I don't care much for the music of Nirvana. But in 1994 it was a different story. I thought they were the saviors of the punk rock tradition. This was before the silly label "grunge" was invented and applied to them. All I knew was that "Smells Like Teen Spirit" had the kind of energy, rawness and urgency that hadn't been witnessed since the Pistols and the Clash. Of course Oklahoma radio wasn't playing it when I first heard the song. Probably it was MTV's "120 Minutes" that was my introduction to the band and the song. But then again, it could have been a radio station in Dallas known as The Edge. I had occasion to visit Sulpher, way down south, on a fairly regular basis and I always tuned in when the signal crossed into my territory. What a great radio station. It was exactly what I would have listened to all of the time, had it been in Oklahoma. I can distinctly remember driving down the highway going apeshit crazy when the song came on the radio. I probably wrecked my voice screaming along with KC. Anyone who saw me as I passed surely must have thought I was having some kind of violent seizure.
By the time the band broke into the Oklahoma market I was less enthusiastic. I wasn't listening to the same kind of music anymore. I was probably too old to be hanging with true blue Nirvana fans, who were at least 10 years younger than I was. But I still held Cobain in some esteem, if for no other reason than that he was bringing punk rock back to the masses. In hindsight I think that was probably not a good thing, for reasons I don't have time to go into. But I thought highly of him. I liked the music well enough, and there was no doubt that he was an awesome performer. But by the time "In Utero" was released I couldn't be bothered.
Then, on this day in 1994, the news broke that the Mighty KC had shot himself in the head, strung out on heroin and alone. It was such a surprise it didn't seem real. I even remember where I was when I heard it...driving back to my apartment from a visit to my friends house listening to the radio and the announcer comes on and breaks the news. It stunned me. Why did I react in such a manner? I wasn't a serious fan anymore, why should it seem any more important than the death of any other rock star?
I kind of got a grip on "why" when the suicide note was released. He couldn't handle the fame.The expectations. The responsibilities. Had he ever WANTED fame? Well, like it or not, he was too talented NOT to become famous. I was not too old to have abandoned hopes and dreams of fame for myself. Realistic or not, dream big, I figured. I never thought I'd ever reach the point of fame that Cobain had, but he was a role model in that respect. He'd done it on his own terms. He'd done it on raw talent without having to rely so much on the "right place-right time" factor. I wasn't the only one who thought "if he can do it, why can't I?" He'd MADE IT.
Fame. I always thought I would be completely satisfied in life if I ever got famous. All my problems would be solved. I'd be living the high life. Naive? Yes, I'm sure, but it didn't seem so when Kurt Cobain was smashing his guitar on the stage at the MTV Music Video Awards. I COULD DO THAT. I WOULD DO THAT. I WANT TO DO THAT. I wanted to rise to the top expressing myself in such a transparent manner.
But when Kurt Cobain died, so did those dreams. It hit me hard that if popularity could drive a man with a family (a brand new baby girl, at that) to put a bullet in his skull, what would happen to me if my dream came true? I was no stronger than he was. I'd never had the opportunity to get a feel for the level of popularity that was a fraction of what Cobain was getting EVEN BEFORE THE BAND HIT BIG TIME. I would have been no better prepared for it than he was.
It sounds like a ridiculous cliche: When Kurt Cobain died, so did my dreams of "making it". Or "he killed my dreams when he killed himself". I did, however, get very angry at him for letting down those who helped him get to where he was, who now had dreams themselves thanks to him ...for making heroin his top priority and not his wife, child, friends...You can't just say," Oh, well, it just became too much for him. You can't really blame him for that, can you?" Yes, I think you can. Because, yeah, it was the fame that got to him. Never forget, though, that there was a needle and a gun that pushed him over the line. Both of which were in HIS hand in the hours before his demise. He had every reason and every opportunity to get help. His friends and his wife begged him to. It would have been hard, but why couldn't he have just had them lock him up for 30 or 60 days until the dope was totally out of his system, maybe get some therapy to figure out why he was hooked and get over it for good? He had countless people who would have supported him. He never NEEDED heroin. He was addicted, and there was that strong desire, I know that. The curse of the junkie. Still, it was no different than the plight of millions who have overcome it. He was actually in rehab when the tragedy happened. He snuck off and left of his own accord. What the hell?
