Bob Larson goes Big Time...watch out, you pesky demons

It looks like zealous demon chaser BOB LARSON is poised for stardom. Apparently he's doing a "reality" show for the Sci-Fi channel (picked a good network for that one, if you catch my drift). Called "The REAL Exorcist", it begins airing in October (nice Halloween tie-in there). Though details at his website were pretty much non-existant, one can only hope that he'll be delivering his usual schtick: demonic eviction with a side order of "hare 'em scare 'em" evangelism.

I first became aware of Larson when I initially became a Christian at Falls Creek Baptist Assembly. They had a bookstore there and I picked up his treatise on how all rock music is a tool of Satan to steal the souls of impressionable young folks. With a simple title like "ROCK" I don't think I was prepared, when I bought it, for the all-out onslaught against what was, at the time, my favorite kind of music. Who knew that all these musicians had really sold their souls to ole slew foot for a chance to make a few bucks, screw a few groupies and take legions of fans into the fiery depths of hell in the bargain.

I may have bought into it for a while...a SHORT while, I assure you. I was only 16 years old...cut me some slack. I was consumed with a desire to please the Lord, and if that meant abandoning my Led Zeppelin albums and listening to nothing but cheezy contemporary Christian music, well that was a small price to pay for ensuring my place in the heavenly choir (not that contemporary Christian music is inherently cheezy, but it was in the late 70s, with a scant few notable exceptions).

Maybe I was just too "worldly", maybe my flesh had more control over me than my spirit, but it wasn't too long after absorbing Larson's bizarre vitriol that I tossed it where it belonged...right into the dumpster. A gift for the trash man or some homeless dude who might not yet have been enlightened to the real 'meaning" of the letters in KISS' name (...I bet there aren't too many out there who DON'T know that one...Knights In Satan's Service).

I caught up with his ministry several years later when I saw him doing his exorcism trick on TBN (cautiously placed in the 2:00 am time slot...I suspect this was done to avoid freaking out typical viewers who surely were in bed and sleeping by then). It was one of the most fascinating things I'd ever seen. I took it for what it was: total bullshit, but it was like going to a carnival and spending 30 minutes in the freak show. I would stay up on the nights it was aired, no matter how late, just to watch the weirdness. Those devil-possessed folks in the congregation were entertaining as hell...but you had to wonder why a demon would be stupid enough to show up in the congregation of a church! That's like John Hagee showing up at a shindig in the Playboy Mansion.

Since then Larson has changed very little. He still writes books, but as far as I know he's left off slandering the rockers in favor of warning the world about Lucifer's life-wrecking techniques.

The way I see it, the Devil's a loser. He wastes his time breaking down spiritual doors to invade the soul of some peanut farmer in Arkansas when he could be doing some serious damage through Oprah Winfrey or Simon Cowell or maybe even the president of the United States of America...what's that you say? He IS doing that? Ooops! Where's Bob Larson when you REALLY need him?

At any rate, these unfortunate church-going souls that the "REAL" exorcist is delivering from evil are small fry, don't you think? I mean, Osama Bin Laden is still at large...

To top it all off, in garish style, just look at the get-up this dude is sporting for the Sci-Fi network show. It's pathetic. I have never once seen him in a shawl and what the fuck is he planning to do with that cast iron cross he's wielding? Is this a new spin on his act, perhaps the work of the wardrobe department at Sci-Fi?

I'll be there. You know I will. Entertainment of this magnitude is seldom to be found on television these days.

But I'll tell you this...we're in the big time now. The victims on this show had better exhibit much more pronounced signs of possession than the ones that were on his show. No Screwtape induced epileptic seizures or hateful growling and name-callings. I won't be satisfied with your garden variety blaspheming. Pull out all the stops, Evil One...I wanna see pea soup vomit. I wanna see heads spinning. I wanna see that cross Larson is holding snatched away from him and used as a sex toy. I wanna hear Motley Crue in the background. If Satan can't conjure some decent special effects on this show he will lose lots of credibility with every death metal head banger who ever to pledged allegiance to his wickedness.

Mark it down...October, 2008. THE SPIRITUAL BATTLE BEGINS! In this corner, fresh from a successful seminar on Satanic Ritual Abuse, BOB LARSON! In the other corner...REALITY! The Devil's not in this one, folks. I don't think the Big Guy wants much to do with it, either.