No surprises: the XXX survey

Time to kill again... Here it is, ladies and gentlemen:

THE XXX SURVEY!

Are you wearing underwear?
Actually I am. I found a clean pair and said, "Holy Moly let's DO THIS!"


If so, what style and color?
White boxers with two or three stains of unidentifiable color on the back side.

Is breast size truly important to you?
You're talking about mine, right? No? Good. So, is breast size important to me? It all depends on the breast size of the gal who's offering them to me, if you get what I'm sayin'. I ain't particular in a real-life situation, you know?

Is penis size truly important to you?
It is important to me that the size of my penis not hurt anyone. Sometimes that just cannot be helped, as there are a lot of women in the world who simply cannot accommodate the incredible length and massive girth of my reproductive limb. It's also very important to me that I not be responsible for size-related complexes that develop in men who accidentally catch a glimpse of my armadillo while using the urinals at the theater.

How long did your 1st time last?
When you take into consideration all the time I spent seducing my long-term girlfriend, the intense foreplay session and the bitter regret expressed by both parties at my refusal to wear a condom...oh, my best guess would be...about one minute.


Have you ever had sex (including oral) with someone out of pity?
No, though there were a few girls I had sex with who were pitiful. There was at least one who, I'm positive, had sex with ME out of pity. However, she was singing a different tune after the deal went down.


Where is the oddest place you've had sex?
In the parking lot of a Sonic drive-in. The shit really hit the fan when the car-hop brought my food to me. I was alone, after all.


Where would you like to have sex that you never have?
On the set of a big-time porn movie production, in the scene where the male lead accidentally walks into the girls dressing room and the whole women's basketball team...well, you get the idea.

Have you ever had a 3some?
Does "me" "myself" and "I" count as a threesome? No? Well, in that case I've only been involved in one 3some. It was awesome, but it paled in comparison to the 24some I was part of in the early 80s.

Would you ever consider a 3some?
I would consider a 3some...and yet, to "consider" is a long way from a 3some actually coming down the pike, isn't it?

Have you had sex in the living room?
They don't call it a "living room" for nothing, eh? HARDY HAR HAAR HARDY HAR HAR HAR HARDY HARDY HAR HARDY HAR...no, never in the living room. At least not since we had our son.

Have you had sex in the bathroom?
I LOVE having sex in bathrooms. Especially dirty, smelly bathrooms like the ones you find in 3rd rate truck stops. There's something I think is very erotic about the smell of molding shit festering in a toilet bowl that has been used for at least a month after it has stopped working. Furthermore, those condom machines on the wall are SO convenient.

Have you had sex in the kitchen?
Oh, yes, and I'll never forget it. Neither will the cooks at Pizza Hut.


Have you had sex in the dining room?
Sure. The waitresses said, "Why should the cooks have all the fun?" Not only the waitresses but also the majority of the people who were there for the lunch buffet gave me a standing ovation (although a few did find it offensive and left).

Have you had sex in someone Else's bed?
Sure. Grandma was pissed off that I didn't clean up afterwards.

Have you had sex in a vehicle?
Cars...trains...planes...helicopters...trolleys...the subway...Army tanks...sailboats...warships...submarines...hovercraft...flying saucers...snowmobiles...lunar landing modules...you name it, I've had sex in it.

What kind of music do you like to listen to during sex?
Anything that distracts me just enough to improve my endurance but not so intrusive as to take my mind off of the task at hand. Contemporary Christan Praise and Worship music seems to do the trick.

What is the most times you've had sex in 1 day?
In my younger days I could masturbate 6 or 7 times a day for many days in a row, until the pain of soreness ended the spree. Recovery time was always speedy in those days (as irritated skin has a tendency to heal faster at an early age). As for how many times I have been able to throw a hump at a bird in one day...if memory serves, I once took it to the limit 4 times in one 24 hour period of time. I barely escaped a divorce when my wife found out about the 4th one.

Hot and passionate or fun and goofy?
Why not hot and fun? Why not passionate and goofy? Why not just one and none of the others? Or maybe some other combinations...Passionate and grateful-to-be-geitting-any, maybe? Goofy and soon-to-be-rejected? Hot and bitching about the broke down air conditioner? Fun and lucky?