Scattered "thoughts"

So you know what you’re doing here? Why do you make such a big deal out of the smallest things? And don’t you know that everything in this world is ”small”? Do you really think any of it is as important as your peace of mind? What’s the point of existence if every waking moment is spent locked in a struggle, trying to figure out which way is the right one, which path is the one that will take you where you want to go? You’ve examined so many and they all had strengths and weaknesses. Every one of them.

And you’re confused. I don’t blame you. Those “voices” in your head that try to persuade you this way, that way, the other way…sometimes they are just too loud too handle. You’ve looked hard into “religion” to satisfy them, to offer something with which they can pacify themselves. They are always unimpressed with their new toy.”

But as a child tires of his toys soon after receiving them, so the “voices” easily grow weary of the ones you’ve provided. Before too long they are up to their old tricks again. Jeering or running around hopelessly depressed because they can’t stand the idea of peace. Peace is a monster slayer, but in this world, or at least in my mind, the monsters have an incredivle capacity for redurtrection. Just when I start to think that the Monster Slayer is invincible, that’s when the thoughts chase him off. Not like a frightened man, more like a disgusted man…a man who says “follow me” then walks off while I once again bind myself to the thoughts.

Why would I do that? Why would I let the “voices” take control again? I know them all too well, and I know that every one of them want nothing more than to drag me down. Is it because I am afraid to go to the place where peace would lead me? Is it because the thoughts/voices have me in their sway and they don’t want me to go there? Why am I so powerless to help myself?

All my life I’ve grown up under the impression that these “voices” were ME. That these thoughts mere MINE. As such, I must be the problem. That’s only logical, isn’t it? But if they ARE me, then how can I notice them? How can they drive ME crazy if they ARE me? How could I notice them if they ARE me? Do you get my drift? My thoughts CANNOT be ME. If they were “me” I wouldn’t notice them, I wouldn’t have to try and rein them in.

A lot of my thoughts…I refer to them as such because use the term “voices” has an unpleasant connotation that implies schizophrenia (and God knows I want nothing to do with that, I’ve got enough on my plate with my bipolar disorder)…a lot of them are hateful bastards. Some are cruel. Some taunt me. Some tell me I’m worthless, that everything I try to do is doomed to failure. Others say that I simply don’t do enough. Every once in awhile a demon thought rises to the surface and shows me something that appalls me. A vision of things so horrible that they make me cringe and pray will that they’ll never happen. I have to repeat a mantra of “it’s not me, that couldn’t have come from my mind or my imagination.”

So what’s the deal? IS it ME? Why does the thought appall ME? It’s my thought, isn’t it?

No. It’s not. No, they’re not. My biggest problem is that I don’t have the power to control the thoughts, to put them in their place.

Perhaps I should clarify…the thoughts I am speaking of, for the most part, have to do with my self-esteem, m y self-worth, my ability to cope with everything and everyone,…for example (and I’ll revert back to the “voices” metaphor)…some “voices” tell me I really need to work on my self-esteem, my confidence, my self-worth. I agree with these “voices” to an extent. But other “voices” insist that the whole problem is that I am too concerned with “self”. I very much agree with that viewpoint, too. So which is it?

Guilt, condemnation, scorn…the “voices” delight in casting these stones at me. And now I’m beginning to think that THIS, this combat between me and my thoughts, is the spiritual war that is spoken of in the bible. That it is being waged in my mind. I know about the “full armor of God”, and I believe I’ve taken it up. But as for me,…I have always been a weak soldier. I believe with all my heart (at least to the extent that I KNOW I am able to believe) that Jesus Christ is exactly what the new Testament says He is, insomuch that he lived, died on the cross for the forgiveness of sins and was resurrected three days later. I believe that. So, I guess I agree with the cliché, “the battle rages but the war is already won”. Indeed the battle does rage. I suppose that “thought” is the enemy. All of them. Even the benevolent ones. Because the prize is PEACE. A place uncluttered with thought. Eternal life outside of time and space.

I have this vision of a King running swiftly to the battlefield looking for me as I lay, direly wounded, in the rubble of my life. Beaten and broken by thoughts and “voices”. He lifts me up and throws me over His shoulders. Then he drags me down that path that leads to peace. The one that, all my life, I was too frightened to take. I’m still terrified. “Trust Me!” He screams, loud enough to be heard over the noise of the battlefield. I realize at that moment that I’m not frightened at all. Not the ME that has dealt with these thoughts for 46 years. With every step that He takes I find myself trusting him more, as one by one the thoughts flee my mind, returning to the battlefield I’ve been dragged out of. Or, who knows, maybe there was a herd of swine nearby.

I see clearly now how thoughts tie us down to the flesh. Yet, it’s obvious that man cannot live in this time/space continuum without “thinking” (luckily for most people, they have a tighter rein on their thoughts than I do and would never even conceive of referring to them as “voices”…ha). The flesh is corrupted. Sin is not an action, it is a condition. It is, uniquely, the human condition. It is our home. It is the common denominator. It is the playground of our thoughts. We love it because we love ourselves. Despicable as it is. It’s everything we are. The only good thing in us is the Spirit of Christ.

Who knows? Maybe the only way a person can experience the Spirit is to clear the mind of all thought. Almost like the Hindus, when they chant mantra. You’d have to clear your mind of mantra, as well, because we know that Mantra is not God. Then, just when you think you’ve found that state of total peace and rest, the first thing you do is think, “Awww, wow! This is it! This is the Spirit of God!” But, as soon as you realize that, you’ve added your own thought to the stew and BOOM, you’re thrown right back into the flesh again.

It occurs to me that some would say they know the Spirit is in them because they “experience Him” every time they worship or pray or whatever it is they do. But I would ask how can anyone experience the Spirit in this way as long as their own thoughts are involved? “…The carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be” Romans 8:7.

I’ve rambled on enough. I didn’t set out to write this stuff, and I can’t say that I really know where it came from. But it’s there now, maybe I can look back on it someday with a bit more insight and know which parts were the words of the “voices” and which were from ME.

Until then I guess I’ll get back to the fight…for all the good it will do ME.