I filled out this list of "25 Things About Me" for Facebook, but I am so inept at this point at how things work there that I decided to hold off and just print them here for now. It's been a long time since I did the last one (which, I'm sure, can be found somewhere on this blog), so hey hey, here we go.

1. I have a perfectly realistic understanding of just how difficult I am to get along with.

2. I believe there is much theological significance in the effects of anaesthesia.

3. My ears ring constantly. The best I can do is distract myself. I believe there is great theological significance in this as well.

4. If a random blood test were done on me today it would show, among other things, a significant percentage of Dr. Pepper. No, I do not find any theological significance in this.

5. When I was 14 my mom and dad would go out dancing. They wouldn't get home until 2:00 am so they left me and my brother two Fox DeLuxe pizzas and a six-pack of Coke each and we would stay up as long as we could watching Saturday Night Live and The Uncanny Film Festival. I am almost positive we had more fun doing this than our parents ever had dancing.

6. As a result of being an outcast most of my life I have a strong aversion to anything that reaches a certain level of popularity.

7. I have never put much stock in the old saying that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Uncontrollable wildfires are worth fearing. So are tsunamis. And Godzilla.

8. I get really, really pissed off when there is not fresh pizza on the all-you-can-eat buffet. You settle for what little is up there and wait for something fresh to come along. It doesn't but you want to get your money's worth so you eat a little more of the pizza that was already there when you arrived. Then just as you get up to leave (or have eaten so much that your gullet is stuffed) they'll put out not only fresh pizzas, but all your favorite kinds.

9. I have no desire to travel anywhere outside of the continental United States, except for Iceland.

10. I love my laptop and I will kill for it. Unless the Internet is down. Even then...

11. I have a son-in-law and two grandchildren who I've never met.

12. I love the house my family lives in right now and have no desire to live anywhere else, be it mansion or castle.

13. I have seen Sigur Ros in concert twice. My son accompanied me the second time. Tornadoes blew over the theater but no one knew or cared. I have resolved to see them every time they play within a three state radius of Oklahoma. Make that a FOUR state radius.

14. I have AT LEAST 30 Sigur Ros concerts that I've downloaded over the last year.

15. I am very likely the only 46 year old you'll ever meet who thinks Sigur Ros is better than the Beatles.

16. I really believe that the Internet is the greatest argument for postmodernism that ever needs to be made.

17. As a result of several unique and often bizarre situations I have come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as deja vu.

17. As a result of several unique and often bizarre situations I have come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as deja vu.

17. As a result of several unique and often bizarre situations I have come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as deja vu.

17. As a result of several unique and often bizarre situations I have come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as deja vu.

17. As a result of several unique and often bizarre situations I have come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as deja vu.

18. One time I was working behind the counter at a Love's convenience store and this guy came in to pay for some gas. As he walked through the door he had his hand in his pocket reaching for his cash. When he pulled it out a big bag of marijuana fell to the floor. I'll never forget the look on his face.

19. When I worked at CD Warhouse I was always amazed by the number of hip-hop/rap CDs that got ripped off. Probably 10 to 1 over any other genre.

20. In the eighth grade my best friend and I used to pretend we were drug dealers. This is no lie. We'd put flour and sugar in plastic sandwich bags, take them to school and pretend to sell them to each other. We were abnormally obsessed with the movie "Super Fly". Surprisingly neither one of us used "real" drugs throughout the entirety of our high school days.

21. That same friend and I used to hide out in a vacant room on the second floor of the school building every day during PE. It is disturbing now, when I think back on it, to consider that no one seemed to know or care that we were regularly ditching a class.

22. That same friend told me that Bela Lugosi was his uncle and that he was also in some way related to Boris Karloff. This impressed me immensely because I was all into old monster movies before I got turned on to "Super Fly".

23. I would love to be a member of a nudist colony.

24. I currently subscribe to Esquire, Wired, Vanity Fair and Rolling Stone.

25. My browser's bookmark toolbar currently displays the following: Yahoo Mail, Blogger, MySpace, Facebook, Sedaka, RS.Com Castaways, Garageband, Last.fm, Pandora Radio, Wolfgang's Vault, Allmusic, Allmovie, Spirit Library & Speakeasy Internet connection speed test. Isn't that awesome?
My new glasses arrived today. I picked them up about an hour an a half ago. I think they're going to be just fine, but will take some getting used to. My right eye kind of burns a little bit when I'm on the computer, but there could be several reasons for this. I am hoping that it falls under the "getting used to" category.

