Yet another survey, the publication of which is indicative of my inability to write something worth a shit this morning.
Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
Does that work? I'll have to try that sometime. I've licked other things to get them to work, but never a CD.
What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
17 years...but there was no such thing as "Dateline: To Catch a Predator" back then.
I'M KIDDING, PEOPLE.
Ever been in a car wreck?
Yes I have. It's a fucking wonder I'm still alive. I vowed afterwards that I would change my ways and make a new start. So I found a connection and that was the start of my 15 year addiction to cocaine.
Were you popular in high school?
Yes, I was popular. I was very popular with the kids who liked to throw rocks at other classmates. I was popular with teachers who enjoyed belittling their students.
Have you ever been on a blind date?
Yes, and her impaired vision worked greatly to my advantage.
Are looks important?
They seem to be very important to 95% of the girls with whom I've wanted to establish a relationship with. Every single one of them politely declined, and I don't think it was because of my charming personality.
Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more??
Yes. I even know where some of them are buried.
By what age would you like to be married?
The Messianic Age.
Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?
Yes and no. Yes, I like a gal with a lot of experience under her belt (so to say). No, it does not affect my view of them. If they're butt-ugly I do not care how much nookie they've had over the years. Ha.
Have you ever made a mistake?
Every time I fill out one of these surveys I feel like I'm making a mistake.
Are you a good tipper?
All the advice I give is good.
What's the most you have spent for a haircut?
75 cents.
Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Only if you replace the words "crush on" with "passionate, steamy sexual relations with"...
Have you ever peed in public?
It all depends on how one defines the word "public". I would never piss in the church sanctuary, but I'll let 'er fly at City Hall .
What song do you want played at your funeral?
I'll be serious with this one. I will make a CD compilation of Sigur Ros songs that I will request be played at my funeral. Told ya how much I love 'em. didn't I?
Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
Why wouldn't I? I still want Christmas presents and a place at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
What would your last meal be before getting executed?
Probably something exotic so I could say I've eaten it once in my life.
Beatles or Stones?
Ah...the age old choice. The hardest decision some people ever have to make in their lives. For sheer cultural impact as well as festive music you'd have to be a fool not to go with the Beatles. That said, I think I'd rather listen to "Sticky Fingers" and "Exile on Main Street" than any Beatles album.
If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who?
What the fuck kind of question is that?
Bugs Bunny, how about that?
Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Yes.
Do you have any phobias?
I have a terrible fear of someone beaning me in the noggin with a pickaxe. I try not to think about it too much, though.
What are your plans for the future?
I hope to procure food and drink to meet my nutritional needs. I plan on being a pretty good guy (and I plan on forgiving myself immediately if that turns out to be an impossibility). I plan on putting together a Sigur Ros compilation for my funeral. I plan on having a funeral. I plan on reading a lot of inconsequential Dragonlance books that will not expand my knowledge one iota. I plan on hooking up and getting down. I plan on being socially active, insomuch as it benefits me and is not too difficult a proposition. I plan on kicking the ass of anyone who gets in my way. I plan on being the one to end each and every shit-talking session and I plan on ending it in a violent manner. I plan on outrunning John Law. I plan on destroying every shred of moral integrity that I've amassed in the last 45 years. I plan on attending a Bon Jovi concert and pelting him with rotten tomatoes. I also plan on shooting Richie Sambora with a poison dart while I'm there (make it worth the price of the ticket, babee). I plan on spontaneously combusting just to prove that it really happens. I plan on inventing a conspiracy theory that will cause the downfall of the Ming dynasty. I plan on breeding a strain of rattlesnake whose venom will cure cancer and AIDS (or at the very least will get you real, real high). I plan on spending 2 or 3 minutes reflecting upon all the positive, helpful things I've done in my life. I plan on spending a couple of days reflecting on all the pain and misery I've caused myself and others in my life. I plan on instigating a new hobby that will test the limits of my capacity to survive numerous battles with several illegal narcotics. I plan on losing one of those battles (after which I plan to hear some sweet Sigur Ros tuneage from the comfort of a cheaply made coffin).
Do you walk around the house naked?
Yes. But not in my own house.
If you were an animal what would you be?
I like Hippos. And ferrets.
Hair color you like on someone you're dating?
Piss yellow with stripes of shit brown.
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Neither. I have to choose? I'm an "all or nothing at all" kind of guy.
Do you have any special talents?
Many of my peers tell me I'm a boring individual. I consider that to be a talent, even if it's not a rare one.
What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Take off my clothes and yell, "Hi-Ho Silver, away!!!" Then I shoot up all the mirrors with a 6 gun.
Do you like horror or comedy?
My life is an equal combination of both. I wouldn't want to choose.
Are you missing anyone?
I miss every single one of the people who ever gave me free drugs over the years. I'm hoping they'll come back soon, generosity intact.
If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?
I'm crooked. I don't want to "DO" anyone. That wouldn't be nice, would it?
Where do you want to live when you are old?
On the other side of time and space.
Who is the person you can count on the most?
That vampire on Sesame Street. I think his name is The Count. That son-of-a-bitch knows his numbers, lemme tell ya.
If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
The cast of "Army Brat" (on a double date with the cast from "Brat Force").
What did you dream last night?
An extremely disturbing vision of resurrection and spaghetti.
What is your favorite sport to watch?
The sport I like to watch the most is the hare/turtle race.
Are you named after anyone?
I think I got my last name from my mom and dad...but I'm not sure.
What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
70% Isopropyl. Scope mouthwash comes in a close second.
Non alcoholic drink?
Anything that mixes well with alcohol.
Have you ever been in love?
Never.
Do you sing in the shower?
You bet I do. My favorite song to sing in the shower is called "My God, My Penis Is Shrinking".
Have you ever been arrested?
Only once. Take my advice, kids...I don't care how much a certain teacher gets on your nerves or gives you failing grades...don't kill their kitties.
What is your favorite Holiday?
I like Ground Hog Day a lot.
Would you ever get plastic surgery?
I am of the unswerving opinion that unwarranted plastic surgery is an offense to the living God.
Have you ever caught a fish?
Once.
That's it? What a strange way to end such a wildly amusing survey.
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