"Rush Hour 3"

If asked, I would gladly write a review of "Rush Hour 3". I might even write one even if I wasn't asked (which would be the more likely scenario).

But I won't. I fell asleep about halfway into this third installment of the wildly popular Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker vehicle. I closed my eyes for a moment and the next thing I knew the end credits were rolling. The blooper reel was just beginning, so I roused myself sufficiently enough to enjoy it (gotta love blooper reels).

But the movie was, IMO, a dull affair. The first couple of "Rush Hour"s had their charms. The second was particularly good, so I had reason to hope that the 3rd would be atypical of the downward trend in quality normally inherent in sequels. But this one (at least the first half of it) just didn't have what it takes...to keep me awake, that is.

Maybe I was just tired. That could have been it. There's always the chance that it was a slow starter, and perhaps I should give it the benefit of the doubt. But I don't like self-referential jokes and I don't much care for Chris Tucker. He plays this character in what can only be described as an outdated stereotypical model of "the hip Afro-American cop". He's a 21st century model of "little black Sambo". No doubt he's playing it up for the yucks...it's not as if Don Cheadle would be appropriate for the role. I have to wonder, though, if that schtick is worth overhauling for 3 movies...

I don't think I'll watch it again, maybe pump myself up with a few cans of Monster and try once more. I should have just passed it by for another "non-sequel" movie...

...but right now there are just too few new release DVDs that look to be worth investing a couple of hours into.

New songs.

A couple of new songs are up on my MySpace music page. These are pieces I put together on the Acid 7.0. I think they turned out pretty well. I don't know when I'll have other stuff up there, but this link ought to be good enough to last a couple of months for the stuff that's on there now.

Enjoy...
click HERE for new tunes

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed, always. Haven't you heard of the CLOSET MONSTER?

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
No. I paid good money for that motel room. I'm not leaving with anything less that the TV.

3. Have you ever stolen a street sign?
One night., wanting to adorn all of my walls with those trendy decorative street signs, I stole all if the STOP signs on what turned out to be a busy intersection in Nichols Hills. I will burn in hell for my deed and it's consequences.

4. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room before?
No, I have never made my own bed in a motel room before.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Only when I run out of toilet paper.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
No, I cut out photographs from the obituaries, put 'em in my wallet and then I go around town lying, fishing for sympathy.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
It doesn't matter...a big teddy bear or a swarm of spelling bees, it's all the same to me.

8. What was the last thing you shaved?
My tongue.

9. Last movie you saw in theaters?
The last movie I saw actually did play "in theaters" before being released on DVD. I didn't, however, see it in a theater, but from the relative comfort of my broken down sofa. It was "Bug" and I thank God I didn't pay the "theater price" to see this worthless piece of crap. Truly, it was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who point and laugh at me, telling their kids that, if they ever grow up to be like me, they'll never amount to anything.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Sheets?

12. Do you count your steps when you walk?
Only until I reach 1,000,000, then I ask myself why I'm counting my steps and come to the conclusion that I'm a obsessive-compulsive.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Does the fireplace count?

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
You betcha. I do, however, look like a fool when doing it.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
No, but I do like to munch on Magic Markers. The smell will get you high, you know.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
72. I've been busy.

17. How many pairs of tennis/athletic shoes do you own?
2 and a half.

18. What is your "Song of the week"?
anything by Porter Wagoner.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
I hope so. I'll have to give my wife's panties back to her if it's not..

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
Hell no. I learned long ago that animals can't talk. How gullible do you think I am?

21. What’s your least favorite movie?
There's no way I could dig deep enough into the cesspool of crappy movies I've seen to drag out the one that might be my "least favorite movie".

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
In Barnes and Nobles' bank account.

23. What do you drink with dinner?
Bacon drippings.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
A hungry dog's mouth.

25. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
The edible kind. Preferably tasty as well.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Seriously, I rarely watch a movie more than once, maybe twice. There are exceptions. One of them being "Scooby Doo on Monster Hill"

27. Who do you miss right now?
The guy I once saw in a mirror aboiut 13 years ago.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I was a boy scout until I lost my Bear pin, then I said "fuck it".

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Again, you mean?

30. When is the last time you wrote to someone in a letter?
I write letters all the time. I never send them, thougn.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yeah. I turn it into wine. But the car doesn't run on the stuff, so it's a miracle I rarely perform.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Yes, and I used it to get into the Policeman's Ball. There's no admittance without a ticket, you know.

33. Ran out of gas?
No...flatulence has always been a problem.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?:
Lard.

35. Best thing for breakfast?
I can't even remember the last time I ate breakfast.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
My ritual...in bed by 10:00, lights out and headphones pumping music into my head at abouit 11:00, passing out somewhere between 11:30-12:00. Wild life, baby.

37. Are you lazy?
Me New Year's resolution was to be more of a slob and spend each day in a haze of laziness. So far, so good.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween?
I don't remember...I'm sure it was something that didn't require an expensive costume.

39. Can you eat with chopsticks?
As long as the food is something I can stab.

40. How many languages can you speak?
Does Pig Latin count? It does? Olay...one.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
At last, a question I don't mind answering without all the smart-ass hoop-de-dooo. The only magazine subscription I have right now is to ARTnews. I couldn't afford to renew my subscription to Esquire, so that one's stopped coming, even though I liked getting it. I may re-new it when things turn around, at which point I will probably subscribe to several more, including ArtForum, Art In America, Paste, Mojo (although I'm not sure about that one...it's a great magazine but boy, O boy is it high dollar), maybe one of the science fiction pulps (Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine, Analog or The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction...probably that last one if it's still in publication)...we'll just have to see when the time comes...I don't want to go overboard, but I do like magazines a lot.

