Collected "Roy-isms"

A couple of years ago I worked for a corporation that provided services for "developmentally delayed individuals". My short career in that field only lasted a few years, and I got to know several of these people, and a few of them were pretty cool. But I never knew anyone like Roy. Roy had his fair share of problems and eccentricities...On most days he would do nothing but sit on the floor smoking cigarettes and listening to the oldies station, KOMA. I mean to tell you he had that radio station blaring 24 hours a day. It was mind blowing how much trivia he had stashed in his brain about the songs and artists on KOMA. Every day at noon we would listen to Ronnie Kaye's trivia question and more often than not, Roy knew the answer. We would have won the contest every day if we could have made it past the other callers to actually speak with Kaye (I often spoke with him to request songs, and he put some of those short conversations on the air). We did win once, with some hopelessly obscure question that I doubt anyone in Oklahoma knew the answer to...anyone but Roy, of course.

He was a fun guy to work with once you got past the body odor, the incredibly shoddy state of his household and the constant hateful swearing and cursing he would lash out occasionally at no one in particular. He had the foulest mouth of anyone I've ever known. It was actually funny and almost endearing, once I got used to it. But he had at least one remark he was fond of that I insisted he not use. You KNOW it had to be rough stuff if it could offend me.

But perhaps the craziest thing about Roy was...

He was married to a doll.

At least he believed he was married to a doll. He loved dolls. He loved one particular doll more than the others. He had given her the name of Annie Marie. She was one of several dolls he owned, but there must have been something special about her. I guess his guardian thought this proclivity was amusing (it is, though, don't you think?) and so he rounded up some friends, dressed one of 'em up as a priest. Then they performed a wedding ceremony for Roy and Annie Marie, the doll. Gave him a bogus wedding certificate and everything (if you want to see a photograph of the "wedding certificate" and Annie Marie, they were posted on 10.21.05). They even videotaped the whole affair (of course...you don't go through that kind of trouble without some kind of memento). I don't know what I think about all of that. It was probably not the ethical thing for Roy's guardian to do. But no one was hurt and Roy really enjoyed it. He thought it was real and I have no doubt he still thinks it's real and will continue to do so until the day he dies.

All that aside, the thing I most liked about Roy was that he would say things, just out of the blue, that made no sense within the context of whatever we were talking about (if they made sense at all). Or maybe we weren't talking at all and he would suddenly bust out with one of these statements. I called them "Roy-isms", and I've posted them here before, way back in the early months of '06.

But never before have I attempted to collect the entire series of "Roy-isms" and place them all together in one post. Today I am going to do just that, because I think they deserve to be re-posted as a set (if you've been with this blog for awhile you know I rarely re-post anything). So grab a soda, have a seat and have a laugh. Roy won't mind, I assure you.

ROY-ISMS

~~~"I hope we get bowling ball-sized hail."

~~~"I'm playing my Iranian trumpet."

~~~"I wanna chase people with a chainsaw on Halloween."

~~~"I'm gonna pass gas in the Synagogue."

~~~"I'm eatin' bugs."

~~~"CHOCOLATE BRICK!"

~~~"I'm gonna make my bed in a chocolate cake."

~~~"I DON'T GET PAID FOR THIS!"

That last one is just so funny...it's what he says every time I ask him to do something that he doesn't really want to do (and that would include just about everything). He winds up doing what he's asked, but he moans and complains, "Ahhh, I don't get paid for this shit", with the volume of his voice rising to a crescendo by the time the last word is out of his mouth.

I can envision this becoming a nationwide catch phrase, with people everywhere bemoaning, "I don't get paid for this"...sort of the modern day equivalent of Freddie Prinze's old line, "Eez Not My Chob!"
Roy's eyesight is faulty, and I often wonder just how blind he is. He misplaced a pack of cigarettes the other day and thought he'd lost them. More precisely, he thought someone had stolen them from him, and he bellowed, "Some crack head done pimped me!"

~~~"I'll break my bowl! Cuz I'm crazy! I'll break my plate...I'll break my eyeglasses!"

~~~"I'm gonna squeeze a turtle."

~~~"I'm gonna raise hell on Halloween and I'm gonna throw my Christmas tree off the porch on Christmas."

~~~"My cousin Sherri took a shit in my uncle Johnny's boot and blamed it on me."

~~~"I'm gonna smoke me some coffee grounds, just for the fun of it."

~~~"I'm gonna drop firecrackers in kids' candy bags on Halloween...make 'em go off cryin'."

~~~"Can I raise hell in Dallas? Trip out on the Mexicans down there? Curse 'em out in Spanish?"

~~~"I'm gonna piss in my bug zapper."

~~~"I'm gonna drink piss 'on the rocks'."

~~~"I'm gonna bust me some balloons."

~~~"I'm gonna piss on my momma's bed."

~~~"I'm going to piss a locust off."

~~~"I'm gonna tie springs on my feet and bounce on 'em, BOING BOING BOING!

~~~"I'm gonna burn down a whorehouse. Jim McCloud, I'm gonna burn down his whorehouse. Burn down the Kickapoo Motel."

~~~"I'm eatin' horse shit."