The last pair of glasses I bought were fucked up big time. I knew it almost immediately after I first tried them on. They seemed to be too strong in the left eye and everything appeared to me as if I were cross-eyed. I went back to the optometrist on two or three different occassions and he didn't seem to want to accept that maybe he'd made a mistake in his prescription. He adjusted them a couple of times...even sent them back to the manufacturers to have them adjusted. But all to no avail.

I eventually put them away and started wearing my old set. They'd become quite scratched in the time I was tying to get used to the other pair, but at least I could see through them. New insurance and a new doctor, I went through the whole boring routine again, including that jarring glaucoma test. The doctor was very thorough and I do think he was more meticulous than the last one. It will take a little getting used to these glasses but I think they're going to be okay.


What's your full name backwards?

What's the significance of your screen name?
It was given to me by my parents. I had no choice in the matter and was too apathetic to think of some hip, clever, pseudo funny username that no one would recognize me by anyway.

What emotion are you addicted to?

What's your favorite book?
Conversations With God

How much time do you spend in front of a television in a day?
Less than an hour.

How much time in front of your computer?
The amount of time I spend in front of my computer is comparable to the amount of time I used to sit in front of the television in the days when there was actually something worth watching on.

How much of that time is spent looking at porn?
It depends upon your defintition of "porn".

What would it take for you to completely uproot your life and start over elsewhere?
A "Monk" festival on the USA Network

Were you more adventurous as a child?
Does staying up until midnight to watch "The Midnight Special" considered adventurous?

What musical instruments can you play?
Guitar, Bass, Saxophone, Acid Music Studio, Rain Stick.

Do you eat meat?
Hell yes. I tried using it for various other purposes but when all was said and done I found that it was only good for eating.

How much money do you spend on gasoline in a month?
About $100 a month plus $2 to fill the gas can I use to set fire to the churches in the area.

Do clowns scare you or turn you on?
What the hell kind of question is that? Of course they turn me on.

When was the last time you had sex?
I've taken a vow of celibacy since learning that no one, not even my wife, wants to have sex with me.

What's your biggest fear?
Delirium tremors. And clowns.

Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
No, but I once watched some people who were skinny dipping. They didn't know I was there and watching. They also didn't know that I was recording their every move with a high quality digital video recorder. And they didn't know that I sold the footage to a softcore Internet porn website. What they don't know won't hurt them. Remember that the next time you go skinny dipping.

What would you rather do instead of going to work?
Count my bed sores.

Why aren't you doing that now?
Because I can't count that high.

Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?
Yes. You cannot imagine the pain of a self-inlicted genital paper cut.

Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
Yes. They brought me here. I long to return home but they laugh at my pleas for safe passage back to my home planet.

What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?
Molotov Cocktails.

What are you wearing right now?
The same sleeping pants I've been wearing for the last two weeks.

Are you straight, bi, or gay?
I admit it. My feet are gay.

Do you think you're attractive?
Wild animals, certain birds and vermin think I'm the shit, so who am I to disagree?

Do you prefer the status quo, or radical change?
I prefer status quo in regards to eating habits, and radical change when it comes to bowel movements.

Do you know what "bourgeois" means?
What do you think I am? A pawn of the working class? An uneducated boor? Everyone knows that bourgeois was a popular new wave band who were big in the early 80's, the only group who even came close to giving Duran Duran a run for their money.

Do you think of it as a term of abuse or a point of pride?
I think of abuse as a very dear friend. (ooops...misunderstood the question)

Have you ever killed a person?
A few. The guilt is pretty hard to bear until you've killed 3 or 4, then it gets a lot easier. I'm to the point now where I can kill six or seven people at a time and feel absolutely no pang of conscience whatsoever.

Would you?
What? Don't you listen? I just said I have. Are you frightened, is that it? Maybe you think I would kill YOU? Well, my friend, your fears are well founded. I WOULD kill you, and if you ask one more stupid question you can bet your last dollar I WILL.

If I did, would you help me hide the body?
The only body that's going to be in need of hiding is YOURS because that was one more stupid question. You'd better take your time asking the next few because as soon as your done you are going to find out my preferred method of taking a life.

What if it was one of your friends?
I've killed all my friends. Ha Ha. Spoiled your day, didn't I? You ain't killin' NOBODY, Jack.

What's your favorite pie?
THC laced chocolate pie.

If you had to give control of your destiny to any one person, who would it be?
One of the Jonas Brothers.