42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
Lincoln Logs burn a lot easier, and give off a pleasing woody odor, while the legos really smell bad as they melt.

43. Are you stubborn?
I have been told that I am as stubborn as a mule. I'm not exactly sure what that means.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
In what way? In bed? On the gold course? In a medieval jousting bout? In a spelling bee? The question is too vague for me to hazzard an answer.

45. Ever watch soap operas?
I have enough trouble keeping up with all the intricacies of my own life...why would I want to keep up with the story lines of soap operas?

46. Afraid of heights?
Only the ones that are over 10 feet.

47. Sing in the car?
Not anymore. My stereo's busted. Now I just talk to myself and scream insults at other motorists.

48. Dance in the shower?
I don't know if you'd call it a "dance"...

49. Dance in the car?
Ha ha..

50. Ever used a gun?
Yes. They are the best way to kill another human being.

51. What's the last thing you cooked?
I suppose microwaving counts? I cooked one of those delicious Hungry Man pork barbeque TV dinners. It was much better than I thought it would be. I made the decision that I would buy many more of them in the future.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
They are. Extremely cheesy. But I don't resent them for it anymore, and who knows but that I'll acquire a taste for them soon.

53. Is Christmas stressful?
Not for me. I stay home alone. Stress free, that's how I like it.

54. Ever eat a pierogie?
I may have. Tell me what a pierogie is and I'll let you know.

5. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Pies are for losers.
Just kidding.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Mick Jagger.

7. Do you believe in ghosts?
No. Anyone who would want to come back here after they die is a fool.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
Once every 6 months. It doesn't seem to be doing any good.

60. Wear slippers?
On my ears.

61. Wear a bath robe?
In the shower.

62. What do you wear to bed?
Armani suit.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

63. First concert?
Do I have to tell? I do? Oh, Lord am I emberassed. It was the little River Band with Jay Ferguson opening. I am so ashamed. Really.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
Dollar General.

65. Nike or Adidas?
Cheap-ass Wal-Mart brand.

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
A healthy, satisfying mix of the two.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Sunflower seeds are the more interactive nut. I gotta go with them.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
Should I have?

69. Ever take dance lessons?
I had a babysitter once, when I was very young, who taught me how to do the Horizontal Bop. It was the only dance lesson I've ever needed or wanted.

70. Is there a profession you picture your spouse doing?
Gang Boss.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
No, but I bet I could curl YOURS. !

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
It's old news...I would have won but I felt sorry for the other guy and tossed it to him. No lie..

73. Where do you work?
Cyberspace Massage Parlor.

74. Own any record albums?
I have a Daniel Amos promotional disc and a copy of the Beatles' "Hey Jude" on vinyl. Down to 2 from at least 1,000 I had before the advent of CD technology..

75. Own a record player?
If I owned a record player I would most likely have more than 2 records. Probably. Maybe not.

76. Regularly burn incense?
Only when there is the chance that it will rub upo against flammable drapes or curtains and set the house on fire. It's even better when it's somebody else's house.

77. What color do you wear the most?
Caucasion.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
I only want to see Sigur Ros. Maybe Mark Kozelek if he came through town, but I would drive across a few state lines to see Sigur Ros again.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
Sigur Ros.

80.Hot tea or cold tea?
Tea is for losers.
Just kidding.

81.Tea or coffee?
A gallon jug of coffee will do the trick every time.

82.Favorite kind of cookie?
The kind that makes me forget I'm afraid of heights.

83.Can you swim well?
For short periods of time.

84.Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
Huh?

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

85. Are you patient?
No...I haven't been in the hospital in a long time.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ. That way you only have to beat up one guy when he insists on being paid.

87.Ever won a contest?
Yes. MySpace held a contest to see who was the oldest bozo to fill out so many of these questionairres in the span of a year. I won the grand prize: free membership to the MySpace website.

88. ever have plastic surgery?
Plastic forks and knives.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
It depends on what you eat them on. Black olives are best on pizza. Green olives are better on ice cream.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
No, I have more enjoyable, productive methods of killing time.
...Okay, maybe not "productive".
I could use a new sweater.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
The coldest one..

92. Do you want to get married?
Yes...I'm thinking of hooking up with the Mormons so I can get-r-done.

93. If married, how long have you been married?
Long enough to have forgotten what it was like to be single.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

94. Who was your HS crush?
I better not say. The wife may be reading this and the mention of her name, quite rightfully, causes her to become sullen and violent.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
Sort of. I cry and throw a fit, but I still don't get my way. Then I cry and throw a fit some more. I like the fit throwing better than the crying. But I imagine the crying is more therapeutic.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
All the time.

96. Do you have kids?
Yes. I have raised goats since the early '80s and at this point I have about 30 kids.

97. Do you want kids?
No. 30 is enough.

98. What're your favorite colors?
Yes.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? (see #27)

100. Who do you wanna see right now?
Frodo.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
No.

more or less a diary entry

After llunch today I got a hankering for some ice cream, so I went to Sonic with the intention of maybe getting a cookies and cream blast or something like that. Instead I decided to try one of their “Java Chillers”. I got the hazelnut one. If you don’t already know, let me tell you….those things are DELICIOUS!!! If I’d known they were that good I would be drinking them regularly by now.

In other important news my musical mood the last several days has been for modern jazz. Just about any jazz, actually, except for that bland “smooth jazz” (the stuff they play on XM 71, Watercolors. It’s not that I always avoid such fluff…there are times when it’s just what I’m after, but those are rare occasions and haven’t come around in a long while.

