TIPS FOR BAR BAND BEGINNERS

Okay, you've learned how to play a musical instrument with a certain degree of dexterity. You've even found a few other guys who've done the same thing. It's only logical: let's put together a band!!! It'll be fun!

Yes, it will. Lots of fun. But NOT profitable if you live in an area where college sports are given more attention to any form of culture. You're not in it for the money, you say? Fine. Whatever you say.

But if you DO want to milk a little moolah out of your endeavors you are going to have to play the bars. Managers call them "clubs". Those in the know call them "dives". Prefabricated metal buildings with yellow "pointing arrow signs" displaying the bar's name...that's all they are. Kept so dark inside that you can't see the crusty, gooey goodness on the chair seats and the lipstick stains on the rims of the glasses. The ventilation system consists of an open back door and MAYBE a ceiling fan. The place is so permeated with smoke that it's a wonder the Surgeon General doesn't require a warning label above the entrance door saying "Repeated exposure to the atmosphere within this building has been scientifically proven to cause lung cancer and emphysema. Nursing or pregnant women should not enter these premises."

Doesn't sound very good, does it? Oh, but there are many, many people who find much comfort and enjoyment haunting these establishments. I'll never understand why, but that's just me. And these people expect to be entertained...or at least to have a soundtrack, other than the jukebox, playing in the background of their pool tournaments and dart games.

This is where you come in. This is the opportunity your band has been waiting for ever since they realized that luck, not talent, gets you to the big time. If you're down on that luck you might as well get what you can, even if it's only 50 or 75 bucks per man on weekend nights. Plus, it's a good excuse to get away from the nagging wife and cloying kids for a good chunk of time.

So, do it, baby. Hustle yourselves to every bar manager in the state, line up some regular gigs, buy a trailer to haul your shit around, take your first baby steps on the road to fame and fortune.

Drawing from much experience I would like to offer the following tips...a veritable PRIMER for the budding bar band. Take these words to heart. You will save yourself MUCH grief if you do. For it is certain, when a few years have passed (and if you're still in the game) you will look back and say, "Oh, sweet Lord in heaven, I wish I had taken him seriously." If you're really lucky I will post more at a later date.


~~~A successful performance is not necessarily gauged by how much money the band makes or even how large the audience is. If a good lookin' gal flashes her breasts for the band you can damn well call it a "good night". If this happens of a regular basis consider yourselves a "good band', regardless of how much you may or may not suck.

~~~You can always count on the "lone dancer" hittin' the dance floor and really getting into your band and/or the song at the beginning of the first set. It is a safe bet that she is not, buy a long shot, the most attractive female in the bar.

~~~You will never, and I mean NEVER play a show without the grating ear-busting sound of monitor/PE feedback disrupting the set at least one time. This cacophonous outburst is sure to piss off all patrons of the bar (as if it doesn't happen with every other band who plays the place). Do not placate them with apologies. It's only what they deserve for hanging out in a joint that has shitty acoustics.

~~~The pot smoking, you will soon learn, always takes place way back in the parking lot behind the establishment's back door. Ideally these gatherings will consist lf no more than 5 or 6 people (less than that if you're lucky) who will be gathered around a large vehicle. In some circles it is proper to partake inside this vehicle, but just as many people prefer the great outdoors. The savvy stoners know that the best times to expect the congregation to convene is during the band's breaks.

~~~Get this straight: The drummer has enough shit to set up before the show. He's not obligated to set up any other shit. He will inform you this so that you won't forget on future occasions. Furthermore, it is naive to think that the drum set can be constructed in the same amount of time it takes to set anything and everything else up. There is a direct correlation between the amount of time required to set up drums and the time it takes to set up "everything" else. In other words, if it takes 90 minutes to set up PAs, guitar amps. microphones, etc., you can bet that it will take 91 minutes before the drums are up and ready to go.

~~~If you, by chance, get to check out other bands on the circuit (say, perhaps, you don't have a gig scheduled for the next month and a half), you will notice that there are two types of bass players: tall & lanky or short & fat. Their individual playing styles tend to reflect these physical features. This is an enigma and it is doubtful that anyone will ever understand it.

~~~Thing aren't like they were in the old days---DO NOT EXPECT FREE DRINKS. It is the rare juke joint that will give the band booze on the house. On a related not, you would be well served to avoid running up a bar tab. It's bad enough that you're only making $50 for the night---it hurts even more when you find out that you're only taking home $15 because your tab got out of hand (as the generally do).

~~~Alcoholic and/or druggie band members should be tolerated only to the extent to which their talent adds to your group's performance. If the guy becomes too high maintenance you can be forgiven for keeping him on the payroll (though I don't advise it). However, if his playing starts going down the toilet you've got to kick his ass out immediately. Unfortunately all too often the lush has embedded himself so deplyu into the other members personal lives that they find it difficult, if not impossible, to do the right thing. Don't let this happen to you. Cut him loose, give him the boot, hand him a ticket to the last train to Clarkesville.

~~~It doesn't matter where you play---big city or small town---there will ALWAYS be a drummer in the crowd who wants to sit in with the band. These would-be Alex Van Halens share at least two things in common: they are in possession of precious little talent and they can't take "no" for an answer. You're drummer is justified in being reluctant (read: unwilling) to hand over his sticks to these jackasses because all too often the situation escalates to a strong potential for violence. On the plus side, your drummer can consider it a personal break and an opportunity to enjoy the fellowship of his new found friends out back, in the rear parking lot behind the bar's rear entrance. The negative? There is always a STRONG chance that one of these amateurs will break a snare drum or a kick pedal.

~~~The parasites mentioned above are not always drummers. Nay. Singers, guitarists, bassists, they're all out there waiting for just the right time to step up to the stage and ask, "Can I sit in on 'Sweet Home Alabama'? No? Well do you know anything by Merle Haggard or Hank Williams? 'Silver Wings', maybe? I can sing that one reeeeel good!". "Sure you can, buddy. That's why you're in the audience watching our shitty band instead of at some other club on a stage playing with your OWN shitty band." You will find out why they aren't if you let them sit in. Just say "NO".

~~~One last thing about the above mentioned leeches. It may not happen very often but there WILL come a time when AN ENTIRE BAND will ask you if they can play a couple of songs, maybe during your break. 99.9% of the time they will expect you to hand over your own instruments for them to play on. If they say they only want to play a couple of songs, you should know that their definition of "a couple of songs" is "6 or 7 songs, with extended jams towards the end". If, for some insane reason you give them permission to do this, you must enforce one condition: THEY MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO PLAY 'FREE BIRD'. The reason for this rule should be obvious to anyone ever remotely involved with playing music on the club circuit.

~~~If a fight breaks out in the crow---KEEP ON PLAYING. Relax and enjoy the spectacle from the relative safety of the stage. DO NOT say anything over the PA in a vain attempt to regulate the situation. None of this "Come on, people, we're all friends here...let's just enjoy the evening and get along with each other...take it easy and just dance" crap. Odds are you will find yourself enmeshed in the violence as a result and the whole point of your peace keeping mission will be lost. A good bar brawl is just as entertaining to the audience as you are (maybe more so). ESPECIALLY if it's a cat fight. They are the highlight of the overall dive bar experience.

~~~You know that old saying about how "the girls all get prettier at closing time"? It's true. Save yourself a lot of misery. Go home to your wife. If you're a single man, go home to your empty bed. Trust me, it's preferable to the morning after if you've taken the bait from one of those "pretty girls".

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