If you were to design a room for contemplation, what would it look like? What would be in it?
It would look like a big closet. It would have clothes in it. And shoes. And a stack of Playboy magazines. And a flashlight. And a box of Kleenex.

If you could take complete control of one aspect of your life, what would it be?
My compulsion to eat boogers.

What did your last dream consist of?
Killing somebody.

Are you happy with your life right now?
Might as well be. I'm not happy with it before "right now" and I know I won't be happy with it after "right now", but right now? Couldn't be happier.

Have you ever pulled a really good prank? What was it?
Oh yeah, I pulled a real doozy. I cannot divulge the details on the advice of my lawyer.

Have you ever video taped a sex session?
Several. Unfortunately none of them involved human beings.

What do you think about while you masturbate?
One thought goes through my mind when I masturbate: WHAT'S WRONG?????

Have you ever been to jail? What for?
Yes. Because I rolled three doubles.

Music Video of the Week: Village People

"Macho Man"
Village People


If you like ambient and space music you'll love AMBIENT NIGHTS, a website featuring extended mixes by Alex Hephaestion. There are several full length albums on the site, all of which I plan on listening to, but for now I'm fixated on his "Sol System" series. Each planet in the solar system serves as inspiration for it's own album. So far what I've heard covers several forms of ambient music, all of it very well produced and well done.

If you haven't been exposed to the ambient genre you would do well to explore Ambient Nights. Just take John Lennon's advice when listening: "Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream". You may find yourself in another world.

Sure enough the ice storm came. It's not going to be anything like the big one from last year. In fact, the weather folk say it will clear off by tomorrow afternoon and temperatures will be climbing steadily over the next few days. This is very good news. No power outages or huge tree limbs breaking off all over town. Just a light coat of ice and roads I wouldn't dare drive on. We prepared for the worst...went to Wal-Mart and stocked up on vittles and such...but I don't think it was necessary. Better safe than sorry, though, as the old saw goes. Schools are closed so Stacie and Bryan get to spend the day here with me (how lucky can you get?). They'll probably have to return tomorrow and I don't like that. The roads will get slick again overnight, and even if the weather does improve as the day goes on it's still gonna be treachorous getting where they need to go. I'm sure they'll be fine, though.

Took a few pictures earlier today and decided to post them here:


We must be doing alright, better than we have in the past, because we just bought a "new" car. Not BRAND NEW, but it's a 2008 model with only 13,000 miles on it. Might as well be new. A white Dodge Avenger, it was my wife's choice. She'll be the one who drives it most, working out of town and all. Now we'll call it "her car" and the Blue Saturn will be my primary automobile. That's fine by me. I'll have plenty of opportunities to drive the Avenger. I've always liked the Saturn. It's got lots of miles racked up, but still motivates just fine. It has proven to be the best car I've owned and I would recommend Saturns to anyone. I need to do a little work on it, though. Stereo needs to be fixed. Parking brake's been broke for a long time. That and a tune-up is really all that needs to be done.

The new car has Sirius satellite radio that was pre-activated with a year of free service, so it's still activated but not for much longer. I will cancel my XM and use that money for the car stereo. It may just be a matter of transferring from one radio to another, since the XM/Sirius merger. I'm still not used to the new channel line-up on the XM. I've had it since Dec. 2005 and have had plenty of time to familiarize myself with where all the stations are. Now that's all fucked up, and I just don't feel like starting all over. Internet radio has replaced it. XM Online is scewing up on my computer, too. I don't know if the problem is on their end or mine...it doesn't matter. I considered cancelling it several months ago, but decided against it. This time I'll do it, because I do like having the satellite radio in the car. And I'm sure Stacie does, too.

It's been real hard getting used to Simba not being around anymore. I'd gotten used to hearing his barking welcome every time we walked in the door. Now it's too quiet. I buried him out in the backyard where my other two dogs (Snooky & Cocoa) were buried. It was really hard to dig that hole in the ground. I hope hope hope it was deep enough. I think it was. But hell, what do I know? I've never dug a grave before. I know this: I don't want to think about what the consequences would be if I DIDN'T go deep enough. I'm pretty sure it was okay, though.

I even had a dream about him last night. In the dream I was sleeping and I felt something bumping against the side of the bed. It woke me up (in the dream) and I turned over to see what it was. Of course, it was Simba. The first thing that went through my head was, "What are you doing here? You're dead, aren't you?" That's about all I can remember. It wasn't much longer until I really woke up.