I make it a point to check the receiver for song title and artist for most of what I listen to, but I don’t remember too many of them, as there is just too muchy to keep up with. I’ve come to appreciate John Scofield and Brad Mehldau from listening to XM 72, Beyond Jazz. XM 70, Real Jazz, has exposed me to so many styles of the music that I have a better idea of what I like and what doesn’t really do it for me. For instance, I don’t really like latin flavored jazz and I’m not particularly fond of the real old-timey New Orleans & Dixieland stuff. I prefer what I’d consider the “Blue Note: style---small combos with lots of improvisation.

When I haven’t been playing jazz lately I’ve listened to classical on the XM Classics channel. Sometimes they get a bit too obscure for me but it’s usually all good.

Plus a couple of hours of death metal today…seriously. There’s nothing quite like the transitional culture shock that you get when a Mozart string quartet is followed immediately by Cannibal Corpse.

Obviously I’ve utilized my XM to a great extent, as I am prone to do. It’s not just because I want to get my money’s worth ort of the $13 they take out of my account every month. I just live the variety. The down side is that I find myself channel hopping much in the same wy that I would with a television. It’s really a better experience when you stay on one particulat channel for awhile, but the temptation is strong to find out what’s playing on the others, and that’s when the surfing begins.

I DID, however, lkisten to a couple of CDs this week.

I’ve had a very thorough Pearl Jam collection for some time now, thanks to my brother. But for some inexplicable reason I have just never really been able to “get into their music”. I’ve enjoyed a stray PJ song now and then, but I can’t help but think that they’re a lot better than I give them credit for being. So I busted out “Binaural”, as it was one that I’d given short shrift to when it first came out. It had to be better than I initially thought it was.

And it was. It didn’t blow me away…it wasn’t some grand revelation of how I’d been ignoring such a marvelous band. I didn’t find myself asking, “What have I been waiting for?” But it was good. It did make me want to listen to more and re-evaluate my opinion of their music. Which I shall do, just as soon as I get out of this jazz mood.

Also, I listened to the Rolling Stones live album, “Get Yer Ya-Yas Out”. I’m pretty sure this one was recorded in 1970…I know it was right after “Let It Bleed” and before “Sticky Fingers”.

It is one sloppy mofo of a record. Truth be told, I have never believed the Stones were capable of much as a live band. At least, if they are, you’d think the would release the better stuff on their live albums. Yet, in my opinion, each and every one of them have been at best mediocre (this one) and at worst just downright unlistenable (“Still Life”).

They butcher the two Chuck Berry songs they cover here (“Carol”, “Little Queenie”). Both of them are churned out at such a lumbering tempo that they lose every ounce of energy they might have had, with Mick slurring and wailing the words on top of the whole mess. “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” sounds like a halfway decent garage band. “Stray Cat Blues” is re-arranged to the point of being practically unrecognizable…not as if that’s a bad thing in every case, but it is in this one. “Love in Vain” actually turns out pretty good, marred only by Jagger’s wailing towards the end. The only real “keeper” on this record is “Midnight Rambler”. It has so much more energy than the original “Let It Bleed” version. Jagger’s attitude seems to fit the song better in this rough live version, as opposed to the hushed tones of the earlier one. It could just be that I subconsciously cut it slack since it was the version on the “Hot Rocks” album, which was my introduction to the group. But I don’t think that’s the case.

Anyhoo, the Windows Media Player is stocked with more Autechre than you can shake a stick at (all of it, actually) plus scads of other weirdness (Diamanda Galas, Bongwater, Porter Wagoner…ha) as well as everything I know of by Sigur Ros. This is what I listen to when I work at the computer, which is to say that it’s aboiut the only thing non-jazz music I’ve exposed myself to in over a week.

"The Miller Effect"

As the insult became obvious, I walked back to the main city. My stomach was making gurgling noises. Every sound I heard that night became music. Even the ringing in my ears seemed to have a melody. It all seemed appropriate – at least, it seemed better than the silence that usually infested my brain.

“Hell, anyone can write science-fiction,” she said on first perusing my spiral notebook.

“But you don’t understand,” I replied. “This ISN’T science-fiction. It’s autobiographical poetry.”

She gave me a most bizarre look, which I accepted gratefully, knowing full well that I was probably the most “normal” person she’d slept with all night.

“Poetry.” Se said, as if she’d just discovered a speck of shit lodged between her teeth.

Sensing, in her countenance, an unreasonable hatred of all things poetic, I quickly tried to change the subject.

“Did you read that copy of ‘Tropic of Cancer’ that I gave you this morning?”

“Oh, my God! I did! First I was outraged. Then I thought I was gonna puke. And THEN I had one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had in my life!”

I didn’t quite understand how the book had moved her to that third stage, but I kept my laughter to myself and tried to maintain a dignified composure.

I made a valiant attempt: “Don’t you see any similarity between my work and Henry Miller’s best?”

She was snide.

Travels 29March96

Leaving the sprawling, electric wonder world of Yale, Oklahoma on the second sojourn to Stroud in as many days. Turning our backs on the nameless, faceless multitudes who have called Yale “home” for more years than some can remember.

Heading south on Norfolk road we pass what I’m told is the LEGENDARY McKinney butchering plant, ie. SLAUGHTERHOUSE. The last stop on many a bovine trek. Yesterday, returning home on this same road, we saw a rack of freshly killed and skinned cattle hanging limply, upside down, right outside McKinney’s front entrance. Thankfully we hadn’t partaken of much beef that afternoon, so our consciences weren’t TOO badly shaken.

I didn’t realize when I began this travelogue what a bumpy motherfucker of a road this is.

A Wal-Mart film developing van speeds by our side, most likely loaded down with photographs and memories already developed. Or they could be on their way to the dark room.

The sky is an overcast grey. The kind of clouds that dare you to say “It’s gonna rain.” These clouds would be just as content to make a liar out of you as they would to bless us with some water.

