deja vu sends me back into retirement

The "big show" was last night. The "coming out of retirement" performance. I'd like to say it was a smashing success, but it only reminded me of why I "retired" in the first place.

Okay, I'll get the usual excuses out of the way right now. The place was not the kind of venue that is suited for the kind of stuff I do. I know, that was the one I used for my last debacle at VZD's. It was most definitely a legitimate reason then, and so it was a valid one last night. This Speakeasy club is a very popular place amongst people who are looking to socialize. There is definitely a lot of socializing going on. There is so much of it that the act on stage might as well be playing to a room full of mannequins. Of course, I had a few friends scattered amongst the lot, so it's not like I had no support whatsoever. But I sure didn't win any new "fans" last night.

Perhaps it was a good thing, for me, that the club's owners were out of town for the night. I doubt I would be asked back again. That would be okay with me, though, as I do not want a repeat of the evening.

It's like this. If I'm in a band and I'm playing the bass, I have all the confidence in the world. I can knock 'em out every time that way. But when I try to do it with just the guitar and my songs I simply don't have that same self-assurance. I feel too alone and vulnerable up there. A song ends---silence. Even with supporters seeded in the audience. I don't know what that means to any other musician/songwriter. For me it just ratchets up the "uncomfortable vibe" and reinforces the nagging possibility that maybe, just maybe I'm not as good at this as I would like to think I am.

It didn't help that my guitar was running through a small practice amp and not straight into the house PA's board (though I did appreciate the loner from J.D.). The amp was situated directly behind me at head level. Maybe that wouldn't have been so bad if I could have worked out a decent EQ. I could not. So I had to make do with it blaring straight at the back of my skull.

I knew the sound wasn't going to be very good. I couldn't quite adjust to it, and so my singing left a lot to be desired on certain songs. The crowds lack of attention and enthusiasm (which I previously mentioned) didn't help matters. For a couple of songs I decided, "What the hell, I'm gonna make sure a FEW people are gonna hear me"... I remembered that all the groups I've seen who play there have a "like it or leave it" attitude. So I tried to channel that spirit a couple of times, and to be honest, I think those were the the highlights of the evening. I should have taken that position from the very start. Still, it probably wouldn't have worked on all of my material.

Speaking of my material...I don't think my selection was well-suited to the place. I take some comfort in knowing that it wasn't necessarily the "material" as it was in the format of a "Barnes & Noble open-mic night singer/songwriter gig" that I'm doing. Once again, that was the deal at the humbling VZD's show that knocked me for a loop those two years ago. It only qualifies as a stock excuse.

I regretted the decision to make the show a "novelty" affair, leaning heavily on the wacky stuff that goes over so well in smaller gatherings. I'd done that because I really thought that a lot of my posse would be there. Alas, very few actually showed up. And there was at least one who DID show and left before I even started playing. Ugh! I doubt that it would have mattered, because practically no one was paying attention.

That said, obviously I'm very grateful to the ones who did make it and offered encouraging remarks afterwards.

I didn't have a set order for the songs. I'd hoped for a chance to "read" the audience and tailor the songs to their fancy. Bad decision. I wasted a lot of time trying to decide what I would do next...I know I looked like a rank amateur doing that. My plan backfired on me. I also wound up mixing the song styles in a less-than-successful manner. And there were a couple I just said "fuck it" to. I first looked at my watch about thirty minutes into it and I was already thinking about stepping down. I would have, but I decided to play a couple more songs if only for myself. I wouldn't have cared if the people at the club expected 45 minutes or an hour from me. It's not as if I was being paid.

I decided to kill it with a rendition of the Stones' "Sister Morphine". I don't know, maybe I just had the capo on the wrong fret, but I swear to God it was the wrong key for me. I improvised a melody line that I was fairly comfortable with, but I knew it was bombing. The scant few in attendance who may have known the song probably couldn't recognize it from my poor rendition. I forgot a verse. It was a sad ending to a bad show. I would like to humbly apologize to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards for butchering their song like I did.


I rode up there with Jeff and my brother, and I don't mind saying that I was ready to leave that joint a long time before they were. Paid six dollars for a pint of Guinness, which I don't doubt is the going rate, especially at nice places like the Speakeasy. But I am no bar-hopper. I'm not accustomed to paying that much when I can walk down to the liquor store and buy a six pack for only a couple of dollars more. It was good, but it kinda wiped me out. I didn't bring that kind of cash with me and I wasn't going to break out the Visa card. I took 25 bucks out of the bank before I left town earlier, and I had 2 in my wallet. The transactional analysis for last night broke down like this:

$4.00- Monster (BFC size)
$6.00-Brisket dinner from Van's Pig Stand (which was well worth the money)
$4.00-20 oz. Dr. Pepper and 2 packages of Sour Skittles (yummy)
$6.00-Pint of Guiness @ club
$2.00-Large Dr. Pepper from the fountain of a Circle K and a bag of Snyder's Honey Mustard flavored pretzel pieces.

Which, I now realize, as I crunch the numbers, adds up to only $22.00...Somewhere along the lines I lost a 5 dollar bill. Man, that sucks. I hope I didn't accidentally give that bartender a TEN and a ONE instead of a FIVE. There is the possibility that I gave the extra money to Jeff, paying for the brisket that he was responsible for procuring. I think he would have noticed it, though. and said something. I can think of a few scenarios that would explain where that fiver got off to, but it all comes down to the hard fact that it, like "Deliah", is gone.

It was paar for the course last night, though. I was SO happy when I got home. A nice, hot shower and I was revived. Maybe too much so. I didn't feel like going to sleep, so I listened to a couple of CDs. I'd been meaning to play some Jefferson Airplane, who have, in the past, come mighty close to being a "critical blind spot" for me. I chose "After Bathing at Baxters" over the "Jefferson Airplane Loves You" box set that I've got. It was actually a lot better than I remembered it being. The harmonies are all over the place and they're tight. But I'll tell you this... Grace Slick wails like a banshee. Talk about histrionics. Her lyrics are a certain shade of surreal as well. You can sure tell that she was tripping on some illegal narcotic or another when she wrote those. It is a testament to how good the rest of the package is that, despite Grace's caterwauling, it's still a very good record.

Then I got in the mood to hear some Moody Blues (and that is one mood I rarely find myself in, I don't mind telling you). I'd heard "Send Me No Wine" on the XM Deep Tracks a couple of days ago and it was stuck in my head. Not that it's such a great song, but it did make me want to hear some more. I wish I had known which album that song is from. I don't. So I selected "To Our Children's Children's Children" (I think that's the name...something very much like it). It was not as enjoyable as I thought it might be, but it wasn't too bad.

And finally, as I type this post, I am running on a mere 3 hours of shut-eye. Not good for me. I don't think I could go back to sleep if I tried, though. Maybe. I do feel miserable. My head hurts and my brain's full of what I call "lack-of-sleep wool". My belly is upset from the honey mustard pretzel pieces and the French onion dip I ate before I turned in. What the hell was I thinking?