Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you:
YET ANOTHER QUESTIONAIRRE I FILLED OUT AT MYSPACE.
HAVE YOU EVER:
Q: Kissed someone on your top friends?
Yes. A few of them. A couple of 'em even kissed me back (then again, a few of them slapped me).
Q: Been arrested?
Once when I was like 16 or 17 years old. Ahh, the feel of cold steel handcuffs...I'm tempted to do something illegal again and hope I get caught.
Q: You like someone?
Uhhhh, no, I'm a total sociopath and I hate everyone. OF COURSE I like someone. Then again, I guess that's a "teeny bopper" question, which makes me feel like an immature moron for filling this thing out (okay, I don't just FEEL like one, I AM one).
Q: Held a snake?
Yes, I have. Back in high school. It felt pretty cool, but nearly as cool as cat's tongues. And dog's noses when they're dry.
Q: Been suspended from school?
No, but I took a few licks for bringing a couple copies of National Lampoon to school. Got a couple more for kicking a bus door in an attempt to get in and beat up the guy who locked me out.
Q: Sat on a roof top?
A few times. As far away from the edge as I could manage.
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Not that I can remember. Anyone who could have done that to me is stll alive, so it's a safe bet that I haven't.
5. Went to the mall with? The wife and my son. I don't really like malls, but the closest bookstore is in the Shawnee. Most of the time I'm just not up for a drive to OKC , though Barnes & Noble is my favorite store. Plus, it's easier to hide bombs in the mall.
6. You talked to on the phone with?
My wife. She told me I was an insensitive brute and not to expect her to come home for at least 3 months. She called me several names that you wouldn't normally think a wife would call a husband. Then she told me not to forget to give the dog his medicine.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
My wife. She told me she would never forgive me. She called me a cad and claimed to have photographs to prove it. She said she was sorry she ever knew me and that if she had it all to do over again she would have never gone to that Air Supply concert where we met 18 years ago. She said I could keep the stereo but that she wanted the television and the VCR. She said she was packing up and moving to Wyoming and that if I ever wahted to see my son again I'd better buy a bus ticket. She said she had taken "those videos" with her so I should not even think of blackmailing her (but the joke's on her...I had a couple of them hidden that she didn't find...ha ha). She said her heart was broken and her soul was crushed by the spiteful, heartless things I did last weekend. She suggested that I dig myself a large hole in the back yard and crawl in it. She said I was crazy if I thought she was going to pay the bill for my stay in the Habana Inn last weekend. She said there was no way in hell she was going to shed one tear for me on the day when I was out of her life completely. In fact, she said, she would likely celebrate that event by having a few wine coolers and taking her girlfriends out to Sherlock's for a night on the town.
9. You messaged on myspace?
My daughter. Lengthy messages at that.
,
10. You commented?
Jerry Redd. He is a phenomenon.
11. You spent the night with?
Actually I slept alone last night. See #7.
WOULD YOU RATHER...
1. Eat or drink?
Be merry.
2. Be serious or be funny?
I want to be serious but I wind up being funny (at least I THINK I'm funny...people laugh at me).
3. Drink whole or skim milk?
Skim milk is not milk, as far as I'm concerned. I don't drink milk anyway, only put it on cereal (peferablely Count Chocula, Cap'n Crunch...anything with enough sugar to rot my teeth).
4. Die in a fire or get shot?
Put it in the back of my head while I'm not looking...don't let me know you're there, either. Have you seen "American Beauty"? That's my choice over dying in a fire, which, frankly, is on the long list of ways I DON'T want to die.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY..
1. Sun or moon?
Moon, baby! Viva La Luna, sweet cheekers! The sun only makes me hot. Not only that, it often burns my skin and it makes life on this planet possible.
3. Left or right?
You don't have to wait for the light to change to make a left turn, so I'll go with "left".
4. Sunny or rainy?
I am the Rain King. I don't care what Adam Duritz says. He ain't no Rain King, cuz I am. If you wanted to know I could show you that when it rains or shines it's just a state of mind.
7. Do you want to get married?
I guess if I were a Mormon I would want to get married again. Don't know what the wife might think of that, though. (Oh...I forgot...see #8...it still hasn't sunk in).
8. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
I cut that sucka. Straight through like a knife through butta. Twirling takes too much time and has much greater potential for being messy. Plus "cut" sounds a lot more masculine than "twirl". "Twirl" is something pom-pom girls do with batons. "Cut" is something convicts do with shanks. You get my drift?
9. Do You Cook?
I wouldn't call what I do in the kitchen "cooking". There's not much skill required to make sloppy joes, spaghetti, chili, hamburger helper, etc...
10. Current mood?
I find that filling out these questionairre tends to anaesthetize my moods, so the answer is NONE (although I really should be sad or depressed...see #7 in the last batch of questions)
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Kissed someone?
That depends. Does kissing someone's ass count?
2. Been hugged by someone and who?
I thought I told you I've been alone for the last couple of days. No? I didn't tell you that? See #7 in the second batch of questions.
3. Held hands with someone?
No. No. No.
4. Felt stupid?
Just this moment. when I realized that the time I spent filling this thing out could have been better spent trying to talk my wife out of the course of action she has stubbornly pursued. I could have changed her mind. She would have forgive everything and come back to me. She would moan and groan about it, but eventually she would pay that bill from the Habana Inn. If I would only call her back and beg her not to leave me.
But alas. I thought it was more important to make sure you all know whether I prefer to twirl my spaghetti or to cut it. Surely the future of my marriage takes a back seat to you wanting to know if I've held hands with someone in the last 48 hours. And one should never underestimate just how excited my MySpace friends become when they learn that I have, indeed, sat on a roof.
Yep, marriage may well be a viable alternative to remaining single, but I've got a bad, bad feeling I'm about to find out if that's truth or myth.