Slow elderly lady in red Oldsmobile doesn’t appear to have even noticed the line of cars passing her by. Her eyes are locked on the road in front of her, afraid to even glance in her rear or side-view mirrors.

Road Kill Alert: 1 large skunk, minimal bleeding. It must have been killed several hours ago, as there is no noticeable stench.

Two out of three cows to the left could care less about the traffic. They’re hungry and the grass is just beginning to turn green from a sun that hasn’t shown itself much this year.

The wife doesn’t seem to enjoy the jazz I’ve got playing on the stereo. “Find something without a trumpet,” she suggests. I inform her that the solo she’s hearing is on a saxophone. People who don’t know the difference between trumpets and saxophones must surely have no capacity to appreciate jazz music. Not that it’s any big deal.

The baby in the back has been crying practically non-stop since we left the house, and we’re within a mile of our destination. He doesn’t like to be restricted in his car seat. I guess he’s pretty pissed off, and if you hand him a toy, in an attempt to comfort him, he will only throw it back at you.

Now we’re here. Stroud’s Tanger Outlet Mall, home of the Book Warehouse. That’s where I’ll, be if I’m needed. Just have ‘em page me.

JOHNNY BRAVO'S Sunshine and Happiness Review

JOHNNY BRAVO, 1994...left to right: J Casey, M. Hardwick, R. Hayes, M. Christian
I have been asked by a close personal friend (and former Johnny Bravo vocalist) Mike “Redd” Christian to present this amusing bit of nostalgia, a relic from days when times were higher and burdens were lighter, when friends congregated to make magic memories, most of which have been forgotten (through no fault of our own). So now, without further ado, here is…

JOHNNY BRAVO’S Sunshine and Happiness review
Vol. 1, No. 1 March 1994

Hello everyone!
The manuscript you’re reading is the first issue of “JOHNNY BRAVO’S Sunsshine (sp) and Happiness review”. It is, more or less, the ”official” Johnny Bravo newsletter, which will be sent to those on our mailing list and/or made available to anyone interested in our band, JOHNNY BRAVO.
Through this humble, badly typed medium we will be keeping our friends informed and up-to-date concerning shows, future projects, things we’re working on now, and any other relevant information…trivial or otherwise.

A lot has happened since the four of us first got together late last November. We’ve played 4 shows at Shawnee’s Owl Shoppe, as well as performances at Tulio’s and the Liquid Lounge, both is Norman. We want to thank Bobby Sneed for giving us the oppurtunity (sp) to do the Tulio’s show. Also, a great big hug and kiss to Ty Kamm, Barry Zimmerman and the guys of KLIPSPRINGER for the Liquid Lounge date. Fast, but hardly least, thanks to THE BREADBOX’s Steve Petree for the Owl Shoppe dated.

Our guitarist, Mike Hardwick, has been busy recording and mixing material for THE BREADBOX, who have been hard at work themselves, writing and performing, among other places, at the Satellite Twin Theater (formerly “Rome”) in Norman. Their new material sounds fresh!

JOHNNY BRAVO is currently searching far and wide for a new place to rehearse. If anyone out there has any suggestions or knows of a cheap (or free!!) place where we could practice, we would be forever in your debt. The ideal place would be fairly large and in an area where loud music would not invite the wrath of landlords or policemen.

The only show we have scheduled, as of this writing, is Tuesday, March 22 at the Owl Shoppe, 6 E. Main, in Shawnee OK. Realizing that Tuesday is not typically a night when people usually get out to see a band, there IS a reason we’re playing this show. We hope that ALL of our friends will come out and support us that night. The encouragement of a large audience would be so helpful, so invite your friends and anyone who may not have heard JOHNNY BRAVO yet.

The band’s song list has been set for some time now, and these are the songs we’ve been doing (in no particular order):
1) the sleeping rose 2) kick you around 3) days without a cure 4) sunshine 5) scripts ripped 6) losing my mind 7) why you? 8) complicated 9) nothing 10) Mozart (was his hero)
We’ve been busy writing songs lately, and have come up with 4 new originals. Two of them haven’t been given titles yet. “Maternal Instinct” is probably the heaviest thing we’ve done (musically that is), and the acoustic “become” is the lightest. We should be debuting at least a couple of these songs at the March 22nd show, so there’s another good reason to come out that night. We’re very happy with these new songs and we think you’ll be surprised.

Since this newsletter is to be included with our promotional package, let us take this oppurtunity (sp) to say “howdy to the club owners, promoters, managers, and other :music industry insiders”. We hope to be seeing a lot of you in the near future.

If you have any questions, want to be put on our r mailing list, of (sp) would like a current update on JOHNNY BRAVO’s itinerary , please feel free to call James Arthur Casey at (***) ***-****/ Or, if you prefer, you can write to us at JOHNNY BRAVO, c/o J.A. Casey, *** Ken Del Drive, #41, Shawnee Oklahoma, 74801.

Thanks, thanks, a million thanks to everyone who has come out to see us. Your support has helped us in more ways than you can know. Sorry about the miserable typing!
Until next time…

JOHNNY BRAVO


Note…Unfortunately, despite the best of intentions, there was no next time. I am inclined, however, to think that the world would have been a better place had JOHNNY BRAVO continued.)

12 Step Apocalypse

1.)
It’s a little known fact but the streets of London are absolutely clogged with shadows. These aren’t typical shadows. These shadows have voices. And holes where their eyes should be.

2)
About miles into our trip to Heaven I asked my partner, Teddy, what his favorite song was.

“:Why, that would be ‘She Believes in Me’ by Kenny Rogers….of course,” he said. “Isn’t that EVERYONE’S favorite song?”

3)
One more mile to heaven.