This is not the time, I know, to explore all that went wrong and the reasons for it. Best to remember him for the good things he left behind. Not just the music, which still stands the test of time (even if I'm not particularly fond of it). Not for the enjoyment of having witnessed his performances (in person, for the luckier ones...on video for the rest of us). Kurt Cobain's legacy is similar to that of the Velvet Underground. It was once remarked that the VU's greatest achievement was not their notoriety or even the quality of their music. They are revered to this day because it was almost as if every one who ever listened to their music walked away wanting to pick up a guitar and do it themselves. Nirvana had a similar impact on people who heard them. "It doesn't have to be the way THEY say it has to be" (no matter WHO "They" might happen to be). Cobain, Novaselik & Grohl were responsible for the fulfillment of the embryonic mission the punk rockers launched in the late '70s: to give rock and roll back to the people, yank it from the hands of the ultra-talented big label supported dinosaurs. I like progressive rock and enjoy listening to players who have chops. But I totally understand that rock music was meant to be rebellious, a kick in the teeth of the establishment. Take it from someone who was there and witnessed the assault. Rock had been tamed. That's all there was to it. Still great music, but you could hardly call it "rock" anymore, and there weren't too many bands stepping up to the plate to try and bring it all back to it's roots. Maybe the MC5. Surely the New York Dolls. But it all came to a head in '77, when New York bands like Talking Heads, Television, Suicide, the Ramones and a host of others burst on the scene with a sound that, if not flat out punk, was still as far from what rock music had become that another genre, "new wave" had to be created. Over the pond it was even more confrontational, as the Sex Pistols, the Clash, the Damned and other radical bands waved the middle finger salute to the music industry (listen to the Pistols' "EMI" for historical perspective).
All of that just to say that Nirvana did the same thing. What was it, 10 years since punk rock had failed to connect with the masses when Nirvana reared it's ugly head? Plenty of time for the "beast" to get rested up and back in the game. In this respect, at least, I suppose the band's success actually WAS a "right time-right place" success story. Whatever it was, Nirvana busted out and did what the punks couldn't do (and didn't want to do). Mainstream success. A million kids with their OWN "Velvet Underground" experience...it made you want to put a band together. The music empowered you to put it all on the line, to be as transparent as possible, and not care what anyone thought because it was YOUR music, not theirs. If you like it, great. If not, I'm still gonna crank up the volume. For better AND for worse, they changed the musical landscape and Kurt Cobain was at the center of it all. He was the man who made it happen. He was a champion, of sorts. If he had decided to up and retire after the third album he still would have been acknowledged and well regarded for his contributions to pop/rock music.
But he didn't choose to retire. He chose to walk out of that rehab center. He chose to put a needle in his arm. Then he chose to put a gun up to his head. Then he chose to pull the trigger. He chose to abandon his two best friends and the band they had ALL worked so hard with to make successful. That it HAD become so successful makes it even worse.
He chose to leave his daughter without a father.
It boggles the mind. How does a man get to that point? To need a fix more than to care for and spend your days with your own flesh and blood? This is heroin? I've never even tried heroin so how would I know, right? I never tried it because I saw it kill too many of my rock star heroes. I knew better. I was smart enough to say, "Whoa, Nelly, that stuff will kick my ass, I'd best leave it alone!" You can't tell me that the Mighty KC didn't know it would kick his ass as well.
Which doesn't make me any smarter or less vulnerable than he was. I never walked in his shoes. It's not for me to judge. But, dammit, why did it have to happen that way? Why did it have to END that way? Why why why why why...that's the Eternal Question, the one that always leads down the sinkhole to "I don't know" and is spewed back up with "That's just the way it is". So be it. Who knows what "might have" happened. Who knows what "would have" happened? Postulate and fantasize all you want...there's only one thing for certain in this whole tragedy:
Kurt Cobain is dead. And that I'd rather be writing a blog post celebrating a birthday and not an outdated eulogy.
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