Lester Bangs, dead and in the grave, skewers Tall Tales

Tall Tales was a band I played in for about a year before being unceremoniously booted. These days I can say I'm glad it all went down that way, but I've become painfully aware that I still hold a bit of a grudge. I'm trying to work that out, but in the meantime I've been lurking on the message board at their website.

Anyway, a few days ago there was a post that read:


>>>You heard 'Pot Pie'? (*"Pot Pie" is the newly reformed band's current CD)
Put your take on it -- bad, good, indifferent -- on this link. The 'most enchanting' review, as deemed by Tall Tales Leprechaun*, gets a free copy of '69 Minutes' (by Bastille Day, 2004) and a card. Merit is not determined by favorable review, but by style and swagger and spirit.
Good luck.<<<




So I just couldn't resist posting this reply....


Hi, I'm Lester Bangs. I've been dead for several years, but at one time I was a rather prolific music reviewer. You ever seen "Almost Famous"? Phillip Seymour Hoffman played ME in that movie. Yeah, I'm quite a cult legend. Go to the library one of these days and check out one of the post-mortem compilations of my work from Creem, the Village Voice and various other music rags. I think you'll agree, after reading them, that I know a thing or two about music.

Maybe it's because I'm dead, but I just didn't like "Pot Pie" very much when I heard it (that guy from Drowning Pool who croaked a couple of years ago somehow procured a copy and he let me borrow it, anxious to get my valued opinion). It just didn't ring true, that's all. Maybe there's a market amongst the living for a band of geezers who are rapidly approaching middle age playing frat-boy party rock with sub-juvenile lyrics, but I guarantee it'll never sell in heaven or hell.

Musically it has it's strengths, I'll concede that. Must be nice to have that tuneful Reid fella back in the fold. What in the world did you think you were doing without him? But someone needs to tell him that Peter Buck still holds down the guitarist slot in REM...there's no need for Robbo to impress anyone with his ability to mimic Buck's style. If I want to re-live the glory days of jangle-pop, I'll give "Murmur" another spin.

Back in the days when I still breathed God's good air and my heart pumped blood through my veins I was plenty capable of ripping an album to shreds, mercilessly panning it in such an entertaining way that even the musicians who I was lambasting had to admit it was a pretty fun read. But now that I've mellowed out in the afterlife I don't really like to cut people down to size quite as much as I used to. So with that in mind, I'll save my true thoughts on the majority of "Pot Pie" and simply advise the guys in the band to place an ad in the Oklahoma Gazette or Urban Tulsa seeking out a TALENTED vocalist. This wailing and caterwauling method that Danny Fallis has cultivated may have been acceptable (and who knows, maybe even slightly enjoyable) back in the days when he was throwing stuffed animals to the crowd at Club Nitro, but Jesus, the guy's got to be close to 40 years old now, and he sounds almost as pathetic as Steven Tyler drooling about the "kitty in the middle" while waiting for the Geritol to kick in.

I don't mean to be a party pooper, but the plain truth is that I heard "69 Minutes" had a couple of mildly amusing tunes on it, and I really was hoping I'd win that free copy. You DID say that the winner would not be determined by whether or not the review was favourable. I can't help it if I'm dead and find absolutely no humour in the Beavis and Butthead level of the lyrics on "Pot Pie", nor is it my fault that I would rather just listen to old Replacements, REM & Meat Puppets albums than cut any slack to a third rate imitation of same, even if you guys are earnest. You asked for opinions, and you got mine.

Now, I don't know how you're going to get my free copy of "69 Minutes" to me, should I be the lucky reviewer to win it (and face it, my review is the best, hands down...all that come after it will pale in comparison, and furthermore I have it on the authority of a higher power that I am 100% RIGHT about "Pot Pie")...after all, the Postal Service doesn't generally deliver packages to St. Peter's Gate. So if you guys are honest and fair about your intent to judge on "style, swagger and spirit" (and that's about all there is left of me, ya know, "spirit"), you'll surely award the free CD to yours truly...and since I cannot recieve parcels where I am, may I donate my free copy to Steve Ray, the incredible vocalist for Pitbulls on Crack? And if he refuses it (as he very well may, seeing as how he always thought Tall Tales sucked) maybe Dave Cantrell would take it. I know for a fact that he sold the copy you gave him to Wherehouse Music for a buck several years ago, walked out the door whistling a snappy tune and considered the dollar in his pocket to be much more than what the CD was worth.

It's too bad Wherehouse Music went out of business...I heard they had at least 29 copies of "69 Minutes" that they were giving away free with each new Smash Mouth CD purchase. The theory was that when the customer listened to the Tall Tales CD they weren't quite so disappointed in the dismal Smash Mouth music and were less prone to return it for a refund.

Anyways, thanks for giving me this opportunity to critique "Pot Pie". Don't quit your day jobs, gentlemen, that's the best advice this dead rock critic can give you.

Peace on earth and goodwill to men,
Lester Bangs