“Do you believe in magic?” It was his turn to ask a stupid question.

“Man, that is a stupid question,” I said. “What kind of magic? White magic? Black magic? Stage magic? Be more specific.”

“You know…MAGIC. The stuff in a young girl’s eye. The kind that makes a man believe in love.

“Oh, I see now.” I finally grasped his mediocre point. “If you‘re referring to that SPECIAL magic betwixt two young lovers on a shopping spree, I’d have to say, I don’t know. I never really thought about it, to be honest. Pass that bottle over here.”

4)
Upon consumption of several lager brews Teddy begins to make more sense than he usually does. I think it’s because, when he’s drunk., he forgets all of that astrological mumbo-jumbo he’s come to accept as gospel truth. His semi-occultic religion loses all importance to him when he’s intoxicated, and he frequently forgets he’s a Virgo and insists he’s a Leo.

Leo the Lion. A cruel, inhumane feline motherfucker. Oh, I could count all the times I’d like to take a hard rock and crush the mighty Kin’s skull into a bloody pulp. Silly lion, believes no one loves him, so he takes Jungle Law into his own paws and creates wildlife mayhem of mammoth proportions. All of this, of course, symbolic of the Astrological mumbo-jumbo Teddy’s grown to believe is the God’s honest truth.

5)
Heaven was just across the horizon, and lemme tell ya, the line at the gate was one long son-of-a-bitch. Me and Teddy figured we had plenty of time to kill, so we took a seat behind a sad looking, effeminate young man who kept belching and complaining:

“Damn it! Every time I belch I taste that bitter-acidic shit that comes back from my stomach! Not just every once in a while…EVERY TIME! I think I’d rather die than have to taste that stuff again!”

Teddy whispered in my ear, “That, my friend, is one unreasonable chap.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “:But the fact is, he’s an innocent man.”

“Oh, yes. Without a doubt about that,” said Ted. “If there WERE any doubt about that, well, I think I would gladly give up my place AND yours in this line to a priest who deserved it more.”

Bigmouth strikes again.

Wouldn’t you know it? Father Joel, of the Stocksdale parish, walks up to us and says, “No one is innocent. Nay, not a one.”

“Well I’ll be a son-of-a-bitch,” said Teddy, as we both dropped through a trap door beneath us and fell, spiraling uncontrollably, down to the fiery pits of hell.

“You and your big mouth!” I got that much out just before the plunge, when I realized that I was destined to be a 21st century Dante,

6)
When we hit the ground, the hard unyielding tarmac of Hades, we walked around for a while and checked out some of the oddities.

In one area there legions of Peter, Paul & Mary impersonators, all of them singing “Blowing in the Wind”. One of the Mary Travers look-alikes said, “Is there anything you condemned folks would like to hear?”

Teddy, in his unmistakable imbecilic fashion, said, “’Puff the Magic Dragon'”.

At the mere utterance of those four dreadful words the whole joint started jumping and all the folk singers fell into the soup, screaming and praying to Bob Dylan for forgiveness.

7)
Bon Scott, late of Australian supergroup AC/DC, once said “Hell Ain’t a Bad Place to Be.” But I swear to God he wasn’t there that day when the giant holographic image of Bob Dylan appeared in the flaming red sky to judge all the people who had ever covered any of his songs. Roger McGuinn was sweatin’ bullets. Joan Baez fainted and could not be revived by any means.

Fortunately for everyone concerned, Zimmerman just happened to be in a good mood, and his mood had just recently been leavened by a pitcher of Coors Light. Judgement Day turned into one hell of a party in hell.

8)
The greatest rock and roll band ever assembled took the stage next to a pyrotechnic light show that dazzled and amazed every damned soul in the joint. The crowd cheered and, in an obvious attempt to mollify Big Bob, launched into a killer rendition of “Like a Rolling Stone”.

Jim Morrison never sounded better. He was glowing with pride, having beaten Elvis Presley for the lead singer slot when the auditions were held the weekend before.

As you can imagine, Jimi’s solo before the bridge was a smash, but the real insanity came when the Captain and Tennille dropped in to sing the line about giving the bums a dime in your prime.

Everyone in the band was quite pissed off because of the fact that Cappy and his bombshell mistress WEREN’T DEAD YET. It was a common understanding amongst the members of Hell’s Union that LIVING musicians were not qualified to work in the fiery pits under any circumstances.

Jim Morrison saved the day, though, as he belted out a stream of profanity aimed directly at Toni Tennille. Laced with sexual innuendo, this outburst had the desired effect of sending the “LIVES OF THE PARTY” screaming and skee-daddling north bound.

9)
The band wrapped the concert up with what may well have been the best version of “Sympathy for the Devil” ever performed. All it lacked was the original singer to put it over the top (“Ah, dontcha worry, mates,” Brian Jones quipped. “He won’t be long.”).

It was then that things began to get REALLY wild. The cocaine flowed like a big white powder river up everyone’s noses. Teddy decided that an orgy was in the offing so we walked due north about 300 yards.

“YOU’RE IN HELL!!!” a demon shouted at us.

The specter’s observation got me to thinking…Hell, hell, hell, hell. So many conceptions of what hell is supposed to be. All those fire and brimstone preachers trying to scare their flocks with visions of an ever-lasting flame…could that be the way it really is? Indescribable pain and having to suffer forever? That’s some hardcore punishment there, bro.

But lemme tell ya…being condemned to listen to the Grateful Dead for eternity may be a hard way to go but it surely isn’t as awful as the hell those Charismatic folks believe in. So let’s load up the van, pack a sack and truck on to the show, right?

10)
“Old man!” I shouted. “Is there someplace I could get a Reuben sandwich or maybe some spinach casserole?”