~~~"I don't want to end up in no strange ghetto."

~~~"I had a dream I broke out windows last night...Glass makes pretty music when it breaks."

~~~"Get that fucked-up bicycle out of here."
It should be noted that there was not a bicycle in sight when Roy said this, so I asked, "Where's the bicycle?" to which he replied, "In the machine shop."

~~~"I'm gonna bitch slap my grandma. I'm gonna bitch slap my sister."
"Why would you want to do that?" I asked.
"Cause they're bitches...Push my momma off a bridge."

~~~"I'm gonna drink me some Mexican beer and go crazy like a wild Indian."

~~~"I eat shit all the time. It's good with peanut butter. I'm gonna eat me some cow shit. I'm gonna smoke me some dog shit. Dry it out in the sun, stick it in my pipe and smoke it. That's why you call cigars 'dog turds'".

~~~"I'm going to take me an overdose. I'm gonna piss off an oil well."

~~~"I'm gonna go on a hunger strike. I'm gonna sue DHS for 2.9 million cause they're robbing me of food stamps. They're robbing my white ass. N*****-fucking dope fiend."

~~~"I'm gonna drown in the sea of love, man."

~~~"I'm gonna break my stereo. I wanna see stereo fireworks."

~~~"Can I smoke my momma's crack?"

~~~"What do you think I am? Your damn whore?"

~~~"I'm gonna smoke my Mexican clock."

~~~Roy and I listen to the Oldies station all day long and we both like the DJ, Ronnie Kaye, who has been in radio & television for as long as both of us can remember. I made the remark to Roy that I've always liked Ronnie Kaye, to which he replied, "He's a fool, man...He's a stone fuckin' fool." (Regardless, Roy is as big a fan of Kaye as I am)

~~~"I'm gonna play my Australian flute".

~~~"I'm gonna play my farting violin."

~~~"I've got Satan's bug...I'm dying of AIDS."

~~~"I'm gonna drink me some toilet bowl cleaner. I'm gonna drink my cologne."

~~~Every day I suggest activities for Roy, all of which he disgustedly rejects. It has become a running gag for me to suggest a road trip to Ardmore, which is a couple of hundred miles south on the Oklahoma-Texas border. Today when I mentioned Ardmore Roy said, "There ain't nothin' down there in Ardmore for my white ass."

~~~"I'm gonna go live in a pumpkin."

~~~I noticed today that Roy was wheezing (probably from all the constant chain-smoking). I pointed this out to Roy, to which he replied, "I can't help it. I got AIDS." (No, Roy does NOT have AIDS)

~~~"I'm gonna call the police on my Aunt Glenda. She lied to me." (Roy pronounces it "Poe-Lease")

~~~"How about if I give you a chocolate pie with shaving cream on top of it?"

~~~""I'm gonna slap me a Chinese whore. I'll paint me a Mexican green-and-red striped."

~~~"I'll stick my hand in a tree-hole. What do you think I'll pull out? I'll pull out a snake, probably."

~~~When Roy checked his mail today there was, in his mailbox, one of those bulk advertisement letters from Geico. Roy walked in the house waving it around and said, "What's Geico doing sending me insurance? I don't have no damn car!"

~~~"I'm gonna play the devil's horn...the devil's trumpet."

~~~"I'm gonna piss off a bumble bee. Make it go over there and sting that dog. I'll say, 'Go get him, Buzz-Bee!' till that dog screams. He'll never know who sicced that bee on him! I'm gonna piss a spider off, too. What'll happen if I piss a spider off?"

~~~"I'm going to go to the Fitness Center and pull the Fire Alarm."

~~~"I want to hear a whole string of Black Cats go off. Two or three hundred of 'em!"

~~~"I hope we get a violent tornado. I like riding them things. I like to wrestle them things."

~~~"She ain't nothin' but a chocolate lover."

~~~"I'm gonna buy me a mouse."
"What are you going to do with a mouse?" I asked him.
"I'm gonna play with him"

~~~"I'm gonna take a dump on my momma's cake."

~~~The other day he walked into the mental health clinic where he gets a bi-weekly injection of Haldol and announced to everyone in the waiting room, "I'm here to get my weekly shot of crack!" Several present thought this was quite funny. Then he said, "I'm going to eat a clock. Can I eat that computer?"

~~~"I'm gonna shit on my momma's custard pie."

~~~"I'm gonna take a hammer and bust the windows out of all pawn shops."

~~~"I'm gonna smoke me some beer."

~~~"I'm gonna buy me some Mexican gasoline."

~~~"I'm gonna raise hell in the gym. I'm gonna burst a basketball...blow it up real tight and burst it!"

~~~"I'm going to be the devil's horns."

~~~"Why don't I just blow some gas all over this town and stink it all up?"

~~~"I'm going to play my musical whistle."

~~~"I'm going to drink me some Clorox."

~~~"I'm going to drink me some Scotch...a whole jug of it."

~~~"Can I yell 'FIRE!' in a movie theater?"