More from Roy

More from Roy, who is the only person I have ever known who eats Spam straight out of the can, taking big bites out of the loaf, as if it were a big candy bar. He's also the only adult I have ever heard pronounce "Pringles" like this: "Pring-Os"...

~~~"I've got Satan's bug...I'm dying of AIDS."

~~~"I'm gonna drink me some toilet bowl cleaner. I'm gonna drink my cologne."

~~~Every day I suggest activities for Roy, all of which he disgustedly rejects. It has become a running gag for me to suggest a road trip to Ardmore, which is a couple of hundred miles south on the Oklahoma-Texas border. Today when I mentioned Ardmore Roy said, "There ain't nothin' down there in Ardmore for my white ass."

~~~"I'm gonna go live in a pumpkin."

~~~I noticed today that Roy was wheezing (probably from all the constant chain-smoking). I pointed this out to Roy, to which he replied, "I can't help it. I got AIDS." (No, Roy does NOT have AIDS)

~~~"I'm gonna call the police on my Aunt Glenda. She lied to me." (Roy pronounces it "Poe-Lease")

~~~"How about if I give you a chocolate pie with shaving cream on top of it?"

~~~""I'm gonna slap me a Chinese whore. I'll paint me a Mexican green-and-red striped."

~~~"I'll stick my hand in a tree-hole. What do you think I'll pull out? I'll pull out a snake, probably."

~~~When Roy checked his mail today there was, in his mailbox, one of those bulk advertisement letters from Geico. Roy walked in the house waving it around and said, "What's Geico doing sending me insurance? I don't have no damn car!"

~~~"I'm gonna play the devil's horn...the devil's trumpet."

~~~"I'm gonna piss off a bumble bee. Make it go over there and sting that dog. I'll say, 'Go get him, Buzz-Bee!' till that dog screams. He'll never know who sicced that bee on him! I'm gonna piss a spider off, too. What'll happen if I piss a spider off?"

~~~"I'm going to go to the Fitness Center and pull the Fire Alarm."

~~~"I want to hear a whole string of Black Cats go off. Two or three hundred of 'em!"