Isn't it strange when you have dreams within dreams? Especially like this one where you wake up from sleeping. It makes you wonder if your reality is actually just another dream. One you will eventually wake from. And if what you woke from THAT TIME is actually ANOTHER dream. And so forth and so on. It's a mind bender to contemplate.

I scrapped one of the Acid projects I've been working on. Well, I didn't actually "scrap" it...I rendered it to an mp3 so I could keep it, but I had planned on doing a lot more with it. I broke seven different synth loops into one beat increments, pasted them together and repeated them for about 4 minutes. I pasted in a section from the old Focus hit "Hocus Pocus". It was a surprise to hear how it sounded with the synth loops. Then I took two Robert Johnson songs (I think they were "Stones in My Pathway" and "Steady Rollin' Man") and strategically placed them in different sections. I was very happy with how that sounded and I'm going to try something else with Johnson's music. Finally I added a hefty portion of Hugo Largo's "Grow Wild". The song actually sounded really good under the influence of controlled substances...very heady, kind of electronic psychedelia. But when I listened to it under less elevated circumstances the whole thing sounded like a murky mess. Too much going on, not enough real structure...I'd rather start something new than do whatever may need to be done to salvage it. I made an mp3 because I'm loathe to throw away anything I spent that kind of time on. You never know, I might want to hear it again on that sunny day when I've got some of those controlled substances on hand.

Ice storm blowing in this afternoon. It's not too bad yet here in town but Stacie called and said there were a lot of cars on the side of the road on her way home Chandler. A couple of them were actually overturned. I don't know what to think about that. I hate this kind of weather...more than any other. Especially after last year's big time ice storm. One of the weather men insinuated that this one might be of the same magnitude. I doubt it. I'm 46 years old and I'd never been through a storm like the one last year. I kind of doubt I'll see another one any time soon. I hope I don't have to eat those words.


I don't think she reads this blog, but I still feel compelled to wish my wife a Happy Anniversary. We've been married 15 years now and you can't imagine what I've put her through. Yet, she still stands by me. Here's to 15 more.

Music Video of the Week: Jethro Tull

"A Song For Jeffrey"
Jethro Tull


Goodbye Simba

Simba passed away at about 7:30, earlier this evening.

To be honest, I didn't want a pet when we received Simba as a gift from one of my wife's friends about 6 years ago. It was a difficult time in my relationship with my wife. But mainly because years ago, when my chihuahua Cocoa died, I resolved to never invest that kind of time and love in another animal. It's just too hard when the time comes to bury them.

And so it was somewhat begrudgingly that I took him in and let him win me over. It didn't take too long. He was a cute puppy. He had that "Pomeranian face" with a happy smile permanently etched in black fur around his chin. At the time I could have cared less about the Pomeranian as a breed. Now it is my favorite. I now perceive a little hint of Simba in every photo of every Pomeranian I have seen since he joined our family. Whenever I glimpse a Pomeranian I will, from now on, be reminded of our dog.

Simba was originally meant to be a pet for my son. He gave the dog his name. He took it from "The Lion King" and he thought it fit because the dog had a thick mane that made him look a little bit like a lion. Eventually his name evolved from the relatively simple "Simba" to "Simba Limba" to "Simba Limba Loo" to "Loo-Loo" to "Looey" to "Louis". Somewhere along the line he also inherited the nicknames "Fur", "Fur Fur" and "Furry".

Though he was Bryan's pet, he took to my wife, Stacie. Of course, she wound up being the one who fed and cared for him, but I think it was something more. He loved her more than anything else in the world. He would get so excited when she walked through the door and he pined for her when she was away. Of course, she was very, very fond of him, too.

Some of the things I will always remember about my Limba:

~~~He was a barker. He would growl and bark at anyone he didn't know (me, Stacie & Bryan, for the most part).

~~~For all the barking, he was a good natured dog. He wasn't trying to stir up trouble, it was just part of his nature to be loud.

~~~He LOVED Beanie Babys. They were his favorite toy. The first one we gave him was a "Kitty" so from then on we just called them "Kitties", even if they were shaped like worms. At first he would tear them up, but eventually he was a little bit kinder to them. Whenever Stacie gave him one he seemed to have a sixth sense and it was as if he KNEW what she was going to do before she did it. Then he would grab that sucker, find a place to relax, and then chew and suck on that think until it was slobber-wet. One of our favorite games was to take it from him and wrestle him for it. He would go crazy trying to get that toy back from us. And we let him...

