I'm going through sort of a weird phase right now. I've become acutely aware of how "different" my illness makes me. Not that I've ever wanted to conform to anyone's ideal or image of what I should be. And not is the sense of alienation, either. I don't think that anyone is "looking down" at me, but that they see me as some sort of weird person with a mental condition. Maybe that's what I am, but I would rather not be judged and characterized in such a way. I second guess myself way too much and wonder, "Is this normal? Is this normal behavior?"
Paranoia. That's what it is. Plain and simple. But just because I know what it is and can name it does not make it go away or even get easier to deal with.
I kind of brushed it off at first when my psychiatrist (at the time) diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder about a year and a half ago. I had previously been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I figured they must not be all that different. She didn't make an effort to tell me what differences there might be, so I didn't think too much about it. But some of the stuff I've gone through in the last few months have led me to do some investigating.
Schizoaffective disorder contains elements of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I guess I sort of already knew that years ago when I considered that maybe I had schizophrenia after all (this was in 1987, I think). If I did think I had it I must not have been too convinced that it was important because I didn't think much about it at all until recently. If schizophrenic behaviour/traits develop slowly over a period of time then I may well be experiencing the advent of that condition developing.
I know I'll never be out from under this burden. If it sets me apart from everyone I know then that's something I just have to deal with. I don't know that it's within my power to change. I don't think it is, but that thought fills me with guilt. Not knowing if I could or not. And if I can, why don't I? Why haven't I? Is it that I've grown so used to this being "the way it is" that I don't consider the possibility of another way? Am I afraid to change?
Yes. That is it. I am afraid to change. No doubt a doctor would say that's a good thing, since the first change I would make (the first change I've made in the past) would be to stop taking medication. But after what I went through in '06 I will NEVER neglect medication again. The prospect of going through that again scares the shit out of me. I have to have faith that the drugs I take are working and that they'll keep me from having another breakdown.
In order to have that faith I have to acknowledge that the drugs are working. And in order to do that I have to admit that I NEED them. And with that admission comes the realization that I have a serious problem...or maybe I shouldn't call it a problem. I don't like to call it a "condition", though, and "disorder" doesn't seem right (even if that's what it actually is)... A curse, maybe?
Whatever it is, it's certainly not something I asked for. Why should I feel guilt for not being able to provide for my family like a "normal" person can? And I do. Should I consider myself to be doing something wrong by not actively seeking the company of friends, even though I very much believe that they would do me a world of good? I've lost the ability to relate to others. I'm very uncomfortable interacting with just about anyone other than my family, and sometimes it's hard to do even that. Is it taking a defeatist attitude to suggest that "I can't help it"? Those words ring hollow to me. I should be stronger.
Perhaps it would be good idea not to focus so much on what I "should" be, or what I "could" be, and spend more time trying to come to terms with what I AM.
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