband, no sexual shenanigans were undertaken by yours truly. Not that there weren’t a couple of fine looking women I wouldn’t have minded sleeping with, hardy har har. Note that the document dampens down the situation by rreferring to it as “students admitting to being in mixed company in motel rooms”…is that ALL they admitted to? I can tell you what they were apparently unwilling to admit: they were fucking like bunny rabbits. In some cases weird, kinky & freaky shit was going on. For instance, JL, JM & KC were assigned to a room. JL & JM had girlfriends in the band who were there (temporary girlfriends is more like it). The first night in Carlsbad these two guys decided they were up for a good screwing. The only logistically possible way for them and their gals to get it on was to do it in the room where the three guys were booked. As to why all 4 decided to the deed at the same time is beyond my ability to reason out, other than it sounds like it might be fun. But that’s what they did. Which is funny enough, but what takes the cake is that they locked KC, their other Bunkie, in the closet while they did it! He just sat in there listening to the festivities. It is commonly believed by all involved that KC is one of the few who snitched when the inquisition came around.

3. Re: “Lax” supervision, no disciplinary action, no bed checks & no curfews. We were all old enough to join the military, fight and die for our country, old enough to cast one vote in a Presidential election…Bed checks??? Curfews??? What the fuck? We did the job we went there to do (in addition to marching in the parade, our jazz band also represented the college, quite well I might add, at a college mixer), none of our “:indiscretions” were of a public nature ie. We didn’t exactly give the Jr. College a bad eye…nothing would have come of it had not some bastard with a bone to pick spilled his guts to an administrator. Even then, the college could have sat on it. Had they done that there would have been no article in the college newspaper, the college would not have suffered the “black eye” it did as a result, the band would have probably have received a stern lecture from the director (who we all loved and respected) and we would have gotten to go to the other out-of-state events we were scheduled to attend. A couple more chances to promote the college thrown out like baby with bath water because some prude suit decided we should act like pre-teens. Mr. R------- did the right thing. He gave us freedom to enjoy ourselves, he didn’t feel the need to treat us as children (with bed checks, for Christ’s sake), and most importantly, he didn’t let it get out of hand and spill out into the public. It is almost a sure bet that the only ones who knew about the goings on of the Seminole Jr. College band before the snitch ratted ‘em out were the members of the Seminole Jr. College Band. So what was the BFD? We didn’t have to answer to our parents, we were all over 18, why were we expected to answer to President Tanner?

FUCK PRESIDENT TANNER!

Ha! 25 years later, I finally speak my mind. Damn sure should have done it back then. So what if I would have been expelled? That place wasn’t worth attending anyway without the band and Mr. R--------.

Please excuse the few grammatical errors I've left uncorrected in this post. I don't feel like messing with them right now...I never was good with DID'NT or WAS'NT. Sorry.

Why are Americans so fat?

Another important question posed at the RS.com Castaways message boards, "Why are Americans soooo fat?"...here's my answer:

I'm sorry I haven't come around to give the definitive answer to this most important question.

Why are Americans so fat?

Because it's the land of the free and the home of the brave. Most of us don't give two fucks about our health...our forefathers weren't too concerned with it, why should we be? You only live once, you know. Many a man has wound up on his death bed wishing he hadn't been so damned concerned with nutrition. One life to live, baby, let's get down to Burger King. The dying man wishes he had taken that advice, and realizes all too keenly that the opportunity has slipped through his skinny little fingers.

We're a generation raised on junk food, and it's all good until you get old enough to want to discover the fountain of youth. I'll tell you where you can find the fountain of youth. It's right there next to the counter of your local McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendy's, etc. It dispenses high calorie, sugar loaded soft drinks meant to compliment the awesome flavor of a delicious, un-healthy meal. It's the fountain of youth, for sure, because the young 'uns don't give a flip about their health. Why should the older folks? You only live once. Comes a time when most folks reach the conclusion that to live forever with these frail bodies and in this world of suffering is not such a good thing to wish for after all. Stay young at heart, I say, chow down, get full, get fat, fuck what anyone has to say about it...maybe it will kill you. Not before your time, I assure you of that.

And I am not in the minority when it comes to this. One need only viddy the statistics, the billions and billions of dollars made EVERY SINGLE DAY by the fast food industry. Like I said, Land of the free, Home of the brave. Free top eat whatever we please without a second thought as to nutritional value. Brave enough to risk obesity and clogged arteries, gastrointestinal shutdowns and the promise of an early grave.

Price you pay, folks. Price you pay. Yum Yum. It's good stuff. Who wants to eat salad every single day of the week? Or boiled foods, or whatever else is out there that health food freaks expect me to give up my Whopper for? I love salad, peoples, but it fucks up my innards just as much as a tub of greasy french fries.