~~~Like "playing kitty", he also had a plastic squeaky toy shaped like a hamburger. He would play the same game with that toy, only it seemed a lot cuter because the toy just barely fit in his mouth. I'd grab that burger like I was going to steal it for him. Oh, boy, he wasn't having any of that. This game was...uhh...called..."playing hamburger" (ha!).

~~~Before we would go to bed every night we would bring him into the bedroom for"frisky sleep time play". He loved to roll around on the bed and play a little rough. He didn't bite too hard, but sometimes he'd get me with one of those sharp incisors. That hurt.

It's not that there were several different moments or memories that he gave us. It was everyday, in every moment, because if there's one thing he brought to our house it was a lot of love.

He was a diabetic. About this time last year we thought we would lose him to that. I don't know exactly what happened, but his health started getting bad and then worse...I thought it was the end for him then. The vet seemed to think the same thing. I heard him mention to his assistant that Simba was a "miracle" dog...as in, it was a miracle that he was still alive.

But Limba proved us all wrong and rebounded. His personality changed a little after that ordeal, but he kept all of his endearing qualities. He settled down just a little bit.

I had a bad feeling when he started walking around in circles Sunday. I had never seen anything like it before. He seemed compelled to do this. He wouldn't sit down until he was exhausted, and even then he would only rest for a moment before he was up again spinning around. He did this for an entire day. At times he would go so fast that his little heart raced. He didn't seem to In fact, he would often run into things that were directly in front of him (it got so bad we wound up placing pillows in his vicinity). He wouldn't respond to any of us calling him. He got to the point yesterday where he wouldn't eat, and he wasn't urinating or defecating. He threw up the last bit of food he'd eaten the day before.

The vet diagnosed him with some kind of inner ear infection that was messing with his equilibrium. A shot of antibiotics was given and we were told to bring him back in a week, sooner if he didn't seem to be improving.

I think it's reasonably fair to assume that this was more than some inner ear infection. I haven't trusted that doctor since the last ordeal Simba went through.

But I'm not going to turn it into some vendetta against an incompetent vetrenarian. He couldn't have done anything about. At the end Simba became too exhausted to walk in circles anymore. You could tell he still had the urge to do it, because ever so often he would try to get up, only to fall back down again. I knew then that he wouldn't make it through till the next morning.

Simba was in "his mother"'s arms when he died. We're glad of that.

And no, I don't want another dog. Not for the rest of my life.


Music Video of the Week: Coheed and Cambria

"Delirium Trigger"
Coheed and Cambria

My brother gave me a couple of C&C's CDs a couple of years ago and told me he thought I'd really like them. I played them a time or two but was not really impressed. But over the last few days I thought I'd give them another chance...lo and behold...my brother was right. These guys are awesome.


Our dog, Looey

1,000th POST! Spark up a hogleg, let's celebrate

For my 1,000th post I thought I would share 3 album covers from my alter-ego Jimmy Idle. I'd thought that these were forever lost, but having been reminded of a Shutterfly account I'd completely forgotten about I was able to retrieve them.

Sorry about the obnoxious white borders. That's Shutterfly for ya...


"Gran Torino" was sold out yesterday afternoon so we watched another film I'd wanted to see, "Doubt". I'll watch just about anything with Philip Seymour Hoffman, but this one looked interesting in the promos. I have never liked Meryl Streep, and she seems to over-do the character, taking her in very strange directions, ie. facial gestrures, speech patterns, that kind of thing. It's almost as if she thinks it's a Coen Brothers movie she's in. There may be a method to her madness, but when it was all over I felt like it would have served her better to play the character just a little more naturally.

Hoffman was brilliant, as always.

The movie is a screen adaptation of a very successful play, and it certainly feels like it. Which works to it's advantage.

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who demands a nice, resolved ending they can go away from and forget about soon enough. But I doubt anyone who wants such a conclusion is going to sit through the whole thing, because you can tell in the first 10-20 minutes that this is NOT going to be that kind of film.

This is the 999th post in my blog. BIG TIME! Wow! Maybe I'll have to think of something special for the next post, the 1,000th!

Or maybe not...Might just post some stupid YouTube video. I dunno.


Now playing...
VH1 Jump Start


The most recent Coldplay video only solidifies my lack of enthusiasm of their particular brand of Radiohead inspired music. Once again Chris Martin is the main culprit, twitching like David Byrne in the old Heads' video "Once In A Lifetime" and putting on the Oscar face. Lacklustre song. Neat effect at the end where the band is kind of disintegrating...would have been a much better affair if the disintegration had started at the beginning so that within the first moment or so they would all be gone. All that would be left would be the music, which really isn't all that bad without having to look at this goofy interpretation.

Saving Abel...what a doofus name that is. I don't guess it's too much worse than Staind, though. That's the mine they're digging from. I couldn't be bothered to listen to the lyrics, but unless this is a rare animal I can assume that they are every bit as banal as the band's name.

