...of Options and Onions

There are a lot of good things about living in a small town. Personally, I wouldn't have it any other way. But, as one might expect, there are significant drawbacks.

For instance, in the town where I live the restaurant options are limited to 3 establishments. I don't count the little coffee shop downtown, which does serve food but closes shop after lunch...I don't know anyone who professes to like their vittles, they'd probably tell you that it was a nice place to hang out with cronies of a morning and pour as many cups of coffee down your gullet as you can. Somehow they've found a way to stay in business with coffee sales alone.

As for the others...

We finally got a Subway about a year ago. They came in just as the other sandwich shop went bust. Subworks was already doomed before the Subway folks moved in, but it couldn't have helped (Subworks' downfall, IMO, was their bread. It always seemed to be on the verge of staleness).

The town actually had a Subway at one point. It was the deli section of a convenience store that had just re-modeled. I don't guess the arrangement worked out very well for them, because they didn't last too long there. It was several years later until the franchise took a chance on this town again.

All of which doesn't say much about the restaurant itself. Well what do you want? It's a freakin' Subway, for cripes sake. They're all the same. I like it enough, but it's just so damned expensive (a comment indicative of my current "standard of living"). It is, however, probably the best place to eat here.

Next is a pizza place on the west side of town. I won't mention the name. This joint has been here for a long time and I have eaten many hundreds of pizza slices within it's walls. Only recently, however, has it dawned on me as to how inferior their food is to any pizza restaurant Ihave ever been to (and I like pizza...I've been to a few). The sauce they use makes it's way through the gastrointestinal system in a remarkably short period of time. This is why I don't recommend eating it unless you plan on being next to a restroom within the next 30 minutes after consuming it. There is a general uncleanliness about the place. In the summer you can count on seeing dead flies on the window sills. Often the tables have not been wiped very thoroughly. The cash register, all smudged and begrimed from being so close to the heat of the kitchen, is especially nasty. To top it all off, they've got some unhealthy looking cooks sweating away back there.

Still, we used to eat there every once in a while because you do get used to it. Even so, we are currently boycotting the place. The last time I was there with my son, the waitress passed right by us to wait on some people who weren't even there when we showed up. Got up, stormed out and chowed at Subway that night. We've boycotted this particular restaurant on a couple of prior occassions. They last for months, and the revenue of this dump drops considerably...okay, that was a joke, but truth is I doubt we are the only ones who have boycotted it. It's common knowledge around town that it's a gross place to eat.

Then again, I don't know what purpose there is in it. The best case scenario would be a drastic overhaul in the quality of food. But I really don't think that's going to happen. So the outcome could only be that the patronage of the restaurant reaches such a dismal low that they can't afford to remain in business, and they shut 'er down. But then we'd only have two choices in this town...so what the hell. It isn't THAT bad. I'm sure the whole crew will have left while another crew replaces them, and who knows but that THAT crew might get it right. That'll all happen by the time our boycott winds down. Another chance will be given.

The last option is the Sonic Drive-In. Suckers' got staying power...it's been selling burgers here for over 25 years. I can't think of any time when business has not thrived at this place. And it will always do well because people in this town like to place their orders using a small intercom while comfortably seated in their automobiles. You can eat it in the car or take it home with you, isn't that convenient? The waiting period between placing the order and getting your food is not too long. Bring a book or a magazine to read and it goes by in a flash. The food is pretty good. It's nothing special, I don't suppose. More often "tasty" than not.

My chief complaint about Sonic is one that I have also had with several other burger sellers I have eaten at. If you don't like onions on your burger you already know what I'm talking about. First of all, if I order "no onions", that's what I mean. I don't know which is worst, getting onions on the whole thing or that lone onion that always seems to save itself for your last bite. You consider yourself lucky that the Sonic guys actually got a "no onions" order right, and then, *crunch*, that powerful, nasty onion taste is the last thing you'll remember about an otherwise enjoyable meal.

Last night I ordered one of their goofy "Toaster" sandwiches. The Bacon Cheeseburger. Now, I don't expect onions to be on a bacon cheeseburger. That's what made 'em so easy to get right. You didn't even have to say "no onions" and it was all good. So I'm not expecting onions. I forget that the toaster version comes with a hickory sauce, and ordered mayonaisse instead. Then I remembered that the toaster variety of bacon cheeseburger came with an onion ring between the toast and the meat. I suppose it is supposed to compliment the hickory sauce.

I figured, what the hell, you know? It's not that I don't like onions in general (although that WAS my policy until a few years ago). I very much enjoy red onions on pizza. I like onion rings if they're done up right. Onions in chili. Probably a few more dishes that have onions in them. But I DO NOT like chopped onions...actually I don't mind them every once in awhile, if I'm in a weird mood... But more often than not I cannot stand them. And it's not really the chopped onions so much as it is the crispness, the crunchiness, the smell of 'em. This brand of onion product is what they use at Sonic.

I suppose the blame for all the countless "lone onion" incidents shouldn't be leveled at the cooks. Most likely some onions just got mixed in with the lettuce while the cook was using both hands with each. None of which changes the enormous buzz-busting power of the lone onion.

But I digress. I get myself mentally prepared for the onion ring. I'm sure wishing I hadn't made the switch to mayonaisse, but maybe it will be okay. And for the life of me I don't know what possessed me to get it as a toaster and not a regular bacon cheeseburger with the essential BUN. Maybe I thought, "I'll give 'er another tryyyyyy." Hopefully it will be long time before I say that again.

The thing had onions on it!!! Not just the onion ring, but a fistful of the dreaded chopped variety. A bacon cheeseburger with two doses of yummy onion goodness. Why would they think that even an onion lover would not be overcome by the sheer overkill of this assault? You might as well have just ordered yourself an onion burger.

What do I do? I eat it, that's about all I can do. I can't complain to the management because it states clearly on the menu that this toaster comes with all manner of onions. The only logical thing to do, as I saw it at the time, was to try and put myself in that aforementioned mood where I can tolerate them. I acheived at least 75% of this goal.

I can't say I enjoyed this particular meal very much. But in the words of popular country and western recording artist Tracy Lawrence, "Lessons learned and they sure run deep...they don't come cheap." So true. I learned one for the cost of a #5 Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster Value Meal.

The lesson learned?

Never order the #5 combo.