11)
All of this happened last night, you know. Teddy’s been dead now for the last three years. Three years is a lifetime when it’s cold out, but it’s a fucking oven out there today so I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself.

Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. Don’t I know the truth of that statement. What good does it so me, though? I still have to take the pills every night.

12)
Everyone’s crying in my beer. It’s been going on for so long that there’s no beer in my stein to cry in. All that’s left is maybe a pint of hazy tear-water.

They come from all over the globe to tell me their stories, trying to make me feel sorry for them. But I’ve got problems of my own, so I tell them to “fuck off” and I slit a few throats, problem solved.

But seriously, my mind is being ravaged by a severe thunderstorm. It has nothing whatsoever to do with love. It’s a REAL STORM, my friends, with hail, high winds and a stunning array of thunder and lightning.

All that banging around up there has taken me back in time to the first time ever I saw your face, kissed your lips, lay with you and all that other heebee-jeebee nonsense that leads to a pornographic display of mammoth proportions. And all it does is get me horny. I lay in bed writhing, like I’m in hell again. It lingers and lingers and refuses to go away unless a silly love song comes on the radio.

It’s okay, though, because I’m listening to the Adult Contemporary station and they play nothing but stale love songs 25 hours a day. I’ll never feel lust again.

The SJC El Paso Band Trip Fiasco: 25 years later

(The following is an actual letter sent to the President of Seminole Junior College [Seminole, Oklahoma] concerning a legendary band trip to El Paso that occurred in 1982.).

TO: President Elmer Tanner
FROM: Jim Cook and Bob Trammell
DATE: December 3, 1982
RE: Behavior of Students During Band Trip to El Paso

Following an investigation of the allegations of some band members that male and female students showered together, slept together, and that many band members drank alcoholic beverages in their motel rooms and on the college bus, we present the following report.

On Thursday December 2 and Friday December 3, 1982, we interviewed 13 students and the band director concerning the allegations of improper behavior. It is our opinion that three this occurred about which there is no doubt: (1) There was consumption of alcoholic beverages on the college bus on the way to El Paso and in the motel rooms of students during the one night at Carlsbad, New Mexico and the two nights at El Paso.; (2) Students did not stay in their assigned rooms. Several students admitted to being in mixed company in motel rooms until 3:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. in the morning; (3) The supervision excersised (sp) on this trip was lax. No disciplinary action took place when students were drinking on the college bus, no action was taken against any student who became intoxicated or unruly, no bed checks were made and no curfews set for students..

Based on all of the testimony we have heard, we believe te following actions should be taken:

1 Mr. R----------, band trip supervisor, should be reprimanded for not keeping a closer eye on the activities of his band members.

2 A policy statement concerning College Sponsored Trips such as the one attacehed should be approved and placed in the Student Handbook. (I have chosen not to include this rather boring section of the document).

3 The SJC Band should be placed on disciplinary probation fror the Spring 1983 semester. Such probation would mean that any improper behavior which violated the policy on College Sponsored Trips would result in the band being barred from ANY overnight trips for the remainder of the semester.

++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, 25 years have passed since that legendary journey to El Paso, the main intent being to march in the Sun Bowl parade. Obviously OUR intent was to have as much fun as possible, which I daresay is exactly what we did. It was an unforgettable trip and no doubt, had we not carried on the way we did, it would have been forgotten by now.: the one highlight of a boring Jr. College education quelled by good manners and strict supervision.

I was one of the 13 students these administration fuddy-duddys interviewed. I maintained then, to all my friends, and I maintain now that I did not snitch. I was not one of the students who let the cat out of the bag. I always had a pretty good idea which ones DID, but I also had a suspicion that they were in the minority, and that the boom was lowered on the band because some people just didn’t like Mr. R-------, the director. They used this as an excuse to push him closer to the early retirement they desired for him. Don’t ask me why, but I will tell you this…if it were the mighty Trojan basketball team, doing the exact same things we did, nothing would have been said. I don’t know that for a fact, but I’d bet serious money on it.

So, while my memory is still strong enough to remember a good amount of details about the fiasco (the stuff I didn’t tell the administrators about, that is), I would like to set the record straight insomuch as I am able, touching on each of the three points that caused so much consternation in the faculty of this vaunted institution of learning:

1 Re: consumption of alcoholic beverages on the College bus and in the motel rooms. Hell yes, there was some serious drinking going on. We weren’t in Jr. High school, we were in Jr. College. What the fuck did they expect? This is one point that I am almost 100% sure that the band was being singled out where the athletic team would have gotten away with it. Maybe the jocks were better at hiding it, but it would seem to me that anyone in college with an urge to drink will find that urge at it’s strongest on a bus trip out of state and in the motel rooms the night before the game. We made a short visit to Mexico the day before we left and a few of the guys bought some cheap tequila. You didn’t expect them to wait until they got home to open up those bottles of authentic Mexican hooch, did you? Of course not. I tell you, there were a couple of girls who were so sloshed that they had to be held down or they would have allowed themselves to be impregnated by a multitude of the fellers. Who said there was no supervision? We held ‘em down, didn’t we? Mr. R------had more important matters to attend to. And I’ll never forget the rank stench of tequila that permeated the bus on the way back to Oklahoma. To this day I cannot abide that smell. For the record, if recollection serves, I only had about a 6-pack of Budweiser myself. Not that 3.2 swill you have to settle for here, though. The good stuff. And I never got “fall-down drunk”, either…which is why I can recall so much of this.

