I think a lot of what is happening right now in my mental/emotional situation was indirectly inspired by a post on a blog called and I have to remind myself to smile. It's called "I Hate Bipolar", and it prompted me to issue this response:
Hi. I read this post I guess it was a little over a week ago. The whole idea of "hating my bipolar" was intriguing. Really, seriously venting my anger at this demon that has robbed me of so much over the past 25 years. Last week I had a real breakthrough with my depression, which was eating me alive. I honestly think that the really aggressive hate that I directed toward my illness was the catalyst for that. It made me see that *I* am NOT my bipolar. I had blamed myself for so long for things that *I* was not even responsible for. That I had, in so many words, become it's unwitting partner and grown too comfortable/complacent with it. Emptying my anger, my hatred, all that stuff by separating myself from it and allowing myself to hate *IT* instead was incredibly cathartic and, I believe, liberating. I have not felt as good as I do now in 25 years.TWENTY FIVE YEARS!!! Hard to believe. Everything seems so fresh and new. Like I've been re-united with the person I was before the bipolar diagnosis and I'm only just experiencing things I have done, seen, felt, tasted...My only fear is that this could be the genesis of another manic episode. But I really don't think so. When you've been wallowing in depression for that long (once again I have to emphasize: TWENTY FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!) you get so used to it that it's really frightening, because everything DOES seem so new and even different. But this seed you've planted, this advice to hate my bipolar, I think will give me a line of defense against a really bad upper swing (plus, I have faith that the medication I'm on will do that, as it is supposed to). I don't know why I didn't think of it, as it sounds like a logical thing to do. But I am glad you did, and I am very grateful. May you have peace as well. JAC
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