Snow Patrol.."Crack the Shutters"...For some reason I was under the impression that Snow Patrol may well have been a decent band. I don't know how I ever came to that conclusion. Maybe I saw them on a Glastonbury Festival performance on Palladia. Surely that must have been a different band. It's got to be. Because these guys strive to hit the "mediocre" landmark. The singer works fluently in the Chris Martin School of Over-Emoting. The camera does not like this guy when it zooms in on his mug. Not half as bad a Saving Abel (though that's not saying much).

Next up, after a deluge of shitty commercials and spots for VH1's inane programs, I am presented with a videeo from a nominally attractive spitfire named Katey Perry. She looks considerably less attractive with her make-up smeared down her cry-baby face. Even less so when she sports the snot green rouge. But she pulls it all off with exuberance and that's admiorable. Oh, the music? Sorry, I didn't hear it. The video distracted me. Who listens to music anymore"

Alter Bridge...aren't these the guys who used to be Creed before Scott Stapp left? They're sportin' a lead singer who looks like Keith Urban had he been a burned out heroin junkie who lived under the bridge for most of his life...okay, maybe that was just the first impression. Sorry, Keith. This guy looks more like a fit and trimmed Grim Reaper. Seriously, this video is so bad you should look it up on YouTube just for a laugh. The oh-so-subtle Christian references abound...

Beyonce...FUCK Beyonce. Plus she looks ridiculous as a police officer. She's good with a gun, though, which, I'm sure, is a userful talent to possess when you're hanging with Jay-Z's crowd.

The Killers..."Human"...Now, finally, here is a band that I actually like (at least on the strength of one song). The chorus hook makes very little sense: "Are we human or are we dancers?" What? I have to choose? Nice scenery, but even the Grand Canyon couldn't save this ridiculous display. I'm glad this wasn't the first song I heard by the Killers...it would have also been the last.

Honey Honey..."Little Toy Gun"...I made much of Katey Perry's good looks, and so I am hesitant to laud the physical attractiveness of Honey Honey's cute vocalist. But really, it's all they've got going for them. Even the "wild west" gimmick can't save the video from the realistic possibility of eventually diving into the vat of forgotten "gems", to eternally rot with all the others who recieved more exposure on VH1's Jump Start than anywhere else at any time in their career. One can hope.

All American Rejects..."Give You Hell"...Okay. this is where Jump Start and I part ways. If the Flaming Lips are an example of the best Oklahoma bands, the All-American Rejects EASILY qualify as the WORST. I don't know what happened with them. As far as I know they didn't pay any dues by playing live shows or doing any PR at all around here. No doubt they would have been booed from any stage. All of a sudden there was this All-American Rejects album and people were going on and on about how they came from Stillwater. I would assume that the same money that paid for the album's success is now working towards the band's continued rise to "fame". And it's very likely all all of it is coming from one or two wallets.


Music Video of the Week: John Denver

"Shanghai Breezes"
John Denver

Death to "Smilin' Bob"

For the record...I think "Smilin' Bob" deserves all the privileges of HELL when he goes to rot there.

I took some of his pills. I didn't get one bit high. What a rip-off AND THEY WERE FREE!

Didn't get wrecked but I felt like someone shot my cock off. An empty feeling down there which easily convinces you that your sexual piano has temporarily slid right off it's mount.

When the situation eased up I could feel my penile projection return to it's rightful place near my pubis. As promised by Silent Bob I had a hard one on that was solid as diamond.

I took advantage of it. Two times. Then I hooked up with my woman and made it happen 4 times (she was breathless towards the end, but I managed to resuscitate her using a method I had previously seen demonstrated in the chat room of an upper-grade free porn site). When it became apparent that she could take no more (basically that happened directly after the foiled asphyxiation attempt), I left the house and headed for a swingers' club I had heard tell of by the coffee crew.

I must have set some kind of endurance record at Sherlocks Pre-and Post- Coital Lounge.

STILL I FELT NOTHING! Oh, I could tell my phallic unit was down there...this wasn't like the previous experience. But there were NO FEELINGS in it! Do you realize how sanity-breaking such a situation might be? An erection that lasts for hours but what good does it do me? I mean, forget all the gals, I might as be a walking, talking dildo to them.

When the 4 hour had come I got scared and called my doctor. That's what all the advertisements tell you to do..."If you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours consult your doctor immediately."

And I used to think it was SO funny. I'd say, "If I experience an erection lasting 4 hours, my health care professional is gonna be' the last homey Im gonna call. I got a little black book right over there and it's got a whole lotta numbers in it. Bring it o'er here."


But WAIT, you say, "I thought Enzyte was just supposed to make your cock bigger, not give you erections?

That's the impression the ads give, isn't it? But if you spend any time on their website you'll start to understand what they're on about, which is basically the same thing as Sta-Hard cream, or I mean to say that the effect is similar (not that one should eat Sta-Hard cream, but that may have been the impression many have gotten).

Don't ask me what I'm doing on the enzyte site. Let's just say it was the holiday and I hoped to give the wife a little surprise. Don't you dare anyone of you go gettin' the impression that I was loitering at that annoying Smilin' Bob's website because of any inadequacies, perceived or real, that I might exhibit. NO. Not at all. Just gonna grow an artificial inch for Anniversary night, take it right up into the next 15 years.