2 Re: Students not staying in assigned rooms and being in mixed company until the wee hours of the morn. I was married to my first wife then, and she wasn’t in the band…seeing as how I was more or less a faithful husband, no sexual shenanigans were undertaken by yours truly. Not that there weren’t a couple of fine looking women I wouldn’t have minded sleeping with, hardy har har. Note that the document dampens down the situation by referring to it as “students admitting to being in mixed company in motel rooms”…is that ALL they admitted to? I can tell you what they were apparently unwilling to admit: they were fucking like bunny rabbits. In some cases weird, kinky & freaky shit was going on. For instance, JL, JM & KC were assigned to a room. JL & JM had girlfriends in the band who were there (temporary girlfriends is more like it). The first night in Carlsbad these two guys decided they were up for a good screwing. The only logistically possible way for them and their gals to get it on was to do it in the room where the three guys were booked. As to why all 4 decided to the deed AT THE SAME TIME (albeit in separate beds) is beyond my ability to reason out. Other than it sounds like it might be fun (tee hee). But that’s what they did. Which is funny enough, but what takes the cake is that they locked KC, their other Bunkie, in the closet while they did it! He just sat in there listening to the festivities. It is commonly believed, by all involved that, KC is the first, and one of the very few, who snitched when the inquisition came around.

3 Re: “Lax” supervision, no disciplinary action, no bedchecks & no curfews. We were all old enough to join the military, fight and die for our country, old enough to cast one vote in a Presidential election…Bed checks??? Curfews??? What the fuck? We did the job we went there to do---we promoted the College (in addition to marching in the parade, our jazz band also represented the college, quite well I might add, at a college mixer). None of our “:indiscretions” were of a public nature ie. We didn’t exactly give the Jr. College a black eye. Nothing would have come of it had not some bastard with a bone to pick spilled his guts to an administrator. Even then, the college could have sat on it. Had they done so there would have been no article in the college newspaper, the college would not have suffered the bad publicity it did as a result. The band would have probably have received a stern lecture from the director (who we all loved and respected) and we would have been allowed to go to the other out-of-state events we were scheduled to attend. A couple more chances to promote the college thrown out like baby with bath water because some prude suit decided we should act like pre-teens. Mr. R------- did the right thing. He gave us freedom to enjoy ourselves, he didn’t feel the need to treat us as children (with bed checks, for Christ’s sake), and most importantly, he didn’t let it get out of hand and spill out into the public. It is almost a sure bet that the only ones who knew about the goings on of the Seminole Jr. College band before the snitch ratted ‘em out were the members of the Seminole Jr. College Band and them alone. So what was the BFD? We didn’t have to answer to our parents, we were all over 18, why were we expected to answer to President Tanner?

FUCK PRESIDENT TANNER!

Ha! 25 years later, I finally speak my mind. Damn sure should have done it back then. So what if I would have been expelled? That place wasn’t worth attending anyway without the band and Mr. R--------.


TO: President Elmer Tanner
FROM: Jim Cook and Bob Trammell
DATE: December 3, 1982
RE: Behavior of Students During Band Trip to El Paso

Following an investigation of the allegations of some band members that male and female students showered together, slept together, and that many band members drank alcoholic beverages in their motel rooms and on the college bus, we present the following report.

On Thursday December 2 and Friday December 3, 1982, we interviewed 13 students and the band director concerning the allegations of improper behavior. It is our opinion that three this occurred about which there is no doubt: (1) There was consumption of alcoholic beverages on the college bus on the way to El Paso and in the motel rooms of students during the one night at Carlsbad, New Mexico and the two nights at El Paso.; (2) Students did not stay in their assigned rooms. Several students admitted to being in mixed company in motel rooms until 3:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. in the morning; (3) The supervision excersised (sp) on this trip was lax. No disciplinary action took place when students were drinking on the college bus, no action was taken against any student who became intoxicated or unruly, no bed checks were made and no curfews set for students..

Based on all of the testimony we have heard, we believe te following actions should be taken:

1. Mr. R----------, band trip supervisor, should be reprimanded for not keeping a closer eye on the activities of his band members.

2. A policy statement concerning College Sponsored Trips such as the one attacehed should be approved and placed in the Student Handbook. (I have chosen not to include this rather boring section of the document).

3. The SJC Band should be placed on disciplinary probation for the Spring 1983 semester. Such probation would mean that any improper behavior which violated the policy on College Sponsored Trips would result in the band being barred from ANY overnight tri[s for the remainder of the semester.

++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, 25 years have passed since that legendary journey to El Paso, the main intent being to march in the Sun Bowl parade. Obviously OUR intent was to have as much fun as possible, which I daresay we did. It was an unforgettable trip and no doubt, had we not carried on the way we did, it would have been forgotten by now.: the one highlight of a boring Jr. College education quelled by good manners and strict supervision.

I was one of the 13 students these administration fuddy-duddys interviewed. I maintained then, to all my friends, and I maintain now that I did not snitch. I was not one of the students who let the cat out of the bag. I always had a pretty good idea which ones DID, but I also had a suspicion that they were in the minority, and that the boom was lowered on the band because some people just didn't like the director. They used this as an excuse to push him closer to the early retirement they desired for him. Don’t ask me why, but I will tell you this…if it were the mighty Trojan basketball team, doing the exact same things we did, nothing would have been said. I don’t know that for a fact, but I’d bet serious money on it.

