"Camera I"

Quickly, now
Before I forget
Before the cold rain washes this soot from my body
I need to remember
It kills me to remember

Was it real?
True? Honest?
Real, even so
So real in so many ways
It's not your reality that stains me

I slid through a slime covered door
Wiggled in through the mirror
Unsure of what I would find there
I thought I could handle it
This cliff edge

I was in an unfamiliar room
Taking in all I could see
My eyes like camera lenses
Strategically placed on the floor
Bound to the spot like tethered dead weight

I could have stopped it
I could have
I could have stopped it
I could have
I could have stopped it from tainting my soul

I could not have stopped it
From happening
As it
Had
Already happened

And so it happened
Real for them
Real for me
Real to the world
On every level a fucked up reality

And it chipped away
It tore chunks from part of me
Demolished a part of me
That I didn't even know was still there
That I would have kept to my dying day

Powerless to stop
Only stare
Judged guilty
By an unwillingness
To turn away

To turn away
Not so hard to do
Close my eyes
Squeeze them shut
Tightly, tightly

Only to be consumed by
The sound, the noise
The muscle and skin-muffled bone
Absorbing the shock
Of a wooden floor

Like a fish out of water
Flipping and flopping
Held down by the bigger fish
Gasping for water
Teased, destroyed then released

Puncture my ear drums
I cannot stand these
Terror, helplessness, anger, loss
I cry for you
I cry with you

But I cannot cry for myself
Tears won't fall from these open eyes
I cannot squelch
The echoing memory of your brokenness
That resounds and repeats and courses through my heart

Through my very existence
Changed forever
By an impulse
To
See

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