But no. My anniversary fuck went flying out the door when her mouth became numb shortly after the first time she served me orally. It took 5 minutes to wash that metallic taste and smell from her mouth.

You owe me, Smilin' Bob. You owe me a lot. More than you could ever repay in the pathetic life time you've been given. So why do I keep you around? Why do you keep smilin'? Is there something really funny you know but don't want to tell us? Are you innerly tickled at the prospect that you've had sexual intercourse with with my wife so many times that both have lost count. She does it all for free samples of the enzyme, which she swears by. Bob, you will be paid every cent you're owed.

But I won't be the one who pays.

In regards to the clever work of prose-poetry that I wrote and posted for you yesterday I have been asked, by one of my loyal and devoted readers, this question:

"What is a 'go-hero pout'?"

To provide some scant context, the line is: "Take my pick, that’s the schtick. Maybe the doll in the unwashed dreadlocks? Maybe the gal with the go-hero pout. "

This is as close to cognizant that I can get:

It's three words that describe a circumstance or a situation that cannot adequately explained using the English language...nor can it be deciphered using MANY languages. It is taken directly from the engravings found on a statue depicting a Norse horse doctor who has just lost a difficult battle with a particular malaise that wound up killing the animal, with the help of the incompetent veterinarian's complete and utter inability to properly use a scalpel, a clamp and any other utnsil that contributea to "getting the job done"...only in this case it is not certain that the job that was actually done was the one the customers wanted to pay for.

Those dogs are sportin' GO-HERO POUTS.


"Cheerleader Affair"

I hear…I will…I do not understand, if you are speaking through me won’t you please make your presence known. If not, kindly show me to the door. Jolly rancher, jolly Rodger…Every rose has it’s burden, a shifting stone takes in all it has coming. A stitch to throw in a ditch saves just three under a dozen. Come in and care. Come in and make yourself at home. Come in here and cough up a phlegm-ball. Rest your weary head on my tombstone.

There’s a reason for all the things I do. Do you want to know what it is? One thing, and ONLY one thing: Pepto-Bismol. Shit gets things done. That’s my excuse, pardon me, sir, if you don’t get it, you won’t get it you won’t NEVER git it down in yer soul where it needs to be.

Never so young as you were that day. What a show. What a show. Pretty maids all in a row, fit to a one with tight trusses emblazoned. BUTNER BUTNER BUTNER! Three cheers for Butner. One big long cheer with corresponding slutty dirty dancing routine thrown in for free. From your friends in Butner.

They ate that right up. Didn’t even have to spoon feed ‘em. They’z musta bin reeeel hungery. Sure thought mine was special.

And it was.

Take my pick, that’s the schtick. Maybe the doll in the unwashed dreadlocks? Maybe the gal with the go-hero pout. Maybe the one with the sad dropping eyelids? Maybe the bitch with the genital itch. Maybe the whore with the venereal sore. Maybe the slut with the cellulite butt.

Or maybe the tiny, mousy mouse of a sprite, never had love look in her eye, that stuff only makes a man wonder why. Her shorn short and shut out the lights or you will never see that incredible aura and glow she dwells in like a bubble. She’s the one to choose. She’s the one, you can’t lose, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, how can I make it more plain? You’re gonna get wet if it rains and I haven’t got time for the pain, Strange Woman. MY woman.

Make some plans for a one night stand I’m a dope smoking’ man and I sure get around and my life revolves around Strange Strange Woman. Strange customs. Strange habits. Strange ideas of just exactly how incredibly Strange they actually are. I’ve got mine, now you go get yours. We’re hookin’ up at the dance.

Dilly dance, dance of the week, American Bandstand dance and you didn’t like the words but it’s got a good beat so you give it an 85. You could dance to it.

Such was my hope. Twas to be my destiny, if luck stayed tucked in my pocket I was fittin’ to be gittin’ my share o’ what I got comin’…

…and I did.


On one of the message boards where I contribute we've got a game called "Concept Album". One poster will select a song that meets the criteria of a concept that is chosen by the person who entered the 12th song in the previous list. So what you have in the end is a 12 song collection of tracks that have a similar theme. The only rule (other than the obvious) is that you cannot enter a band/artist more than once in any particular concept album.

Not long ago the topic was "songs in which another band/artist is referenced, either in the song or in the title. I was the twelfth entry so I got to choose the next topic. I liked this one so much that I decided to make it a double album and we were off again for 12 more.

Below each entry the reference was provided. I don't really have time to go back and retrieve all of them, but I would like to reproduce the playlist we came up with:

CD 1
1. Surrender - Cheap Trick
2. Range Life - Pavement
3. El Scorcho - Weezer
4. London Calling - The Clash
5. History Lesson, Pt. II - The Minutemen
6. Hey Hey My My - Neil Young
7. You Better You Bet- The Who
8. "Thunder Road" - Bruce Springsteen
9. Goodnight Saigon - Billy Joel
10. "Cruiser" - Red House Painters
11. True - Spandau Ballet
12. "Rock and Roll Nigger" - Patti Smith

CD 2
1. "Jail Guitar Doors" - The Clash
2. Whiplash - Metallica
3. "All the Young Dudes" - Mott the Hoople
4. Runnin' Blue - The Doors
5. Oh You Pretty Things - David Bowie
6. "The Wake-Up Bomb" - R.E.M.
7. Musicology - Prince
8. "Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me)" - Reunion
9. Funky Cold Medina - Tone-Loc
10. Unseen Power of the Picket Fence - Pavement

I came up with the following "Bonus" tracks after the "concept album" round ended:

~~~Alex Chilton - The Replacements
("Children by the millions wait for Alex Chilton to come 'round" & "You never travel to far, without a hit from Big Star")

~~~Life in a Northern Town - the Dream Academy
("John F. Kennedy and the Beatles")

~~~The Beatles and the Stones - The House of Love"
("The Beatles and the Stones sucked the marrow out of bones")

~~~Song for Bob Dylan - David Bowie
("Hear this, Robert Zimmerman, I wrote a song for you, 'bout a strange young man called 'Dylan' with a voice like sand and glue")

~~~Glenn Tipton - Sun Kil Moon
("Some like KK Downing more than Glenn Tipton, Some like Jim Nabors, some Bobby Vinton, I like 'em all")

~~~The Mighty K.C. - For Squirrels
(K.C. stands for Kurt Cobain)

~~~Smoke on the Water - Deep Purple
("Frank Zappa and the Mothers were at the best place around")

~~~Roll Over Beethoven - Chuck Berry
("Roll over, Beethoven, tell Tchaikovsky the news")

~~~Buddy Holly - Weezer
("...just like Buddy Holly")

~~~John McLaughlin - Miles Davis
(It must be nice to have a legend like Miles Davis name a song after you...not only that, but a song you're playing on)

~~~L.A. Woman - The Doors
("Mr. Mojo Rising"...everyone knows this is a synonym for 'Jim Morrison')

~~~Genius of Love - Tom Tom Club
("James Brown! James Brown!"...and a reference to Kurtis Blow)

~~~Luckenbach Texas - Waylon Jennings
("Let's go to Luckenback Texas, Waylon and Willie and the boys..")

~~~The Ride - David Allan Coe
("He said 'you don't have to call me Mister, mister...the whole world called me Hank" [Williams])

That's about all I can think of for now...

Others who contributed to this "artist/band reference" concept album were Frag, Paul, Thorn, Kool, Brian & Rocky.

Nice work, gentlemen!