So, while my memory is still strong enough to remember a good amount of details about the fiasco (the stuff I didn’t tell the administrators about, that is), I would like to set the record straight insomuch as I am able, touching on each of the three points that caused so much consternation in the faculty of this vaunted institution of learning:

1. Re: consumption of alcoholic beverages on the College bus and in the motel rooms. Hell yes, there was some serious drinking going on. We weren’t in Jr. High school, we were in Jr. College. What the fuck did they expect? This is one point that I am almost 100% sure that the band was being singled out where the athletic team got away with it. Maybe the jocks were better at hiding it, but it would seem to me that anyone in college with a urge to drink will find that urge at it’s strongest on a bus trip out of state and in the motel rooms the night before the game. We made a short visit to Mexico the day before we left and a few of the guys bought some cheap tequila. You did'nt expect them to wait until they got home to open up those bottles of authentic Mexican hooch, did you? Of course not. I tell you, there were a couple of girls who were so sloshed that they had to be held down or they would have allowed themselves to be impregnated by a multitude of the fellers. Who said there was no supervision? We held ‘em down, didn’t we? And I’ll never forget the rank smell of tequila that permeated the bus on the way back to Oklahoma. To this day I cannot abide that smell. For the record, if recollection serves, I only had about a 6-pack of Budweiser myself. Not that 3.2 swill you have to settle for here, though. The good stuff. And I never got “fall-down drunk”, either…which is why I can recall so much of this.

2. Re: Students not staying in assigned rooms and being in mixed company until the wee hours of the morn. I was married to my first wife then, and she wasn’t in the band…seeing as how I was more or less a faithful husband, no sexual shenanigans were undertaken by yours truly. Not that there weren’t a couple of fine looking women I wouldn’t have minded sleeping with, hardy har har. Note that the document dampens down the situation by rreferring to it as “students admitting to being in mixed company in motel rooms”…is that ALL they admitted to? I can tell you what they were apparently unwilling to admit: they were fucking like bunny rabbits. In some cases weird, kinky & freaky shit was going on. For instance, JL, JM & KC were assigned to a room. JL & JM had girlfriends in the band who were there (temporary girlfriends is more like it). The first night in Carlsbad these two guys decided they were up for a good screwing. The only logistically possible way for them and their gals to get it on was to do it in the room where the three guys were booked. As to why all 4 decided to the deed at the same time is beyond my ability to reason out, other than it sounds like it might be fun. But that’s what they did. Which is funny enough, but what takes the cake is that they locked KC, their other Bunkie, in the closet while they did it! He just sat in there listening to the festivities. It is commonly believed by all involved that KC is one of the few who snitched when the inquisition came around.

3. Re: “Lax” supervision, no disciplinary action, no bed checks & no curfews. We were all old enough to join the military, fight and die for our country, old enough to cast one vote in a Presidential election…Bed checks??? Curfews??? What the fuck? We did the job we went there to do (in addition to marching in the parade, our jazz band also represented the college, quite well I might add, at a college mixer), none of our “:indiscretions” were of a public nature ie. We didn’t exactly give the Jr. College a bad eye…nothing would have come of it had not some bastard with a bone to pick spilled his guts to an administrator. Even then, the college could have sat on it. Had they done that there would have been no article in the college newspaper, the college would not have suffered the “black eye” it did as a result, the band would have probably have received a stern lecture from the director (who we all loved and respected) and we would have gotten to go to the other out-of-state events we were scheduled to attend. A couple more chances to promote the college thrown out like baby with bath water because some prude suit decided we should act like pre-teens. Mr. R------- did the right thing. He gave us freedom to enjoy ourselves, he didn’t feel the need to treat us as children (with bed checks, for Christ’s sake), and most importantly, he didn’t let it get out of hand and spill out into the public. It is almost a sure bet that the only ones who knew about the goings on of the Seminole Jr. College band before the snitch ratted ‘em out were the members of the Seminole Jr. College Band. So what was the BFD? We didn’t have to answer to our parents, we were all over 18, why were we expected to answer to President Tanner?

FUCK PRESIDENT TANNER!

Ha! 25 years later, I finally speak my mind. Damn sure should have done it back then. So what if I would have been expelled? That place wasn’t worth attending anyway without the band and Mr. R--------.

Please excuse the few grammatical errors I've left uncorrected in this post. I don't feel like messing with them right now...I never was good with DID'NT or WAS'NT. Sorry.

Why are Americans so fat?

Another important question posed at the RS.com Castaways message boards, "Why are Americans soooo fat?"...here's my answer:

I'm sorry I haven't come around to give the definitive answer to this most important question.

Why are Americans so fat?

Because it's the land of the free and the home of the brave. Most of us don't give two fucks about our health...our forefathers weren't too concerned with it, why should we be? You only live once, you know. Many a man has wound up on his death bed wishing he hadn't been so damned concerned with nutrition. One life to live, baby, let's get down to Burger King. The dying man wishes he had taken that advice, and realizes all too keenly that the opportunity has slipped through his skinny little fingers.

We're a generation raised on junk food, and it's all good until you get old enough to want to discover the fountain of youth. I'll tell you where you can find the fountain of youth. It's right there next to the counter of your local McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendy's, etc. It dispenses high calorie, sugar loaded soft drinks meant to compliment the awesome flavor of a delicious, un-healthy meal. It's the fountain of youth, for sure, because the young 'uns don't give a flip about their health. Why should the older folks? You only live once. Comes a time when most folks reach the conclusion that to live forever with these frail bodies and in this world of suffering is not such a good thing to wish for after all. Stay young at heart, I say, chow down, get full, get fat, fuck what anyone has to say about it...maybe it will kill you. Not before your time, I assure you of that.

And I am not in the minority when it comes to this. One need only viddy the statistics, the billions and billions of dollars made EVERY SINGLE DAY by the fast food industry. Like I said, Land of the free, Home of the brave. Free top eat whatever we please without a second thought as to nutritional value. Brave enough to risk obesity and clogged arteries, gastrointestinal shutdowns and the promise of an early grave.

Price you pay, folks. Price you pay. Yum Yum. It's good stuff. Who wants to eat salad every single day of the week? Or boiled foods, or whatever else is out there that health food freaks expect me to give up my Whopper for? I love salad, peoples, but it fucks up my innards just as much as a tub of greasy french fries.